That is used SOO often in pieces like this. Stop and think: would a really little kid actually say "Papa, I'm scared"? Show us that the kid is scared. Actually, that goes for the whole piece: show, don't tell.
"Papa, who are those men? What do they want? Where is mama?"
Again, classic scared little kid speech. Try to imagine your character actually saying these things. Note: little children do not always talk in full sentences.
I liked it. It was very... sad. (duh)
But seriously, it was well written and not too soppy. You might want to give a little setting description: What time of day is it? What time of year? Where is it? When? Are the streets cobbled or paved? Go into a bit more depth. The most description we have now is that the streets are narrow and that one of the buildings is brick. I want more!
I don't actually have much to say (for once!). Just show more and tell less. And the kid's dialogue really bugs me it's just too... cliche, you know?
I am kind of slit in half right now. There are so many places where this story could've went wrong, but in the end there were only a few. But something about it seems cliche.
The main thing about this is DESCRIPTION. You don't describe anything here. Not even the policeman's suit! And what about the smells? Does the street smell like car fumes? Maybe like incense? Maybe it smells like blood? The only thing you gave us is "The sound of gunshots", which is way too tell-not-show. I agree so much with Azila--why are the child's sentences so...well, cliche? So tell-not-show? And we don't want to hear that the child went cold! Describe step by step how he died--first there was a rattle, then the hairs on his arms stood up, and finally his face cleared and the anguish was extinguished...something like that.
Also, the "It's going to be alright part" is totally cliche. Switch it with something else.
I am trying to think....There was something there I wanted to critique on, but it has escaped me...
Anyhow, great job on keeping me interested. The death didn't come through as a shock, but rather a slow paralysis of sadness. But description could make it that much better.
I've come to ignore how it was written because pieces like this are always done and generic. This being said, i don't think i saw one bit of originality in it.
it's just too... cliche, you know?
