The Murdered and The Murderer

Death came swiftly
That Midsummer’s night;
I doubt the young girl
Could put up much fight.

A sick minded murderer,
A cold hearted man,
To steal a girl’s life
Just to prove he can.

The body found floating
Away down the river,
The family is grieving,
We soon shall deliver…

A young girl to peace,
A cruel man to death;
He laughs as he takes
A deep final breath.

The casket is closing,
Hid her beauty evermore
Fair hair, blood red lips,
An ironic metaphor.

The rope’s being tightened
Hang him, we shall;
A so fitting justice,
Eternal burning in Hell.

Death came swiftly
That Midsummer’s night;
I doubt the young girl
Could put up much fight.

I love the mention of Midsummer's night ^_~ But, your tense here seems off "Came" is past tense, but, "Could put" is future. The sentence starts feeling weird because of that. It works but at the same time it makes me confused... #_# I would say, get a second opinion on that.

A deep final breath.

I would switch "deep" and "final" I think "final, deep" sounds better than "deep, final" (Don't forget to separate your adjectives with commas )

An ironic metaphor.

Strangely, I don't see the irony, or the metaphor. It's a nice line, but it would work better if it was true--you know?

I did like this, and like you told me, it is darker! It was good, a lot better than your older poems. You really have improved.

The problem I'm finding with this is your tense, and how some of the lines are written they don't entirely make sense. Well. Let me explain it. They make sense, I can comprehend them, but the grammar would lead one not to understand it. Does that.. make sense? S2 for example, The way it starts with description really bothered me, I felt like the sentence had no subject (I/You/He, she, it etc.) and just went into description--it was odd.

Your verb tenses in places also makes this strange, no only at the beginning but in S5 as well "hid"--do you mean hide? or?

It's a good poem, and it's smooth, and the rhyming is beautiful. Really, congrats on the major improvement. It just needs some tightening up, and some working.

Just some other notes on how you could make this poem even better: try to use more imagery, there is a lot of telling here, and it works, but if you mixed imagery in it could paint an even prettier picture. Try to add some emotion to it--how should we feel about the girl, or the guy? Another thing you might want to go into: how was she killed? Why did he kill her? What was his motive? You could go in a lot of directions, really...

Ah, it was good though. I can't say enough times how you have improved, and I hope only to see you improve more! Bravo, bravo. If you have any questions, or need help with something extra, as always feel free to PM me!

i love this stanza A sick minded murderer,
A cold hearted man,
To steal a girl’s life
Just to prove he can.

It cut soo deep! it was really well written! how did you get the idea to write somthing like this?? But like i said it's a very good piece of writing!

...wow. Bella, I really like this. I mean, I can't even think of something that was wrong with it. Clau can apparently, lol no, just kidding. I think it's nice. Sad and dark, but very nice. Sorry this is such a worthless post, but at least now you know I like it right? :p



Love it and love you!
Lindsay

Wow. I love this. It was incredibly entertaining, very witty, very beautiful. The rhymes were superb. I can't find anything bad, except one minor thing that bugged me personally:

"The family is grieving,
We soon shall deliver…

A young girl to peace,
A cruel man to death;"

The way you tell us what you will deliver after telling us you will deliver is confusing and amateur. Try to alter it a bit.

Otherwise, prefect!

I liked the split view in this poem. It is definitely an interesting topic.

First, is there a certain reason you capitalize the start of every line? If there is, that's okay. I was just wondering because sometimes it adds to dramatic effect when you let lines roll together by not capitalizing the first word in every line. For the reader, it makes it more interesting to read, and as a speaker, it adds a bit of dramatic effect.

So, for the specifics...

I doubt the young girl
Could put up much fight.

This line is very good, but the tenses don't work together. If you are going to keep this line, I would suggest either adding an "if" in between I and doubt, or you could add "of a" in between much and fight. I personally like just adding the word if. It keeps the flow of the line smooth.

To steal a girl’s life
Just to prove he can.

Again, matching the tenses. I would probably change "To steal" to steals. I read the line like it was a header for a newspaper article, so adding "steals" gives it a bit more impact.


Besides that, I really liked the poem. It was really well written and topic, as I stated before, is a very unique and interesting one.

Thanks for all the critiques guys! You're so helpful!! I know my tense was off, Claud; somewhere, deep down in my self concious, I think I may have done that on purpose. It's like, the murder happenED and now the aftermath is happenING. You see?

I got most of my idea for this poem from my boyfriend, who write's a lot of darker poetry. Also, I've been experimenting a lot since I began reading Longfellow...that helped a lot.

Love you too, Lindsay!