Break Neck

I checked the files more thoroughly and he should be on another mission right now. the target is a woman named Margret Fisher. I checked his residence, he lives at 13 W Marbury Lane. Sounds very feminine for a Hitman, but it works. I went to his house and scanned the perimeter, just like any other contract. I saw an attic and a wooden ladder leading up to the window. He should be arriving any minute. I got back to my car and drove off.

I came back a few hours later and his car was parked outside the garage. I snuck around the the back of the house and climbed up the old rickety ladder. I waited a few more hours until dusk. I walked inside the house.

"Who are you and why are you in my house?" He said laying on the couch.

"My name is not important" I said with a shake in my voice "but what is is the fact that YOU KILLED MY BROTHER!" I said as I pulled out my pistol and shoved it into his chest.

"Hey! I did what I was paid to do. You can't blame me!" he said standing up from the couch.

"You're right" I said "But I can make you pay!" I said shooting his calf. He screamed with pain. I kept shooting. I shot him in the other leg. Then in the arm, then the other, all the while he whailed with pain. I shot him again and again. Then I finished his brutal murder with a shot in the forehead.

The neighbors must have called the police by now but I didn't care. I just wanted to pay him and his family back for the pain he had caused me.

Shortly after the shooting I was dragged away by the police. 4-6 months later I was proven guilty for premeditated murder. Now I'm serving 20 years for something that needed to be done. I am happy with my decision because when I was on trial I took the agency down with me.

Abrupt.

You need to review more stuff.

Emotions, you need emotions and technical accuracy. This has been posted in several parts, but it might be better as one short story, in one post. I don't know.

Agreed. The story was so abrupt, it was like a newspaper article, not a real story. Spend some more time with it. Develop it. Don't just spit out the facts. Make me care.

Characters. Develop your protagonist and antagonist--they're both so flat they're nearly interchangeable. What are their names? Why did the hitman kill the protagonist's brother? When did that happen? Is it fresh vengeance, or an old grudge? Is there something else to it? Does your protagonist have any insecurities he's trying to deal with? (Hint: He should.)

Being realistic. When one breaks into a hitman's house, I don't think that the hitman says, "Who are you and what are you doing in my house?" while he's still sitting down. I would imagine that he swears profusely and jumps up, ready to defend himself. The setting, plot, and dialogue should all be realistic. Analyze how real people act and how they respond to fear or anger.

Conclusion. Again, this read like a newspaper article. "And then I went to prison for this and this, and blah blah." No one actually thinks or speaks like that. COME ON! Is your protagonist a person or a machine? And what does this piece mean, anyway? Why should I care?

Technicalities. You should also seriously consider the technical soundness of your piece before posting. Grammar, spelling, sentence structure, and punctuation should all be taken into account, and taken very seriously. If you don't take your piece seriously, no one else will.

-Colleen

I liked your story but it was a really weak ending. I really disliked how you said " 4-6 months later". What the heck does that mean? Wouldn't you know how many months later? This really sucked ending wise.

Jake, i have read all of your Breakneck series and all of them are wrote as if you are in a big hurry. I think you should more time on this use spell check and read it over. You really need to DEVELOPE YOUR PIECE AND CHARACTER. Especially your character. Is he suppose to be a smooth hitman and if so he should spend more time on his target instead of just walk in shoot him and get back out.

Also if you are found guilty of murder you just aren't sentenced to 20 years. You would be put to death or you would be in jail for life.

Im sorry i really dont like this piece :(