Chapter 1

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This story idea has nothing to do with the proluge because I've taken a different approach, but some character names have reamained so i hope you like it. Remeber critcs are welcome!


Chapter 1

Sarvin sat on his throne of volcanic rock. He was muttering curses to himself, fuming with anger and hatred for the gods above. Those pathetic fools striped him of his immortality and status of god. Did they know who they were dealing with? Sarvin screamed out his anger and a pulsating blast of lightning erupted from him. The force caused the cave walls and ceiling to shake violently and parts of the cave fell to the floor. That made Sarvin even angrier and he shot bolts at the bigger of the rocks, grunting with each shot. As each rock imploded his anger subsided. He relaxed back in his chair, panting from the effort. He would get his revenge on those ‘gods’. They may have made him mortal but they made a mistake in letting him keep his powers. They’ll pay for what they did to him, but how? He couldn’t kill the gods that was suicide and they were immortal. But their creations weren’t He sat up in his chair, a cold smile playing on his face. That’s it; he’d destroy the gods’ precious mortal beings. That would be worse than death for them, and that’s why they were weaker than he was. They had petty emotions like love and caring; those emotions clouded their judgment and would ensure that his justice was served. The gods would try to bless their people with defensive power for themselves and offensive powers against him. He would destroy anyone who got in his way exterminate the rest and the gods wouldn’t even be able to touch him. They had their trivial rules that kept them in line like they could not murder any of their creations for any reason or else they would die. So all they could do was watch as he turned their people’s paradise into a blackened slate of death and destruction. He began laughing a maniacal laugh that vibrated off the walls. First he would start with the humans, they had no impressive magical or physical abilities and Sarvin had always thought that they were useless. They would be gone quite fast and then he would work his way through the rest of the races picking them off one by one. He imagined the little humans going about their nothing little lives thinking today was as normal as any. His laughter and sadistic glee reached an all time high and electricity ran throughout his entire body. Oh, how wrong they were.




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Break this up!!! It's way too long, and doesn't properly introduce the character. All we know is that he hates the gods for turning him mortal.
"The one thing you can't trade for your heart's desire is your heart."
Miles Vorkosigan

"You can be an author if you learn to paint pictures with words."
Brian Jacques




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Starting out with conventions, your sentence structure has a slight variation but it leans more on the uniform side. You might want to combine your sentences a bit more to make the piece more interesting.

On the piece I found it to be interesting. I want to know why the Gods expelled this guy and how his plan would unfold, however, I found him to be an archetype. The cookie-cutter, sociopathic villain who's going to take his anger out on inanimate objects, laugh maniacally, and hurt people by killing their loved ones. The concept is a bit overplayed and you might what to evaluate his demeanour a bit better and make him less of the "bwahahaha my evil plan has unleashed!" villain and more interesting to the reader.

I also think you might want to add more information on your story like the setting, time period, and somehow give me some information about your villain. I think it's pretty interesting that you're starting out with the villain and it would be very interesting if you made the whole Point of View of the villain - it would be a very interesting twist.




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But their creations weren’t


Full-stop after 'weren't'.


I'd suggest breaking this up into paragraphs, it makes it easier to read.

I also think the villain's reaction was a bit overdone. It would be nice to see some more description of the room, and of the villain himself. Don't concentrate on only showing that he's furious with the gods, it makes it a bit boring. Otherwise good, and I want to see how the rest of the story goes. :)
Be yourself; everybody else is already taken.

I came, I saw, I conquered.

When you're being nice to your character, you're being bad to your book.




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Yes, I think you should break this up a bit too. Work more to develop your character, all I pretty much know about him is that he hates the gods. What else? And is this all of your chapter 1? Because if it is, I would suggest adding some dialogue to make it more interesting. Otherwise, I'm excited to see where this leads.

Raye
To give dignity to a man is above all things.
~ Indian Proverb




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It's good but moving way too slow you need to tell us more about the character, you are getting too caught up in descriptions and that he hates the gods good try and I'm really looking forward to the next chapter!!
Anger is fear turned inward
Peace is happiness turned outward



Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.
— Plato