Here I'm a bit indignant, as water is as much life as it is death. You can't live without water, just as much as you can't live without death. If that makes any sense? >.>
Water, I think, represents chaos. It has no form unless something is there to contain it, and it can leak anywhere if even a single flaw is in the container.
Ahem. Pseudo philosophical musings on fantasy elements aside, this stanza seems a bit self-contradictory.
"Ships, unmoving, lay/As if the day/That killed them/Had not/Been".
Okay, this is just weird. Did the day kill them? Did the day stalk the ships and murder them with a bloody ax? Also, "as if the day that killed them had not been". If it seemed like it "had not been", then they'd still be sailing. AKA, moving!! So that's all awkward and weird.
That, and you also throw in this random rhyme, lay/day, which just seems to throw off the feel of the poem. Generally, if you want to rhyme, set up a rhyming sequence of rhythm and rhyme, and if you want to write free-verse, write, but if you toss in a rhyme it just feels weird and out of place. A place for everything and everything in it's place. Some sort of organized-man's motto or something. XD
I'm also, since I'm mentioning organization, seeing a pattern to the stanzas. You're saying, "I don't fear nature", basically.
Geez, if you'd lumped all these stanzas into one post, I'd have known this and reviewed differently. XD Hehe.
You realize, don't you, that from the emotional value of the stanzas that if you just said, "I do not fear nature", you would have evoked the same sort of response? "Oh, that's nice."
You need to spice it up. Throw in some action -- describe how and why you don't fear nature. How, why, when, where?
Lohl, I think you get the point. You can turn the potato pudding into shepherd's pie, but only with a lot more ingredients.
Bad lectures on cooking and metaphors done. I promise.
The rhyming was random. I liked how it sounded. And like I said when I replied to your post on part three, this is supposed to be a darker look at these...elements, I guess. Yes, a day 'killing' ships is kind of a strange choice, I admit. Have you ever seen a ship underwater in a movie? When I have, they seem kind of frozen. Sure, most are damaged, but some look like they're still 'alive' at first glance, for lack of a better word. They look like you could give them new sails and pop them up to the surface where they'd go off into the sunset. I can't think of a better word than 'frozen,' maybe sleeping would be a better word? But they look untouched, and that was the feel I was going for. Yes, the first line is pretty dumb, but that was the inspiration for it. Like I said in my other posts, I'll take a look at this again in a couple of weeks or something when it's not so fresh in my mind and see if I can't get another inspiration for it. There is another part to the series coming, so that might affect your opinion of the poems as a whole.
