Treacle

Thought I'd try something different for a change. It still rhymes though. Heh

GingerLove

----

Fingers sticky,
Sickly sweet.
Thick and gloopy,
Bad for teeth.

Good on pankcakes,
Puds and more.
Dripping slowly,
To the floor.

Spoon it out,
Onto some pie.
It's bad for you,
They say; they lie!

It makes me feel,
All warm inside.
You can't eat this,
It's mine all mine!

As a lover of food, I enjoyed this. The imagery is good, but I'm not sure what to make of the punctuation. Take the first stanza.

Fingers sticky,
Sickly sweet,
Thick and gloopy,
Bad for teeth.

Can all of that really be held together by three commas? I don't know what to advise you on that, but I don't think that it's right that way. The second stanza is the same way.

The third-->

Spoon it out,
Onto some pie,(.)
It's bad for you,
They say; they lie!

I definitely think that after 'pie' there should be a period.

And here.

It makes me feel,
All warm inside,(.)
You can't eat this,(!)
It's mine(,) all mine.(!)

I'd end that sentence and add that comma. To go with the good nature of this piece, I'd finish it with an exclamation point or two, like you're actually telling someone to back off. (In a funny way of course, not possessively. )

So, I hope that helps.

HAHAHAHAHA. This is great! Tres bien, encore!

Awww... this is so cute! I think this is my favorite poem from you so far. But that will probably change as you get more sophisticated and awesome.

But I love your word choice because it really makes me want something sweet. Just a little reminder or warning though: us silly Americans don't really know what treacles are or puds. XD

haha, i like this! but what is treacle? it just makes me think of Alice in Wonderland....

hehehe...liked it!!

Very nice. Very different.

Fingers sticky,
Sickly sweet.
Thick and gloopy,
Bad for teeth.

Good on pankcakes,
Puds and more.
Dripping slowly,
To the floor.

Spoon it out,
Onto some pie.
It's bad for you,
They say; they lie!

It makes me feel,
All warm inside.
You can't eat this,
It's mine all mine!

Must you really put commas at every line?


For excample.:

Spoon it out
onto some pie. Now you can put a full stop.
It's bad for you
they say; they lie! See, it helps alot and it makes it flow.

I think the entire imagery was good and you did very well, So great job.

Heehee. I like this. It's fresh and it flows very well. Your rhythm is very good. I'd put "It's bad for you" in inverted commas, as you're quoting. I'm not quite sure about the last line. Maybe try, "Because it's mine!" (I have no reason, just an instinct...)Overall, this was a very enjoyabel piece.

This has just been accepted for the Young Writers Journal.