Katherine

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The council lay before me, garbed in robes of traditional white. The three sat upon their wooden thrones, stiff with resolve and age. Their eyes caught the flickering light of the nearby candles. There was no question that this was authority.

The hall remained hushed, each occupant observing quietly from the shadows. I stood apart from the rest, wondering how seriously each of the three considered my fate. Two were represenatives of the nearby covens, and then there was my queen, Madeleine. She was seated in the center, regal and serene. Her hair was swept high, increasing her air of severity. Catching sight of me, she nodded in my direction.

All eyes fastened upon me, as black as my own.

I took a step forward, watching the council's reaction. Lucas was positioned to the left, his hair flaming beneath the gleam of the chandelier. I imagined that it was a precautionary arrangement, for all one had to do was release the chain, and the whole structure would come collapsing over his head. Lucas didn't appear to be interested in the seating arrangements. He moved restlessly, clearing wishing to be elsewehre. He released a sigh as I was indicated to come forward. He refused to meet my eyes.

Madeleine's right hand remained empty.

"I wish to make a request," I began, my voice calm.

My observers shifted uneasily. It was very uncommon for the young to make requests, and still rarer for such requests to be granted. Still, my chin rose stubbornly, and I focused my attention on Madeleine. Her eyes flickered as I spoke, and I sensed her feeling of relief. She obviously hadn't thought I'd follow through.

"It's come to a matter of conscience," I continued. "Since the death of Julian-"

There was a collective murmur at this, and my voice was drowned as one or two gasped openly with shock. The tide of hostility was beginning to shift, and most unfavorably in my direction. The hair stiffened on the back of my neck, and I was thankful for the cloak that protected my pale throat.

"You dare speak that name," a voice hissed.

The crowd immediately stilled. I met the eyes of the one who had spoken, the councilman Lucas. His coven neighbored us to the South, and was notorious for their acts of brutality. If he had ignored me before, he wasn't doing so now. He was now observing me with open dislike.

"When such a name is dead to our ears," he continued, venom evident.

"There is a position available," I ignored, "More so than before."

I made sure to enunciate the last word, not wishing for the insinuation to go unnoticed. It had worked, and the hall burst into frenzied muttering. Some pointed in my direction, still others loudly sneered. I noted with detatchment that this was probably the most interesting uproar that had occurred since Julian's death.

"Enough!" a voice rang, echoing across the cavernous hall. Madeleine had risen to her feet. My Queen looked different tonight, as if the very shadows had aged her. Lines creased the softness of her face, causing her to appear sterner than usual. As she stepped forward, the hall shifted uncomfortably.

"Anyone who cannot compose themselves may leave!" she barked.

She then drew her eyes upon me. Anyone else would have quailed beneath the imposing gaze, but I met her stare impassively. I thought I sensed the ghost of a smile before she turned her back and returned to her seat. Once settled, she gestured a hand in my direction. The jewels of her rings glittered.

"Do continue, Katherine, but please try to leave out the theatrics."

"There is a position available," I repeated. "I wish to fill it."

Everyone was silent. Lucas' face flushed, and he turned immediately to his side, whispering urgently. I remained impassive.

"My dear Katherine, do you realize the age of your anniversary?"

The last councilwoman had appeared, suddenly materializing upon her throne. Her voice was unnaturally high, and seemed to match her whimsical appearance. Perched comfortably, her robes were as white as down, and flowed naturally to her feet. Cerelia's abrupt entrances were nearly always expected, and the room paid little attention. There were far greater matters of concern.

"It has been nearly three years since my birth," I replied cooly.

"Well that's all fine and well," Lucas boomed, his eyebrows knitting dangerously. He was now glaring at me once more.

"Do you have any idea how long a Largior must train?" he demanded. "Only the most talented are chosen? A fresh vampire who is not even of age will fail to succeed in-"

"My apologies for interrupting," I spoke loudly. "But I am more than capable. Unless you question the tactics of my Queen?"

Lucas's eyes bulged, his hands clenched upon the chair. Lucas was notorious for losing his temper, and it wasn't all that uncommon for him to storm angrily from such a council meeting.

"Careful," I smiled.

It was a mistake and I immediately regretted it. Lucas spiralled from the podium, landing immediately at my side. I acted quickly, dropping swiftly to a crouch, missing his fingers by inches. I bared my fangs at him, taunting.

My throat was suddenly clenched in his hand, the smile draining from my face. It had happened in the space of a second, and I allowed my body to fall to a limp.

"Lucas," Madeleine commanded.

I felt his grip loosen, but he didn't step away.

"Disrespect does not suit you," he breathed in my ear. "If only I were responsible for your punishment, you'd beg for me to teach you the ways of courtesy."

"How oddly hypocritical," I breathed, and he roughly released his hold, staring as if he'd never seen me before. I rubbed my throat ruefully, watching as he politely saluted to the council before stalking from the room. His cloak billowed behind him, and I watched until the very ends had whipped around the corner.

"Kitty, Kitty," Cerelia hummed. "Denied your cream and you brandish your claws!"

"This council is adjourned," Madeline ordered. "Everyone, report immediately to your sects."

I turned to leave as well.

"Katherine, you are to stay." Madeline spoke behind me.
Last edited by ennui on Sun Oct 07, 2007 6:49 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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ennui wrote:The council lay before me, garbed in robes of traditional white. The three sat upon their wooden thrones, stiff with resolve and age. Their eyes caught the flickering light of the nearby candles. There was no question that this was authority.

The hall remained hushed, each occupant observing quietly from the shadows. I stood apart from the rest, wondering how seriously each of the three considered my fate. Two were represenatives of the nearby covens, and then there was my queen, Madeleine. She was seated in the center, regal and serene. Her hair [s]was[/s] swept high, increasing her air of severity. Catching sight of me, she nodded in my direction.

All eyes fastened upon me, as black as my own.

I took a step forward, watching the council's reaction. Lucas was positioned to the left, his hair flaming beneath the gleam of the chandelier. I imagined that it was a precautionary arrangement, for all one had to do was release the chain, and the whole structure would come collapsing over his head. Lucas didn't appear to be interested in the seating arrangements. He moved restlessly, clear[s]ing[/s]ly wishing to be elsewehre. He released a sigh as I was indicated to come forward. He refused to meet my eyes.

Madeleine's right hand remained empty.

"I wish to make a request," I began, my voice calm.

My observers shifted uneasily. It was very uncommon for the young to make requests, and still rarer for such requests to be granted. Still, my chin rose stubbornly, and I focused my attention on Madeleine. Her eyes flickered as I spoke, and I sensed her feeling of relief. She obviously hadn't thought I'd follow through.

"It's come to a matter of conscience," I continued. "Since the death of Julian-"

There was a collective murmur at this, and my voice was drowned as one or two gasped openly with shock. The tide of hostility was beginning to shift, and most unfavorably in my direction. The hair stiffened on the back of my neck, and I was thankful for the cloak that protected my pale throat.

"You dare speak that name," a voice hissed.

The crowd immediately stilled. I met the eyes of the one who had spoken, the councilman Lucas. His coven neighbored us to the South, and was notorious for their acts of brutality. If he had ignored me before, he wasn't doing so now. He was now observing me with open dislike.

"When such a name is dead to our ears," he continued, venom evident.

"There is a position available," I ignored, "More so than before."

I made sure to enunciate the last word, not wishing for the insinuation to go unnoticed. It had worked, and the hall burst into frenzied muttering. Some pointed in my direction, still others loudly sneered. I noted with detatchment that this was probably the most interesting uproar that had occurred since Julian's death.

"Enough!" a voice rang, echoing across the cavernous hall. Madeleine had risen to her feet. My Queen looked different tonight, as if the very shadows had aged her. Lines creased the softness of her face, causing her to appear sterner than usual. As she stepped forward, the hall shifted uncomfortably.

"Anyone who cannot compose themselves may leave!" she barked.

She then drew her eyes upon me. Anyone else would have quailed beneath the imposing gaze, but I met her stare impassively. I thought I sensed the ghost of a smile before she turned her back and returned to her seat. Once settled, she gestured a hand in my direction. The jewels of her rings glittered.

"Do continue, Katherine, but please try to leave out the theatrics."

"There is a position available," I repeated. "I wish to fill it."

Everyone was silent. Lucas' face flushed, and he turned immediately to his side, whispering urgently. I remained impassive.

"My dear Katherine, do you realize the age of your anniversary?"

The last councilwoman had appeared, suddenly materializing upon her throne. Her voice was unnaturally high, and seemed to match her whimsical appearance. Perched comfortably, her robes were as white as down, and flowed naturally to her feet. Cerelia's abrupt entrances were nearly always expected, and the room paid little attention. There were far greater matters of concern.

"It has been nearly three years since my birth," I replied cooly.

"Well that's all fine and well," Lucas boomed, his eyebrows knitting dangerously. He was now glaring at me once more.

"Do you have any idea how long a Largior must train?" he demanded. "Only the most talented are chosen? A fresh vampire who is not even of age will fail to succeed in-"

"My apologies for interrupting," I spoke loudly. "But I am more than capable. Unless you question the tactics of my Queen?"

Lucas's eyes bulged, his hands clenched upon the chair. Lucas was notorious for losing his temper, and it wasn't all that uncommon for him to storm angrily from such a council meeting.

"Careful," I smiled.

It was a mistake and I immediately regretted it. Lucas spiralled from the podium, landing immediately at my side. I acted quickly, dropping swiftly to a crouch, missing his fingers by inches. I bared my fangs at him, taunting.

My throat was suddenly clenched in his hand, the smile draining from my face. It had happened in the space of a second, and I allowed my body to fall [s]to a[/s] limp.

"Lucas," Madeleine commanded.

I felt his grip loosen, but he didn't step away.

"Disrespect does not suit you," he breathed in my ear. "If only I were responsible for your punishment, you'd beg for me to teach you the ways of courtesy."

"How oddly hypocritical," I breathed, and he roughly released his hold, staring as if he'd never seen me before. I rubbed my throat ruefully, watching as he politely saluted to the council before stalking from the room. His cloak billowed behind him, and I watched until the very ends had whipped around the corner.

"Kitty, Kitty," Cerelia hummed. "Denied your cream and you brandish your claws!"

"This council is adjourned," Madeline ordered. "Everyone, report immediately to your sects."

I turned to leave as well.

"Katherine, you are to stay." Madeline spoke behind me.


This was pretty interesting. It started with the image of a magical witch like council, but you added a little twist to it that I enjoyed. You try and slide in little information bits which is noce. You dont really info dump since it is all borken up throughout this section.

I do think you might want to work on your showing. You do it well in the places you show, but there are some spots you could work with and change into a show instead of a tell.

Things like Lucas' dialogue shows us a great deal of his personality. You dont really need to tell us about it afterwards cause his speech gives un the information.

A nice piece, keep it up.
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lovely. i haven't finished it, but it seems really good. keep it up.
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I liked it. At the beginning, you have a girl who I at first assumed was a pesant, and the 'council', who I assumed were like royalty in the world. Then half-way through the tone changes, and it's revealed that Katherine (and the rest of them?) are vampires.

Your writing style was good. There wasn't any info-dumping or mistakes, and even when Katherine was being choked, it seemed quite relaxed and smooth. Good job, can't wait for more.
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Hello again! How've you been? :D

The council lay before me, garbed in robes of traditional white. The three sat upon their wooden thrones, stiff with resolve and age. Their eyes caught the flickering light of the nearby candles. There was no question that this was authority.

Snappy intro. Me likey.

I took a step forward, watching the council's reaction. Lucas was positioned to the left, his hair flaming beneath the gleam of the chandelier. I imagined that it was a precautionary arrangement, for all one had to do was release the chain, and the whole structure would come collapsing over his head.

I found this a touch confusing. What's being precautioned here?

He moved restlessly, clearing wishing to be elsewehre.

I think you mean "clearly" and "elsewhere." ;)

"When such a name is dead to our ears," he continued, venom evident.

I think this should be combined with his earlier dialogue. Flows better.

Some pointed in my direction, still others loudly sneered.

A sneer is a facial expression, and I'm curious as how that can be loud. :lol:

I enjoyed this! As always, your action and dialogue work together in beautiful form to deliver an impressive yarn. I'd like to see where this goes. I think you're capable of putting a fresh spin on tired old vampires. :)

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Hello,

Thanks for posting your writing on YWS. It was the “occult” subtitle more than anything else that drew me in, and as it’s (for now) my type of writing, I just had to see it. However, having written the preamble, I just wanted to say what, I suppose, is already clear enough: the line-by-line crit will be on the beginning, and impressions and such at the end.

Wow, that was a bit dry, yes? J


Quote:
There was no question that this was authority.
This sentence looks kind of awkward… Consider rephrasing?

Quote:
"When such a name is dead to our ears," he continued, venom evident
As it is, it’s again a bit awkward. Maybe Lucas should repeat what he had said a bit above, just to make the sentence a whole?

Quote:
A fresh vampire who is not even of age will fail to succeed in-"
Nothing wrong, but: Yay, vampires.

Quote:
"Katherine, you are to stay." Madeline spoke behind me.
Come/period? Don’t know which would be better.


Things that I did not quote in the line-by-line:
A) The first paragraph. As someone above me said, it was a grabbing beginning, drawing the reader into your story. However, the sentences in it are really short, and could (your choice, of course) be merged into one, because as it is, it looks a bit choppy.


Generally, I think your story was very interesting, and to repeat Adam Atlantian, it did start out as something of a witch council, but you did add something interesting to it, and you (did! How I love my history teacher… *sighs*) didn’t give us any info dumps. The world is, in my opinion, well-crafted, and the conflicts that the characters have seem very interesting. I would like to see what comes of this piece.

However, as much as I liked the world, I was a bit disappointed on your character, mostly on Katherine. Don’t understand me wrong, they’re good, but in the okay sort of good, which means they can be better. (Which means that they are good, but I am a nitpicky persons). There is, as far as I’m concerned, room for improvement in the character development field. While I liked the general idea etc., I somehow failed to become concerned about what happens to Katherine. My advice to is that you should make the reader care more about her, show and emphasize her motions, feelings a bit more. Tell us what she thinks, not just ‘x is y, x did this’ and so one. I liked the way how Madeline was described, though.

Anyway, sorry if I repeated anything that the critters above me said - I just skimmed through their reviews. As always, if you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Keep up the good work,

Elein




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Wow, you did a tremendous job. There were a couple of things I noticed, but the other critiquers already said them.

I'm a complete fan of vampires, and I think this story is going to make me like them even more. I really like, like the several before me, the twist with the vampires. There were clues in the beginning, and the foreshadowing made it more fun. It makes you want to stick around, to see if what you're predicting is true.

I agree with Eleinasari about the character part she wrote about, as well. You might be able to develop Katherine more in later chapters, but it's always nice to find something to connect to with the characters. We didn't really have any insight with her, like we did with Lucas or Madeline. We want to like the characters, you just need to give us a reason to.

Did that make sense??

All in good time, I suppose. I really like it. I can't wait for the next piece.
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