the circle that never ends

She turned to see the look in his eyes
Then bowed her head and turned to cry
For she knew in her heart he would never be hers
Her feelings could not be put into words
All she felt was the urge to die
But there she stood and wondered why
Why couldn't he feel the same way?
And could she make it through another day?
She had never had a feeling so strong
But then her friends proved her wrong
They reminded her of all the guys
Who in the years before had made her cry
But she had so easily got over them
So why couldn't she get over him
Was it his smile, his everlasting gaze,
That made her heart become ablaze?
As the weeks slowly passed
Another guy's heart she had grasped
But she did not feel the same way
And the phrase 'I love you' seemed so cliché
So she never said it back
And her love for him he forever lacked
So in this circle that never ends
A new door opens, a passion begins.

please tell me what you think!
I think this is one of my better poems.

Pretty good. Romance, though... Well, anyway.

For she knew in her heart he would never be hers

Hers = her's


You need more punctuation. You don't have any here - no glue. You need glue to make it join together without any wrinkles or nasty creases. But nice rhymes. I like the rhymes.

hhmmm I tried making it "her's" but it says its spelled wrong so I didn't do it like that.
But thank you!

All the grammer and everything is really god but you need to add more puntuation. It flows well but adding puntuation will make it easier to understand and add more emotion and flow into it.

Well done i thought this was great and the message is good!

I dunno. I understood it fine without punctuation. Some of the rhymes were cliche or forced(So she never said it back/And her love for him he forever lacked), but I liked the message. Too many poems are all "omg, he left me and now I'm gonna kill myself." I've seen this so many times at my school, and it's so true. Good job!

Hey! Great poem! It really expressed the girl's feelings toward the guy. I don't think that it needs any puncuation or anything, it is just a great poem all in all.
Keep writing!

be sure to check out my stuff!!!!!!!

Well, for one thing I don't really like the structure of this. It's the same for any type of writing for me; I hate it all blocked together and this is what has happened on your piece.

Also, where is all your punctuation? You have none to separate the lines from each other and create pauses for the reader when they read through it.

The rhythm was pretty forced and such, but I'll over look this because I kinda liked the concept of it all and I think that you have good grounds for a lovely piece of writing after a few little adjustments.

*sings* This is a song that never ends, it goes on and on my friends!

Um. Anyway. To be quite honest, this poem does not speak to me. It seems like a typical teenage emo angst poem, though have you have moved it up a level by making it in third person as opposed to first, and not saying "shattered"...but this entire poem is a large, blundering cliche--it sounds harsh, and in fact it is harsh to call somebody's poem a large, blundering cliche, but I call it as I see it. I think you would be better off tossing this and working on your poetic technique as a whole. How can you avoid writing the same-old, same-old?

Read poetry. Loads and loads. Read the classics, read contemporary stuff, read what you see on YWS and consider the reviews the YWS pieces get.

Do not borrow phrases from other things you've heard--if you write a phrase, think, have I read this before? Was it on a TV show? In a song? In a bad emo poem I read on the internet? If the answer is yes, CUT IT. You want to show your reader your skill, not someone else's. Don't rely on old phrases or ideas to describe what YOU want to say. You're an individual; your descriptions should also be individual.

Everybody needs imagery. This is too abstract for my taste; it tells a story, but what's the setting? The poem is mostly emotion; well, emotion needs something to back it up. Give your reader something to hold on to while reading it.

Proofread. If you don't take your work seriously enough to have proper punctuation and grammar, very few people on this board will take it seriously. YES, it is poetry, but NO, that does not give you the right to do whatever you want with the technical stuff. Master the basics before you move on to bigger and better things.

Good luck.
-Colleen

I actually liked this. It's just my opinion but I found it a nice thing to read. It had good imagery even though it kind of fell out at one part. I still think it was very nice.

Keep it up!


Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay