The Murdered and the Murderer (extended)

((I've been told that this caused the hair on the back of people's necks to stand up, so be brutal, please!))


Death came swiftly
that Midsummer's night;
I doubt such a young girl
could put up much a fight.

A sick minded murderer,
A cold hearted man,
to take a girl's life
to prove that he can.

He caressed her body,
fondled the soft skin.
He stole her virginity,
a horrible sin.

She cried as he pulled
the knife from it's case;
he slit her throat slowly
before hiding her face.

The body found floating
away down the stream.
The family is grieving,
a huge loss, it does seem.

Send a young girl to peace;
Send a cruel man to death.
He will laugh as he takes
a final, deep breath.

The casket is closing,
hide her beauty evermore.
Fair hair, blood red lips,
and ironic metaphor.

The rope's being tightened;
hang him, we shall.
A so fitting justice,
eternal burning in Hell.

Beautiful. And sad. It's been a long time since I've seen anything like this. But it really says something about all of the horrors in the world. Very well-written. Bravo.

I love a lot of the corrections you've made, especially the added stanzas. It helped the poem develop more into dramatic poetry which storytells a lot more than other forms of poetry. That's really good.

I had one thing about the rythm of the last line in stanza six. It's kind of awkward compared to the other stanzas. Try switching final and deep and it might roll of the tongue a little better.

Besides that, you made a huge improvement on the poem. Nice work.

You enjamb really well, but sometimes you comma splice and use sentence fragments.

I totally want to believe your rhyme scheme, but these make it hard.

Beautifully written, really creates an image in the mind. Very sad as well but still flows and is well crafted.

A sick minded murderer,
A cold hearted man,
to take a girl's life
to prove that he can.

I would change the last line to "just because he can." It sounds better.

The body found floating
away down the stream.
The family is grieving,
a huge loss, it does seem.

The first line should be, "The body was found floating" and in the second line, "away" sounds strange. The last two lines don't work for me, I would change them all together, get rid of the idea maybe. It didn't work.

Send a young girl to peace;
Send a cruel man to death.
He will laugh as he takes
a final, deep breath.

The casket is closing,
hide her beauty evermore.
Fair hair, blood red lips,
and ironic metaphor.

The rope's being tightened;
hang him, we shall.
A so fitting justice,
eternal burning in Hell.

These last three stanzas are a little funny. In places they work, but sometimes they don't. I think it is because up until now you have had a consistency of both the passage of time, and setting, and here it gets a little messy. It ends well, and it works, but I'd try to go through and see if you can make some of the lines better, rewrite them perhaps, or use different ideas. Also, in the second stanza here, last line, should it be "an ironic metaphor"? And, like last time, I don't really like the phrase, because there is no metaphor anywhere, and how is it ironic if it doesn't exist?


Other than the nit picks, it's good, just like last time. ^_~ Sorry I was slow to get to it the second time!

Happy Holiday wishes from the CCF and Rickage.

writer_chick_13 wrote:
Death came swiftly
that Midsummer's night;
I doubt such a young girl
could put up much a fight.

Thar red part was kinda odd to read. It's just strange. I cant quite put my finger on it.

The rope's being tightened;
hang him, we shall.
A so fitting justice,
eternal, burning in Hell.

I would a comma after eternal because it really adds some drama to it. It really gives eternal a solid and strong presence.

The rhyme was well done and consistent. A very great thing to have as it helps carry the poem. The flow was a bit rocky in places, like the beginning I talked about earlier. the phrase feels like it is missing something. Perhaps another word instead of a could help pull the flow of it together. I think it needs more than one syllable.

The content is good, not too figurative and not to straight forward. It had a nice mix so the reader can understand what is happening. I'm not very good at poetry. Overall I thought you did a good job. Other than minor flow issues I think it was great.

Just wanted to pull your attention to the verse:

"Death came swiftly
that Midsummer's night;
I doubt such a young girl
could put up much a fight."

The last line that Adam had mentioned is incorrect.
I'm mighty sure it should be "could put up much [of] a fight."

Thanks for the read......

Words can not describe this poem.
Lovely writting.
Your improvement has made a change to it.
Good change though.
:]

It made my stomache churn (the actions, not the writing), which is a sign that it's good. When the writing makes my stomache churn, well then there is a problem.

the only thing i saw through the poem was you need to cap the first letter of every line but dont trust me on that one not a poetry expert

Brutal? I'd love to ^_^

First, let it be said that I abhor rhyming poems. I shall refrain from that statement here, however, because it doesn't overpower the poem too too much. Though, you should take another look at this stanza:

The casket is closing,
hide her beauty evermore.
Fair hair, blood red lips,
and ironic metaphor.

because the rhythm breaks down. And that's bad.

I was disappointed, actually. From your description, I was expecting it to be much more horrific than it actually was. Oh yes, of course, the actions described are terrible things to happen to anyone, but throughout the poem, there was the sense that things were happening to the girl, rather than the girl's reaction to what was happening to her. We don't even get to be inside the killer's head. Or the townspeople's. That would be interesting. The most emotion-charged stanza is the very last one because it's not just a telling of events, but a reaction. It's interesting. And emotion-provoking in itself. Learn from this stanza.

So, yes, it's the tale of a murder, but ultimately, I think it's falsely titled. Because it's much more about what this murder means for the community than what it means in relation to the murdered and the murderer (by the way, did you mistype the title? At the moment, there are two "murdered"s).

writer_chick_13,


Had you actually personified the horrific rape and murder, or presented in a unique viewpoint, then there might be something to re-examine here. But for the most part, this reads like a Shock Effect poem where the audacity of the characters' actions is supposed to lull us into complacency for the less-than-mediocre prose.

Next time, write about something you have actually experienced and see how far it gets you. Once you've written it out, it might be useful to ask yourself, "Will anyone care?" (as it were, you gave us nothing to empathize with here--it was like reading a Medieval CNN ticker). Finally, if you've stumbled upon something other people might care about, take a stab at editing and revision.

As for this, if you forget you wrote it, I'll do my part of the equation.


Best,
Brad

Thanks for all the suggestions! I've been working on this a lot lately, but I'm slightly afraid to post my new one now...Ah well, I'll just have to keep editing.
~Bella~

hey dont be afraid....all your doing is expressing yourself....go ahead and let it flow!!!

you seen some of my stuff, they're mostly ruff drafts, but i still put em' up just to get opinions on em' and to get suggestions! post away is all i have to say!