So Much for Magicians

Okey-dokey, I have officially finished my new, remastered prologue, so this prologue shall never be heard again, and shall reside forever more on the back of my mind!!!


....Um.....So, yeah...

This is pretty good. Some intriguing info is given that makes you wonder what's going to happen, because it seems like a bit of this info will be important to the plot later on. However, if most of it isn't, then maybe take some out and incorporate it later when introducing those characters? Then again, this is piece is dedicated to Adalynn's life in a nutshell, so maybe just some revising and rewording is needed!
Also, this seems more like a prologue to me. A first chapter would have more action in it than explanation. Of course, you can always add on to this. It's yours, after all! ^-^
I do want to see where this goes and what happens....

Here are some grammatical and structure issues I had:

I’m a typical teen, you might say.

The paragraphs before this sentence don't lead me to believe she's a typical teen. Perhaps you could say "Other than that, you could say I'm a typical teen," or something along those lines.

right down to the eyes and hair, although she has a few gray hairs growing now.

This may be just me, but I try to not repeat words in a sentence. It can be, well, repetitive. You could say "few gray strands" instead of "few gray hairs".

Then there’s my best friend Gabriel, Gabe for short. The only reason we’re still friends, is because my mom and his mom are absolute best friends, and they refuse to transfer to a place without one another.

You lost me a little here with "only reason we're still friends". Does that mean they wouldn't be friends if their moms weren't best friends? The paragraph seems to go from friends to not really friends to close friends to 'he's kind of annoying.' But I'm sure you'll fix this after some editing and character work! ^-^

Also, you have a comma splice between "we're still friends" and "is because my mom":

The only reason we’re still friends, is because my mom

Lastly, I'd like to compliment you on an awesome avatar!

Augh!! My first story critique!! I'm so happy!!

Yeah, see, I wasn't quite sure if it sounded more like a first chapter than a prologue...Thanks for clearing it up!

The prologue is a bit of an info dump, so I think I'm going to take the parts of her mother out. Gabe shows up in the next chapter, so I think I'll keep him there, and then briefly mention the mom. She's not extremely important, anyway...

Yeah, that wording was reeaally awkward. Maybe.....

Quote:
...right down to the eyes and hair, although stress was taking it's toll.

The "although" in there doesn't sound right in there, but iI think it's better than what I originally had...

Yeah, after you said that, I sort of realized it does sort of make you go "....What!?"

Quote:
Then there’s my best friend Gabriel, Gabe for short. The only reason we’re still friends, is because my mom and his mom are absolute best friends, and they refuse to transfer to a place without one another.

Maybe, instead of "the only reason we're still friends", I think it should be:

Then there's my best friend, Gabe. Our moms are absolute best friends, and they refuse to transfer somewhere without one another. We've been together for as long as we can remember.

...and just totally take out "The only reason...", because, there isn't any "only reason".

......I just totally confused myself. Did that make sense??

I agree, this could be either a prologue or a first chapter, as it would work both ways. I personally would probably keep it as a prologue because it isnt part of the main plot and is more 'background information'. Plus I just like to use prologues.
My editations (lol, NEW WORD!) are in Bold Italics. Grammatical things that need changing will have these things -> ** around them.



Prologue- So Much for MagiciansI don't think this title is good for this section because...well there isn't much about magic in this except for that one part

I’ve never really cared for reality. I’ve never shown any interest in being ‘out there’ or ‘in the real world’. I mean, really, what’s so fun about that? Nobody takes me seriously*,* anyways, so what’s the point?

You see, I’m more of a ‘curl up in an alcove next to a crackling fire and read a good book’(I just love that line. It's like...me) girl myself, but that’s just me. Knights, dragons, wizards, witches, vampires, faeries, elves, dwarves, werewolves, magic, it’s all fascinating to me. You could say it’s a big part of my life, but then again, most things are. What do you mean by that? It doesn't make any sense

I’m a typical teen, you might say. I’m sixteen, going on seventeen soon(also not a necessary word. 'sixteen going on seventeen' already implies that it will happen soon. You could say 'I'm sixteen, turning seventeen soon'. I have ‘pretty’ (*A*ccording to my mom)*,* long auburn-colored hair, I’m 5’ 4”, extremely fair-skinned, and I have violet eyes. do you mean literally purpple eyes, or do you mean a really deep blue? If you mean actual violet I would make more of a deal out of it because it's such an oddity.I’ve never really stayed in one place for too long; my mom’s work has us traveling a lot. I currently live in Florida, right near the beach, and I’ve been there for five years- the longest I’ve ever stayed in one place. I used to live in Michigan and Oregon, so I’ve seen a lot of the good ol’ States. My dad left me and my mom after I was born. Every time I bring him up, my mom would say, “Orlando just wasn’t cut out to be a father- he was never very responsible in the first place,” Orlando Bloom? lol, just kiddingand close the subject immediately. Basically, the only thing I knew about my father was that his name was Orlando, but more 'about' might be a better word here that later.

Alaine is my mom. We’re best friends when it comes down to it.comes down to what?I inherited everything from her, right down to the eyes and hair, although she has a few gray hairs growing now. She’s shorter than me as well. I don’t think a mother and daughter could ever look more alike. If she hadn’t named me Adalynn, we’d have been in big trouble.why?

Then there’s my best friend Gabriel, Gabe for short. The only reason we’re still friends*,* is because my mom and his mom are absolute best friends, and they refuse to transfer to anewplace without one another. They’ve been best friends ever since they were teens. They went to the same college, and eventually wound up getting jobs togetherat thesame company,even the same store. They’re too important to fire, so their boss has only one choice,choice for what?and it’s to send them both. Which means*,* Gabe and I grew up together. We’ve been best friends since the day we were born, and it’s never changed. He’s the same age as me, if not a bit older. That doesn't make sense. He is the same age as her, but her is also older than her?He has short, spiky brown hair, blue eyes, is almost six feet tall, and is rib-skinny. what is 'rib-skinny? The only time he isn’t friendly is when he’s being sarcastic, and that is oftenenough, let me tell you.

Well, there you have it. Me and my life in a nutshell. Well, a small nutshell, but still a nutshell. nutshells are always small

I am- no, wait, scratch that. I was a typical, ordinary teen just trying to get through high school. Truth is, that doesn’t even scratch the surface. Not about me anyways. since you changed the tense from 'I am' to 'I was' that implies that something has changed in her life (that's what I'm guessing anyways) so maybe you could change anyways to anymore

[i]Great beginning to a story, I really want to know what happens next. If you have any comments about my review or explainations about the parts I was confused about, please PM me! Also (since, I don't check this site often enough) please PM me when you have the next section up, I would love to read it! thanks!

Ahh! I'm so happy. Thank you so much for critting my story!!

Actually, this is going to be a full length novel (guess I should have said that earlier...), so the title for the whole thing is So Much for Magicians. I guess I should have put it So Much for Magicians- Prologue, instead of the other way around...

Thank you for the input!! I feel like my story's getting better already.

I notice you tell instead of show. I have that same problem. -.-" One thing that I wanted to point out... your character, Adalynn, looks an awful lot like Alanna from the Lioness series. I just wanted to point that out to you ^-^V

........Crap. She does?? Great...

Yeah, I do that a lot. Hopefully, it'll change over time, and my writing will get better...>.<

I'm glad I could help! ^-^ And, yes, you did make sense!

I noticed the showing rather than telling, as well. But, because it's in first person, I figure a little telling is acceptable. That's also a reason I find this more of a prologue than chapter.

I found this piece to be interesting. Your protagonists is quirky and her tone is believable and upbeat.

However, it's a bit of a info-dump. I don't really need to know a complete sketch of a character and it's generally unecessary to include height of your characters. Also, since it's in first person, it's not all that likely that the protagonists would know her friend's exact height...I mean you might....

Anyways, I would read more of this piece, but you may want to cut out a few of the info-dumpy parts. I also agree with the whole "I'm an ordinary teenager" thing. It's a bit stereotypical in fantasy novels and also I don't really know how she's ordinary. I think you should flesh out the character's personality traits rather than physical ones.

Otherwise, a good piece and good writing style...I would definitely read more.

Ahh, thank you!!

Yeah, the prologue is more of an info-dumpy thing than a "start of the adventure!!" prologue, which is in chapter one. So basically, cut a few things, add a few things in, like more about her personality, and such??

Thank you very much for your opinion!

Even worse 2-draft prologue!! Eep. Hopefully, you'll like my new one better...

Sorry for the inconvenience, everyone!! And thanks for the input, it's given me some great ideas about my story!!

I probably have no say in this (I've read through chapter four of the old version), but personally I found the first prologue to be a little more suited to the story. The voice in the second prologue seems too informal to me, and it seems like she's just rambling. And yes, I think it's even more of an info dump.

I don't really like the second version. It's a bit choppy and more info-dumpy and informal as the person above said. Just try to make it less of an "explanation" piece and more of a writing piece. Just write about her normal life for the first chapter and the reader should pick up the jist of it.

So the characters did seem intriguing, certainly...but I don't much like the way you introduced them, telling all about them the way you did...maybe it's just my preference, but I think with like a scene or something is the best way to do it, ya know? You have the whole book to show us these characters- don't tell us who they are, ya know, I think it's a lot more interesting when we can see who they are and form our own opinions about them- and it's not limited to the prologue so you don't have to crowd every detail about them. Also, not sure if the physical descriptions are all that important- I mean, they are but they can be included in ways that are a lot less hard for the reader to get it. Basically what I'm trying to say is that like it was kind of confusing and hard to grasp every bit of info because it came all at once. However, having said that, I think this has a whole lot of potential and if you've got any more of this written feel free to pm me and I'll definitely be sure to check it out!

Thanks for all the CC, it's very much appreciated!!

This is still in the editing process. In fact, the second piece is my second draft, and I'm probably going to dump it, anyway. I need some time to think of a more creative way to write it, I think...

Thanks for the input!

And, sorry for the spacing error on the second piece. I was going too fast, and forgot to space it properly!!