Break Neck

2 posts
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Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 14
My target's name is Matt Cruise. He owns a butcher shop at the edge of town. He has no wife, no dog, nobody that would miss him if something would have "happened" to him. The area is pretty busy during the day and actually pretty quiet at night. The butcher shop has two stories. the first story is the store and the other is where they store the meat; in a gigantic refrigerator in the basement. Pretty dangerous if one was locked inside for a period of a weekend. I went borrowed the agency's surveillance van and parked it across the street from the butcher shop. I set up cameras outside the shop.

He leaves everyday to go to lunch at the other side of town. I could most certainly use this to my advantage. He closes at 4:00 on weekdays and is closed on weekends.

I walked in and said

"Hello, How are you?"

"Very well sir, how about yourself?"

"Pretty good... Could I have a half pound of beef?"

"Sure"

he handed me a slab of pink meat as I left. I went around the building and looked for a basement window. I opened the thankfully unlocked window and slid inside. I walked over to the refrigerator and examined the dial and how to turn it down. I then opened the refrigerator, unwrapped the meat and set it inside of the refrigerator. I turned down the dial to "warm" then escaped to my van.

TGIF if it weren't the meat wouldn't spoil and I wouldn't finish my contract. I slipped back inside monday morning and hid in the dark corners of the basement. The smell was horrid, you could smell it througout the shop.

I heard him come downstairs and open the refrigerator. He cursed as he walked inside the refrigerator and shut the door. I stepped over to the door and rigged the latch so it would lock and not open. I then went over the the dial and turned it all the way up to "coolest". I went back to the door and tapped on the window. He looked back at me and I smiled and walked off.
I Poke Bears While They Sleep




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Gender Non-binary
Points 1979
Reviews 1176
Is this a follow on from the other Break Neck that I read? This is better written than the first, but it would still be good to add a bit more in. Why is he doing this? What's his victim done?

the first story is the store and the other is where they store the meat; in a gigantic refrigerator in the basement.


Capital letter to start a sentance.

Story = storey

I don't think you need that semi-colon. Instead phrase it differently. Perhaps, The first storey is the store. They store the meat in a gigantic refrigarator in the basement.


I walked in and said

"Hello, How are you?"


Have the dialogue on the same line as the tag, with a comma. So,

I walked in and said, "Hello, How are you?"



"Sure."


Full stop to end the sentance.


he handed me a slab of pink meat as I left.


Capital letter to start the sentance.


TGIF if it weren't the meat wouldn't spoil and I wouldn't finish my contract.


TGIF? Avoid using things like this - it leaves the clueless ones, like me, wondering what you're talking about.

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I don't get why he did that. Explain more. Why not have the man talking to a friend or whatever, so you show us WHY he's doing all this. :D
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this. We have you." -Abed Nadir



It doesn’t smell old, it just smells like a bad idea.
— James Hoffman