The Time Machine

This is loosely based on something I used to do during recess in grade one. Only we used sand. *cough*

Emily pulled another loose piece of concrete from the wall that kept silly gradeschoolers from falling off the stairs. Small grubby hands placed it on top of the dilliapidated cardboard box found by the trashcans behind the cafeteria.

Julia came running towards her, short legs kicking up sand behind her. In her equally grubby hands, she held a sticky plastic pencil case filled with fat, washable Crayola markers. On the brown box, she wrote:

TImE mAshEEn

Emily grunted, looking at the spelling errors. At age six, she was at a grade eleven reading level and an aspiring author. "You spelled it wrong," she sighed, twirling a blond-brown strand of hair around a stubby finger.

"Oh well, just get inside it!" Julia pouted, looking around for any reccess aids to get them in trouble.

The coast was clear. The two girls crawled underneath the box, giggling with excitement. They pretended to press buttons, and made beeping noises. Then, after they were sure they landed in the future, they crawled out of the box.

The recess bell rang.

"Oh my gosh!" Emily giggled gleefully. "We are in the future! I bet it wasn't even close to the end of reccess when we got in!"

"You're right!" Julia exclaimed. The two girls bounced up and down excitedly until a reccess aid told them to go inside.

"Let's play puppy tomorrow, ok?" Julia said as they walked in the crowd of little kids.

"Kay," Emily said, still in a good mood. Wouldn't you be happy if you had made a huge scientific discovery in the first grade?

Ugh! I WAS WRITING A CRITIQUE ON THIS AND EVERYTHING JUST STOPPED! UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE when that happens.

Back to doing everything again...

I like this. It was fairly interesting, especially the concept, which was portrayed in an extremely well-written method. The plot was really interesting too.

At age six, she was at a grade eleven reading level and an aspiring author.
TOO exaggerated. It's like comparing our current president to JK Rowling! >:( Sometimes, exaggerations works, but in this case it does not. Maybe "At age six, she was already at a seventh grade reading level and had two published pieces in teen magazines." et6c. etc.

"The recess bell rang."
From this to the ending it took me about two seconds to understand that there won't be anything interesting any more, and one second to make sure I was right. Describe the place. DONT just TELL us it's the future, SHOW us! It's intriguing to know your view on the future. Otherwise, it's just a boring part.

The ending disappointed me. Don't end with a question like "Will you ever.." or "Wouldn't you also be..." or any type of question that involves the reader. It's annoying and very cliche. Maybe end it with "...good mood. She skipped down to her class, her braids twirling behind her. The box was left all alone...
etcetera etecetera eecetra.

Good overall, work on it thought!

PM me if you have any questions!

Not to come to my defence or anything....

At age six, she was at a grade eleven reading level and an aspiring author.
TOO exaggerated. It's like comparing our current president to JK Rowling! > Sometimes, exaggerations works, but in this case it does not. Maybe "At age six, she was already at a seventh grade reading level and had two published pieces in teen magazines." et6c. etc.

It actually wasn't an exaggeration. We took a reading test, and I was laced at eleventh grade. And I had always known I wanted to be an author...

Thank you for the critique though.

Hello there! Don't think I've seen you around YWS before! My name is Razorblade.

Emily pulled another loose piece of concrete from the wall that kept silly gradeschoolers from falling off the stairs. Small grubby hands placed it on top of the dilliapidated cardboard box found by the trashcans behind the cafeteria.

This is a bit confusing- loose piece of concrete? Seems kind of contradictory. And highly unsafe, which is probably not something a school would let go unnoticed for long. Also I believe you mean "dilapidated" and "trash cans." Good word choice, though.

Emily grunted, looking at the spelling errors. At age six, she was at a grade eleven reading level and an aspiring author. "You spelled it wrong," she sighed, twirling a blond-brown strand of hair around a stubby finger.

Holy cow is that unrealistic. No matter how well-read a 6-year-old is, the odds of them having an 11th grade reading level are very slim. I know 12th graders who don't even read at 11th grade level! I'd pin it a few years lower- 8th at the maximum. And aspiring author? Most 6-year-olds don't know for sure what they want to do with their lives (come to think of it, most adults don't know what they want to do with their lives, either) so "aspiring" is definitely not fitting. You could say "with the potential to become an author" and it'd be much more realistic. Even if it's based off of you, that doesn't matter. It's not commonplace.

"Oh well, just get inside it!" Julia pouted, looking around for any reccess aids to get them in trouble.

Recess* and also, "aids to get them in trouble?" Makes it sound like the aids are doing the wrong thing. Say, "recess aids who would tell them off" or something along those lines. Much clearer and stronger.

I bet it wasn't even close to the end of reccess when we got in!"

Someone didn't run spell check! Recess*

Wouldn't you be happy if you had made a huge scientific discovery in the first grade?

Oh wow. xD
That line is really amateur as a conclusion. If there was more following and it was used tactfully- more specifically, if you were using first person narrative- then it'd be okay. Here, it's just tacky.

Your biggest flaw is the fact that you tell more than you show, and unless this is a flash fiction piece, that's a bad thing. There's little emotion in this piece; I found it hard to connect with the excitement of the girls and the sheer thrill of their young imaginations. More emotion would make this loads better, and would turn it into a bubbly feel-good fuzzy piece it should be.

-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

HurricaneEmily wrote:Not to come to my defence or anything....

At age six, she was at a grade eleven reading level and an aspiring author.
TOO exaggerated. It's like comparing our current president to JK Rowling! > Sometimes, exaggerations works, but in this case it does not. Maybe "At age six, she was already at a seventh grade reading level and had two published pieces in teen magazines." et6c. etc.

It actually wasn't an exaggeration. We took a reading test, and I was laced at eleventh grade. And I had always known I wanted to be an author...

Thank you for the critique though.

Ta da!

I repeat, even though it happened to you, it's not commonplace. No one wants to read about an overly successful six-year-old. Too perfect. Doesn't happen often. Your characters in a fiction piece must have flaws and realistic attributes.

Haha! Loved the story. Not the kind of thing I would have done, but I have always wanted a time machine. And they were so amazed when the bell went, they were so sure they were in the future.

And then, bang! They just forgot about it! It was believeable, apart from the 11th grade reading level. I mean, if she was a genius, surely she would know that it wouldn't work?

This is cute. And of course she is an aspiring author. I was too. The same way I was an aspiring firefighter and police officer. The same way I was an aspiring porn actor when I was nine. It's just something kids say. So I don't think it's an exageration at all.

The story was nice. It's one of those little tidbits that kinda bring a smile on your face. They don't change your life or anything, but you read them all the way through, chuckling. You made Emily smart, but she was still enough of a kid to enjoy a cardboard time machine. The narration could've been a bit more fluid, but it it was fine. I liked it overall.

Nice.