Pursuit

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This is something I put together recently, but I think it needs something. I don't like it much how it is, but I'm not sure how to make it better. Any help or suggestions would be welcome.
_______

PURSUIT

Chapter 1

A train of bikers moved slowly along a deserted path. They continued doggedly on, even though their limbs were exhausted and they were all panting half-heartedly. All of them have lost track of time, only aware of the endless hours passing by. Clouds ran across the darkened sky. There was a thick mist cloaking everything in its damp veil. Everything was quiet save for the clinking of chains and the light scraping sound caused by the slowly turning wheels. They made a slightly odd sight, with the array of different shapes and sizes of bicycle. There were two large, regular sized bikes, a smaller one, and a big one with a smaller one attached on the back. One of the huddled forms pulled over to the side of the dirt road, and climbed off.


“We can’t go any further tonight.”


The others stopped around her, parking their bikes side by side. The one with the bike that was attached to another one got off, and lifted a small child of the back seat. Another child got off her bike, swaying slightly with dizziness. Their ride had taken a toll on all of them. One of them took off his hood, revealing a haggard, slightly stubbly middle aged face.

“Yes, I'm afraid we’ll have to find somewhere to sleep around here.”


He walked slowly towards the top of the hill which they had stopped half way up. All around them was the wide open moor, with its swaying grasses and marshy peat bogs. Far off in the distance there was a sprinkling of tiny lights, the nearest town. He turned back and looked at the place where his wife and children were drinking water and resting. They had been riding almost all night without rest, but even now they might not be safe. He sighed and took one last look at the surrounding countryside, and walked slowly back to his family.

They had already begun unloading their meager supplies, and were starting to set up a makeshift camp. He walked the bikes one by one over, off the road, and laid the down on their sides. After making sure that they wouldn’t be discovered, he took all the needed supplies out of his large back pack and set them down on the ground. He laid out a earth-colored tarp further away and on the other side of the track from the bicycles. The marsh provided little cover, but he dragged the tarp into a ditch between two smallish hills. The ground was wet at the bottom, and made a squelching sound when the sleeping bags were thrown on top of the tarp. The tarp was water proof, but the coldness of the ground steeped through the plastic material, chilling the family to the bone. There wasn’t much room on the tarp, and the air had a sickly taste in it. But the exhausted and bedraggled family fell asleep almost instantly, despite the discomfort of their environment.


______



The mother awoke first, sleepily aware of flashing lights and loud noises. She reached over her two sleeping children and reluctantly shook her husband awake. He was alert immediately. The noises, which she now recognized as voices, were drawing closer.

“Yes sir, we are sure they came this way. They left tracks on the path, leading over that hill somewhere. They must have either cut straight through the marshes on foot, or have gone to sleep somewhere around here.”


The man reached over and shook the older child gently but urgently, putting a hand over her mouth to stifle her protest. The mother had already removed the toddler from his sleeping bag, and carried him, still asleep, in her arms. The family crawled as silently as they could away from their camp. Once they were certain that their pursuers wouldn’t be able to hear their footsteps, they stood up and began to run as fast as they could. The older child thought that she could faintly hear, off in the distance, shouts of excitement. They must have found the sleeping bags. It would not be long until they found the bikes, and then it would be obvious where they had gone. The soldiers had horses, as well as motorcycles and other vehicles. Their only hope would be to get to some nearby civilization by cutting straight across the moor.


A mourning dove called from somewhere nearby, signaling the approach of dawn. They were leaving obvious tracks now, but it was unavoidable. The ground was wet and squishy, and made loud squelching noises when they tried to remove their feet from the ground. Hours past, and soon the sky began to get a lighter, pinkish tinge in the distance. The man frowned slightly when he saw exactly where the sun was coming up, and consequently their direction, but he made no comment.


They continued on as the sun made its first feeble attempt to pass the horizon, smelling the smells of the bog. Mosquitoes flew around them angrily, sucking their blood. Exhaustion was nearby, lurking on the edges of all their minds, except maybe the mind of Ethan, the toddler, still asleep in his mother’s arms. It was apparent to all of them that if they did not stop soon, they would collapse face down in the peat. It had also occurred to the adults that they could end up stranded in the bog. Already they were in water up to their ankles, breathing in the foul smelling mist which rose in waves from the grasses and puddles around them. They knew that there were places with water over their heads, so called "mire" patches, and other hazards. The girl was looking down at the ground, not watching or caring where she was going, lost in her own world.

Soon Ethan awoke, and began to whimper pathetically. His mother set him down, and he proceeded to bury his hands in the muck, squealing with delight when a mosquito landed on his muddy finger. He stopped being happy, however, when the mosquito bit him, and an angry red lump began to appear on his finger. However, he was sturdy on his legs for his age, and he stumbled resolutely on. The father pushed ahead, trying to fight of the mood that was slowly creeping up on all of them. It was unavoidable though; they were simply too tired to go any further. The girl simplified matters slightly by sitting down resolutely on a rotted log.

“I’m not going any further.”

“Come on Emma, you have to, it’s not far now”

The father coaxed his daughter gently, though he was not at all sure that what he was telling her was true. She got up reluctantly, and once again they set off. The sun had begun to burn of the mist, and the air at least was warmer now, but it didn’t help much.

Suddenly, the atmosphere changed. It was as if their spirits had been refreshed, and there was now hope in their minds. Soon, they notice the level of liquid beginning to go down, and their footsteps were no longer drowned in water. Mud was replaced by springy peat moss, and long cattails were replaced by waving grasses. The found themselves going slowly up hill, and soon they were looking down on the surrounding land. They could not help shouting for joy when they saw it. I was a fence post, alone and solitary, sticking up out of the mist with a sign:


Caution, enter at your own risk. Dangerous bog and mire


They ran down the hill excitedly, bouncing on the now only slightly springy turf. They had passed the first sign of civilization without being caught. The adults smiled at each other. They had gotten their family to a town, and they were safe…..for now.
Last edited by canislupis on Fri Oct 05, 2007 8:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.




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canislupis wrote:A train of bikers moved slowly along a deserted path. They continued doggedly on even though their limbs were exhausted and they were all panting half-heartedly. All of them have lost track of time, only aware of the endless hours passing by. You changed tense here - so have should be had Clouds ran across the darkened sky. There was a thick mist cloaking everything in its misty veil. The repetition of mist doesn't sound right here - pick another word? Everything is quiet save for the clinking of chains and the light scraping sound caused by the now slowly turning wheels. They made a slightly odd sight, with the array of different shapes and sizes of bicycle. There are two large, regular sized bikes, a smaller one, and a big one with a smaller one attached on the back. Tense change again, are should be were, and everything was quiet, not is. One of the huddled forms pulled over to the side of the dirt road, and climbed off.


“We can’t go any further tonight.”


The others stopped around her, parking their bikes side by side. The one with the bike that was attached to another one got off, and lifted a small child of the back seat. I think this could be phrased better - if she lifts a child from the back seat, we can assume she is on a two-seater bike Another child got off her bike, swaying slightly with dizziness. Their ride had taken a toll on all of them. One of them took off his hood, revealing a haggard, slightly stubbly middle aged face.

“No, we’ll have to find somewhere to sleep around here.”


He walked slowly towards the top of the hill which they had stopped half way up. All around them was the wide open moor, with its swaying grasses and marshy peat bogs. Far off in the distance there was a sprinkling of tiny lights, the nearest town. He turned back and looked at the place where his wife and children were drinking water and resting. They had been riding almost all night without rest, but even now they might not be safe. He sighed and took one last look at the surrounding countryside, and walked slowly back to his family. They had already begun unloading their meager supplies, and were starting to set up a makeshift camp. He walked the bikes one by one over, off the road, and laid the down on their sides. After making sure that they wouldn’t be discovered, How is he doing this? By making sure nobody is around? Be specific he took all the needed supplies out of his large back pack and set them down on the ground. He laid out a earth-colored tarp further away and on the other side of the track from the bicycles. The marsh provided little cover, but he dragged the tarp into a ditch between two smallish hills. The ground was wet at the bottom, and made a squelching sound when the sleeping bags were thrown on top of the tarp. The tarp was water proof, but the coldness of the ground steeped through the plastic material, chilling the family to the bone. There wasn’t much room on the tarp, and the air had a sickly taste in it. But the exhausted and bedraggled family fell asleep almost instantly, despite the discomfort of their environment.


______



The mother awakened first, sleepily aware of flashing lights and loud noises. She reached over her two sleeping children and reluctantly shook her husband awake. He was alert immediately. The noises, which she now recognized as voices, were drawing closer.
“Yes sir, we are sure they came this way. They left tracks on the path, leading over that hill somewhere. They must have either cut straight through the marshes on foot, or have gone to sleep somewhere around here.”


The man reached over and shook the older child gently, putting a hand over her mouth to stifle her protest. The mother had already removed the toddler from his sleeping bag, and carried him, still asleep, in her arms. The family crawled as silently as they could away from their camp. Once they were certain that their pursuers wouldn’t be able to hear their footsteps, they stood up and began to run as fast as they could. The older child thought that she could faintly hear, off in the distance, shouts of excitement. They must have found the sleeping bags. It would not be long until they found the bikes, and then it would be obvious where they had gone. The soldiers had horses, as well as motorcycles and other vehicles. Their only hope would be to get to some nearby civilization by cutting straight across the moor.


A mourning dove called from somewhere nearby, signaling the approach of dawn. They were leaving obvious tracks now, but it was unavoidable. The ground was wet and squishy, and made loud squelching noises when they tried to remove their feet from the ground. Hours past, Should be passed and the sky began to get light in the distance. The man frowned slightly when he saw exactly where the sun was coming up, but he made no comment. They continued on as the sun made its first feeble attempt to pass the horizon, smelling the smells of the bog. Mosquitoes flew around them angrily, sucking their blood. Exhaustion was nearby, lurking on the edges of all their minds, except maybe the mind of Ethan, the toddler, still asleep in his mother’s arms. It was apparent to all of them that if they did not stop soon, they would collapse face down in the peat. It had also occurred to the adults that they could end up stranded in the bog. Already they were in water up to their ankles, breathing in the foul smelling mist which rose in waves from the grasses and puddles around them. They knew that there were places with water over their heads, so called “quicksand” patches, and other hazards. The girl was looking down at the ground, not watching or caring where she was going, lost in her own world. Ethan awoke, and began to whimper pathetically. His mother set him down, and he proceeded to bury his hands in the muck, squealing with delight when a mosquito landed on his muddy finger. He stopped being happy, however, when the mosquito bit him, and an angry red lump began to appear on his finger. However, he was sturdy on his legs for his age, and he stumbled resolutely on. The father pushed ahead, trying to fight of the mood that was slowly creeping up on all of them. It was unavoidable though. They were just simply too tired to go any further. The girl simplified matters slightly by sitting down resolutely on a rotted log.

“I’m not going any further.”
“Come on Emma, you have to, it’s not far now”
The father coaxed his daughter gently, though he was not at all sure that what he was telling her was true. She got up reluctantly, and once again they set off. The sun had begun to burn of the mist, and the air at least was warmer now, but it didn’t help much.

Suddenly, the atmosphere changed. It was as if their spirits had been refreshed, and there was now hope in their minds. Soon, they notice the water beginning to go down, and their footsteps were no more drowned in water. Mud was replaced by springy peat moss, and long cattails were replaced by waving grasses. The found themselves going slowly up hill, and soon they were looking down on the surrounding land. They could not help shouting for joy when they saw it. I was a fence post, alone and solitary, sticking up out of the mist with a sign:


Caution, enter at your own risk. Dangerous bog and quicksand


They ran down the hill excitedly, bouncing on the now only slightly springy turf. They had passed the first sign of civilization without being caught. The adults smiled at each other. They had gotten their family to a town, and they were safe…..for now.


Overall, I liked this. It made me curious about why the family are being chased, and is a good introduction. I am left hoping that the next chapter will bring more description of the characters because this chapter is fine without it - it's a good, fast-paced start, but now we need to learn more about these people. Good job.
Matt.




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Hey, canislupis!

Cool story- I do love the Moors. We did a whole unit on geography/topography in English last year in the Hound of the Baskervilles unit; looking up things about appearance and setting. They're creepy, no?

Quick thing before we get started- call it a 'mire', not quicksand. ^_~ It's one of those geologic terms that doesn't get thrown a lot that really ought to. It's proper? Quicksand is something else.

Hmm...I have the same problem you do, a lot. I know there's something slightly amiss, but I don't quite know what that is? May I offer some suggestions? It's not a fun feeling...

PRECISENESS OF SETTING: This is something I used to have a lot of trouble with. I live in Nebraska, so...if you've ever been on a drive through the Midwest, the view from the Interstate is all flat and farmland and mostly yellow. I was writing a story [set in New England], and made a few setting comments. Even though the setting wasn't as prominent, the girl editing my story essentially said, "Why is there so much corn?"

...it made me a little embarassed, since New England's so obviously tree-y and rocky. It's either green or it's gray; never that in-between [and in my personal opinion, gorgeous] color of yellow that you see a lot on the plains. And because there's so much tree cover and the population is so dense, the farmland is not so often wheat crops as it is little family farms for horses and so on. It's a small thing, but someone else noticed it.

What's the point of this ramble? Remember what I was telling you earlier- about the English unit? It really helped me picture the setting a lot better if I could see pictures of it. I'm fairly certain Arthur Conan Doyle had been to the Moors, but because of the fairly dense Victorian-ness of it all, it's hard for modern readers to picture.

So! Google it, Wiki it, whatever you must to get a clear picture in your mind of geographic location. If you know it well, your readers will know it well.

A few descriptions of setting that could use a little bit of jazzing:

The marsh provided little cover, but he dragged the tarp into a ditch between two smallish hills.
'Marsh' is pretty inspecific for most readers, and 'smallish' provides no reference point. Also, we're not sure what sort of hills- steep, dramatic Midwestern sandhills or great, rounded Irish ones? Please clarify. ^_^

They continued on as the sun made its first feeble attempt to pass the horizon, smelling the smells of the bog.
Where is the horizon? Where does he see the sun first come up? And what exactly are these 'smells'- in a bog, you can get pretty graphic.

[Another note- I have absolutely no idea about this, but I think the 'waving grasses' might be amiss. I thought that was pretty unique to a semiarid continental climate? There might be more of this in Central Europe rather than England, but I'd look it up just to make sure.]

A SENSE OF PURPOSE:

The characters that people can most easily relate to are the ones with a clear purpose- they've know where they're going, and they've got a map. Or figurative GPS, if they're the techie type of character.

The conflict between myself as a reader and your characters comes from this very thing: I don't really know what they're on about. I know they're running (obviously in a very dire situation, because of the small children involved), but from what? It must warrant something sinister if they're avoiding town and going and going uphill by bike and through nasty swamps, to near exhaustion.

If it's one of those secretive plot twist things, you don't have to completely reveal it at the beginning of the story. However, we do need to know that they are indeed on the run and not just on for a jaunt through the countryside. It's an important distinction for you as the author to make, and one that will completely alter your readers' perceptions and opinions of your characters.

Motives are important- make sure we know 'em. ^_^

___

Very cool story, canislupis! I do hope you'll post more- PM me if you do, or if you want me to clarify anything. I'd be happy to. See you around!
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I really enjoyed this!
I love the way you started out with having the family kind of distant, then by then end you felt like you were one of them. Well done!
I agree with Sam; more setting description would be good. What time of year is it? Where is it?

Also, a bit of character description might be good. Even if you don't want to explain individuals, you can explain the group on the while a it more. What are their clothes like? Tattered? That could say a lot about them, even if it's only about a sentence.

So, there's my general advice and now onto the critique!!

They continued doggedly on even though their limbs were exhausted and they were all panting half-heartedly.

Lovely description! But there should be a comma after "on" ... and why are they panting halfheartedly (which is on word my the way)?

“No, we’ll have to find somewhere to sleep around here.”

For some reason, starting with "No" makes it seem argumentative... perhaps say "You're right, we'll..." better, no?

He walked slowly towards the top of the hill which they had stopped half way up. All around them was the wide open moor, with its swaying grasses and marshy peat bogs. Far off in the distance there was a sprinkling of tiny lights, the nearest town. He turned back and looked at the place where his wife and children were drinking water and resting. They had been riding almost all night without rest, but even now they might not be safe. He sighed and took one last look at the surrounding countryside, and walked slowly back to his family. They had already begun unloading their meager supplies, and were starting to set up a makeshift camp. He walked the bikes one by one over, off the road, and laid the down on their sides. After making sure that they wouldn’t be discovered, he took all the needed supplies out of his large back pack and set them down on the ground. He laid out a earth-colored tarp further away and on the other side of the track from the bicycles. The marsh provided little cover, but he dragged the tarp into a ditch between two smallish hills. The ground was wet at the bottom, and made a squelching sound when the sleeping bags were thrown on top of the tarp. The tarp was water proof, but the coldness of the ground steeped through the plastic material, chilling the family to the bone. There wasn’t much room on the tarp, and the air had a sickly taste in it. But the exhausted and bedraggled family fell asleep almost instantly, despite the discomfort of their environment.

This paragraph is HUGE!! I found myself losing interest and skimming a bit. Break it up!

The mother awakened first, sleepily aware of flashing lights and loud noises.

Awoke, not Awakened :wink:

Hours past, and the sky began to get light in the distance.

Would read better as "Hours passed, and the sky started to become light in the distance." Also, this whole paragraph is another biggy. You should break it up too.

It was unavoidable though. They were just simply too tired to go any further.

1) Make the period after "though" into a semi-colon.
2) Delete either the "just" of the "simply."

“I’m not going any further.”
“Come on Emma, you have to, it’s not far now”
The father coaxed his daughter gently, though he was not at all sure that what he was telling her was true. She got up reluctantly, and once again they set off. The sun had begun to burn of the mist, and the air at least was warmer now, but it didn’t help much.

This whole thing needs to be broken up. Also, in the last sentence, I think you mean to say, "The sun had begun to burn off the mist..." Am I correct?

Soon, they notice the water beginning to go down, and their footsteps were no more drowned in water.

The repetition of "water" isn't fun to read. Delete the second occurrence.

The found themselves going slowly up hill, and soon they were looking down on the surrounding land.

They not The.

I was a fence post, alone and solitary, sticking up out of the mist with a sign:

It, not I.
-------

So yea, I liked it. It really pulled me in... I hope there's more AND SOON!!! lol

~Azila




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Thanks so much!
Your reviews were really helpful. Some of the problems with tense may be because I actually first wrote this in present, but then I switched it back. Apparrently I missed a few places. :oops:

Chapter 2 is coming soon! I plan to post it soon, and I will reveal some more of the character's personalities.

Thanks again for the reviews!



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