Bleeding for you

My black heart bleeds for you.I wait in silence.
Rejection is the worst.
What makes me diffrent.
My blood spills as red as wine.
You drink up as if it is.
I will wait for my revenge'
until my black heart stops beating.

I didn't really understand this, which possibly means that this is a good poem. But I did really like the last line.

What makes me diffrent.

Diffrent = different.

You drink up as if it is.

Stiffly worded. Make it flooow. Unfortunately, I cannot advise you how.

I will wait for my revenge'

What's with the apostrophe?


This seemed good, but you need to review at least two other works before posting anything of your own. It's the rules, my dear.

Hmm...I only have two comments for this:
1. I would put the "I wait in silence" on another line

2. I don't really get the "what makes me different" line. It's like a Cheeto thrown in with a bag of potato chips I would take it out, but I don't know what it's there for in the first place, so I wouldn't really know, would I?

Merry writing!

This poem is somewhat confusing because there is a period at the end of every line, which stops thoughts in the middle of a phrase. Consider rethinking punctuation as if you were writing a sentence, and add marks as such. Right now, all I can see is imagery that's been presented already in countless other poems or stories. Hearts bleeding, blood/wine, etc. don't shock people anymore. Think about what you're really trying to portray and then look again at your poem with a critical eye. In general, there wasn't much to appeal to the reader, as most of it was about the ~narrator concentrating on him/herself. "Rejection is the worst" is the second line. Expand on this idea, tell why and more importantly how rejection is the worst, and what it means to "be the worst" and you'll start to get past the surface of what everyone thinks of as revenge and get to the true heart of the matter.

PM me if you have any questions,
-Amelia

Hehe, a poem about woe!

Anyway, I think you're relying a little bit too much on adjectives. Adjectives can be lovely words to add for poetry, but only in moderation. If I deleted all the adjectives here, it would really lose any effect it has. Also, I think you can do better for your imagery. You have blood and wine and black hearts, but add something else to add a bit of pizzazz to it and really wow us. Because let's face it: you're obviously a good writer, so you just HAVE to show us some of your original imagery that you have in your head. You can make this so much better, so do it!

Also! Don't forget to rate your work. Then, it can be on the main page of YWS. And free publicity is always good.

I found it a little bit boring, to be honest. It's just kind of plain and simple...which can work, but I guess it just didn't here. And the word choice was quite cliche, how it was all 'bleeding' and 'black heart', etc. I think this poem could be amazing with just substituting those words for more original phrases. Also, why does your blood spill? Is it figurative blood, as an expression of your pain? If so, you can find a much more better way to put it than 'bleeding'. And if it's as if physical violence - self-inflicted, whatever - then expand upon that and make it more obvious. And in the second (third?) line, what is it that makes you different? I didn't comprehend that.

Haha, hopefully that all helped and made sense. :] Good luck! And sorry if I repeated what other critiques said.