Always Silent

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When everyone tells you that you talk too much, you take notice and work to fix that. That’s what people used to say to me. Now they don’t say anything to me. I’m pretty much invisible. Sometimes I think I’m dead. People don’t notice me much. I'm ignored at home and at school, but I watch everything, I hear everything. I know everything about everyone, but no one knows a thing about me.

“Ahh!” Katie screams, pointing at the table she’s sitting at with a long, manicured fingernail. “A bug!”

Katie used to be my best friend. I changed for her. Now the whole table is screaming. All because of a silly little bug. I’m not scared, but I don’t move. I sit in my plastic chair. The clock on the wall ticks slowly. The sound vibrates in my ears with a ringing. I want the class to end.

Our teacher puts her hands on her hips and tuts. One of the boys gets up and puts his arms around Katie. Katie begins to sob. I watch, not saying a word. Another boy comes to the table with a heavy book. It’s his math textbook from the lesson before. He slams the book down on the bug. It's dead.

I haven’t moved. Neither has anyone else since the bug was killed. I think that was many minutes ago. I think time has frozen. I look up at the clock. No, it’s still ticking away. The teacher walks over to Katie and grabs her by the collar, muttering something about insolent girls and bugs. Katie yells something about child abuse.

The teacher puts her outside and closes the door. She’s mad, we can all tell. No one dares to move. We’re frozen until she yells at us to get on with our work. I raise my book back up to my eyes and read. I’m not reading, just pretending to. I’m really watching the teacher and class. Everyone is silent. The girls are whimpering in their seat, and the boys are passing notes between the tables. The teacher is behind her desk, glaring at everyone. Nobody dares to move. The bell goes, a loud buzzing rings throughout the school. Nobody moves a muscle. The teacher doesn’t let us go. We continue reading. She stands up. All heads jerk upwards.

“Behave yourself next time,” she hisses. “I don’t want anymore of your tomfoolery. Now get out before I give you all detentions.”

Everybody stands up and walks out the door. I’m alone in the room with the teacher. She doesn’t acknowledge my presence. I lift my things and make my way for the door. She’s still doesn’t say anything.

I open the door.

"Wait," she says.

I turn around, a little suprised at being talked to.

"Thanks."

I nod and leave, always silent.
Last edited by chocoholic on Mon Jan 28, 2008 7:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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This is an interesting little piece of work. The concept of silence has always intrigued me and you give enough hints in this for the reader to wonder why the girl is silent and what went on between her and her friends that made her so. Are you going to be adding more to this? I think you should.

Your descriptions are a little weak in places but that's easily fixed. Just add a little more imagery of the setting and the characters. Your sentence lengths are good and the story flows well so no problem there and I have just a few minor suggestions -

The teacher walks over to Katie and grabs her [s]on[/s] by the collar, muttering something about insolent girls and bugs.

The girls are whimpering in their seats, and the boys are passing notes between the two tables they’re sitting at.

She[s]’s[/s] still doesn’t say anything.

Other than that, if you add some more descriptions and extend this, I think it has the potential to be really good. You have an interesting main character who most people can relate to and so far I've enjoyed reading it. Let me know if you make any changes or post more!
Writing Gooder

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chocoholic--


You might be on to something, but the plot here needs some work in the "Believability" department.

For starters, I have a difficult time believing a girl would "sob" because a bug was on her table unless she was under the age of twelve or so. But then you have her sobbing onto a guy's shoulder -- obviously some kind of sign of affection (or affectation?) -- which indicates to me somebody at least twelve or older; that aside, I don't think I've ever seen something like this occur in a middle or high school setting, so that may have something to do with my reaction. In other news, there are several other bizarre happenings here: no teacher, to my knowledge, would say something about "insolent girls"--they'd be immediately fired. I also have a hard time understanding the part about her yelling child abuse--I see what she's doing, but that seems simply over the top and unnecessary and, in all honesty, works against constructing this girl as a real human being.


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Brad




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Why is the MC in school if he's invisible? Why doesn't he skip?

And how did he become invisible?
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

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Thanks for the comments. I'll fix it up as soon as I get enough time!
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*




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I was going through my portfolio and finally decided to edit this. Please tell me what you think of it now.
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry*



I am big enough to admit I am often inspired by myself.
— Leslie Knope