Mage's Rest

Shard stared at the crystal that had earned him his nickname. The stone was broken but could still hold power. He remembered that day: trying to cure a disease that was beyond him. The crystal bursting into a million blue pieces.

His best friend was a shadow beast, though that was odd for a White Mage. Chaz could change shape or literally become a shadow.

Nudging him awake, Shard felt his spine crack. "Oh, for a Heat spell," he muttered.

Chaz obliged by sending a stream of white fire onto Shard's back. He sighed. "What a mage you are, my friend!"

Shard grinned back. "You haven't seen me as a full Practitioner though."

"True, true. Never judge a mage by his color."

"How very true! Remember how I encouraged Kassandra to join the hall? I never saw such a talented Blue Mage."

"I remember. Oh, it was a sad day. Such a kind girl..."

"Shard," the Master interrupted, "it's time for Herb Healing class."

He nodded and moved to get his staff. This was vial to any White Mage.

Chaz followed. "I suppose I could keep you company, Master Shard."

"Get on with you, pup!"

Show, don't tell! Don't jump right in and tell us that the crystal shard can still hold magic, or that it's unusual for a White Mage to befriend a shadow creature. Actually show the crystal doing something, and people's reactions to seeing a White Mage and a shadow being hanging out. &c., &c.

Now, I've gotta say: the name Shard? It's just bad. Being named after a possession is one of the classic signs of a derivative, cliché, uninspired fantasy story. Why doesn't he have a real name? Also, why don't people call him Crystal?

The names really don't seem to fit. Chaz? Kassandra? Unless you're going to surprise us and have this take place in, like, modern day urban America, which'd actually be pretty sweet.

All in all, take more time to flesh it out. Flesh out your 'verse, your characters, you magic system, setting - everything.

I found this piece to be rather dry. It lacks any sort of description and lacks any figurative language or adjectives. I think you tell too much rather than show/guide the reader into the plot. Your characters are rather flat also (in this part at least). I don't mean that in this short piece you need to show completely complex characters, however, I want a bit of history a bit of background wedged somewhere in the stroy assuming this is the beginning. All I got from your characters are they're both mages and that they're both male. Also I lack any sympathy for Kassandra - her part was inserted randomly and wasn't played out well. It could have been a wonderful plot device to help readers understand your characters better finding out the character's reaction after mentioning her. Did they feel pain or pity or happiness? I don't know. They seemed too nonchalant about the whole Kassandra ordeal and more worried about herb healing class.

On conventions, your sentence structure is very uniform. You might want to change it up a little to add more interest.

Hmmmmm. It's not very long but I'll do my best to critique.

Ok, I think you should develop your characters a wee bit more, plus, I think you should start off your chapter with a bit of a bang. It started off rather dully and it didn't really interest me. I also think you could choose better names for your fantasy characters. I suggest this website:

http://nine.frenchboys.net/index.php

Once you get there, click on the fantasy name generator. It gives you great names for your fantasy characters. I also agree with Meep on show don't tell.

All and all, it's pretty good, it just needs some work.

Good luck,
Raye

Meep wrote:Show, don't tell! Don't jump right in and tell us that the crystal shard can still hold magic, or that it's unusual for a White Mage to befriend a shadow creature. Actually show the crystal doing something, and people's reactions to seeing a White Mage and a shadow being hanging out. &c., &c.

Now, I've gotta say: the name Shard? It's just bad. Being named after a possession is one of the classic signs of a derivative, cliché, uninspired fantasy story. Why doesn't he have a real name? Also, why don't people call him Crystal?

The names really don't seem to fit. Chaz? Kassandra? Unless you're going to surprise us and have this take place in, like, modern day urban America, which'd actually be pretty sweet.

All in all, take more time to flesh it out. Flesh out your 'verse, your characters, you magic system, setting - everything.

umm...pretty much everything she said. except i actually like the name Shard.

having it in modern-day America would ROCK. haha.

i actually like where you're going with this. i feel like you've got some pretty good ideas stored up in your brain. but, in your excitement, don't spill all the secrets at once. draw us in. maybe talk a little about Shard and how its hard to have a friend nobody accepts. or talk about Chaz and how its hard not to be accepted. show his fascination for the crystal...or something. anyway, edit a little bit, show more than tell, and it'll be great.

A bit random, but good. Just it doen't make sense.

Sorry, but without a beginning, I'll have to say no, I didn't like this.

Get a basic beginning.
I see potential. You're not using it to your advantage.

Get a beginning and it will be great.

I think everyone pretty much said everything there is to be said about this. You need to develop your characters a bit more. Descibe them. Show don't tell. Don't start off by telling us everything. Also, I would make your chapters longer and more descriptive. It all just adds to the story.

I do like the name Shard. I would add more about WHY he has that name though.

All in all, I think this story does have a lot of potential. I just think you need to add more to your ideas. Keep working!