The Hidden

I have always been
Afraid of the dark,
Of all the little creatures that
Can grab you while you’re in bed,
Of the eight tiny spiders you swallow in your
Lifetime
And of the lack of Light.

Sometimes, I think that people are afraid of dark
Like they are afraid of Death;
They don’t want to
Live without
Light.

It’s all very mysterious,
And the hidden we are scared of
Is nothing
But the little end of a long, murky Tunnel;
So far away
That we can almost
Touch it.

Can grab you while you’re in your bed

Perhaps: Can grab you while you're in bed

Of the eight tiny spiders you swallow in your
Lifetime

One of the reasons I hate going to bed, wondering if I'll swallow a spider XD

I like how you've seperated Death, Light and Tunnel on their own giving them a deeper meaning, making them important.

This is really good I like the way you put in...

"Of the eight tiny spiders you swallow in your
Lifetime "

I also like the structure of it, as it is different.

So anyways, good poem.


x

Of the eight tiny spiders you swallow in your
Lifetime

^which is why i can't fall asleep if a spider escapes my flip flop sometime before bed

i really liked the poem- nice structure and flow.

[quote]And the hidden we are scared of is nothing [/quote
^i like how you reveal in the end that the spiders and the creatures were nothing at all, it's just a fear of the unknown

I like it, a lot, but I think you might have developed the dark/light contrast a bit more. Although, as it is, it's a good poem. I love the rhythm.

I wasn't so sure about the structure in this; it made the flow seem clunky like a square wheel, you understand that right? It tended to end one line abruptly and then roll straight onto another line with a big clunk. This might also be the ryhthm too.

Also, I don't think there was that much emotion in this piece and it didn;t really put out the point that the author was scared silly of the dark, or what was in the dark. When you create this emotion, it gets the reader gripped and will make them more curious as to what will happen; making them read on.

Another thing is that this idea is used a lot and is rather cliche - I have used this kind of theme myself once before - and it tends to be boring when you've read it for the seventh time in two months.

Hope this helps.

I thought this was really good especially with the fear of darkness emphasis. Anyways as I was reading this poem I felt it was so strong and when you put the words in lines 6,8,11,14 on separate lines I didn't feel it was needed because your rhythm and wording were so excellent. I read the poem as if the those words were at the end of the line above them and I liked the poem even more.

I agree with what's been said already. I especially love;
"Of the eight tiny spiders you swallow in your
Lifetime."

That was really fresh and powerful. I also like how this stanza ends.

It was really great how the second stanza petered out to mirror the fading light.

I think that the final stanza was a touch weaker by comparison, and I think "It's all very mysterious" undermines your tone. I'd suggest omitting that line entirely, or substituting it for the word "But."

Hope this helps!
Jas

I'm with Gingerlizzy: the flow was just off somehow. But, I thought it was powerful, if a topic that has been done before. Finally, the three stanzas never reall built or related to each other, so the thing I liked about the first stanza were lost in the second.

Hm...not one of my favorite of yours, but it was good.

When you said Tunnel, I didn't understand why you needed it to be capitalized. Other than that, this was good because it clearly expressed the emotions. I loved the title!!


BBB