listen, listen

This is fantasy.

Let yourself go she said and took off all her clothes. She held my cock in her hands she said I'll suck you off I said I can't really do this but I'll try and I came in her mouth. Only because I didn't want to hear her dumb fucking words.

Part one of one: I feel like this day was Shit because I didn't do any drugs. fuck you for not understanding

you know, not having the money to buy what you need and having to withdraw cash even though you really shouldn't but feel you have to because how else are you going to get through the night

PROBLEM
Sandra: I can't connect with anyone.

SOLUTION
Doctor: It's easy to get past this. Just remember that you're not the only person in the world. You need to stop looking at yourself and only seeing yourself. Instead, why not replace yourself with a friend or an interesting looking person on TV. Then you will excel at any social situation.

PROBLEM
Garrett: I think I have a drinking problem.

SOLUTION
Doctor: What you need to do here is stop seeing the problem as a problem. Drinking is a universal activity - universally practiced and universally accepted. If you quit drinking, you drop out of the universe of drinking, and, sorry to say, the universe outside of drinking isn't particularly interesting.

Fred said hey what's up guys.
What's up dude Joe replied.
How ya feelin Greg said.
Hungover like a mofo haha Fred replied.
You have sex with that girl? Joe asked.
Naw dude I fucked her. There's a difference. Fred laughed.
Joe and Greg laughed.

and the War Machine marches onward, spouting clouds of black death. Men women and children will sufferMUST suffer till their last breath. The men will be castrated. The women will be raped and castrated. The children will be raped and castrated and baptized with the blood of their mothers and fathers. But it doesn't matter because they were growing distant anyway.

Here's a true story: Jack had a crush on Jill. They went to a party and got drunk and suddenly Jack wanted to have sex with Jill. But Jill didn't want this and she tried to get away. Jack was insistent. The other people at the party started to notice what was going on and decided it would be best for two of Jill's friends to take her back to her room, without Jack. But on the way back, they came across a cop and the cop took Jill in. The next morning, Jill woke up remembering nothing. Jack called her and told her everything that happened, except everything he told her was a lie and he didn't mention anything about wanting to have sex with her. He didn't mention anything about that at all, and later that day, they went on a date and Jack asked Jill if she wanted to be with him and she said yes.

...That was really confusing.

First of all, I'm not sure what's going on. Your format is very strange and your ideas seem random and not connected at all. It's insanely hard to follow and it's not really a story, is it? All it seems to be is a disjointed sexual fantasy. There's no exposition, there's no rising action, there's no climax, there's no falling action- which, by the way, is the train of logic a story is supposed to follow. There's no real substance here.

Honestly, you need an entire reworking of this, make it flow more like a story than a random fantasy. In fact, I don't think there's really much help for this piece. I feel terrible for saying that, but it's true, and I would be doing you a disservice by lying.

Anyway, PM me if you have any questions.

-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

thank you for the input. this was more an attempt to capture an emotional state than create a coherent plot with characters, conflict, etc.

Well, I didn't really understand it but I liked it in a strange way.

Fair enough it dosen't have a plot and the characters are almost non-existant, but I like the way you have written it. But the picture is creepy :S

Anyway, I don't really have much more to say about it!!! But still you have a unique style, I really like it...In a strange way ^_^

Meevs