Alone

A bit different from what I'd usually write, and I thought of it while lying in bed - so it might even seem groggy! ^^

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I'm scared of the dark,
You know that right?
All the shadows and shapes,
Fill my body with fright.

I'll lie in my bed,
Shaking with fear.
Listen to the sounds,
Oh, I wish you were here.

People all think,
She's so brave, she's so bold.
But inside my soul,
There's a terror so old.

I need you beside me,
I admit, I come clean.
You are my night light,
Make the monsters scream.

So now, as I lie here,
Broken and blue,
I wish and I hope,
But I still can't see you.

Nice! I can't crit poetry, so don't normally, but the fact that this rhymed well caught my eye. So, yes, useless compliment.

The rhyme scheme was more like a jingle than what your material suggests. It didn't appeal to me at all. I also think your lines are abstract. They don't give us anything of substance. There were some decent descriptions: "night light" though I didn't really like the way it was used/"broken and blue".

People all think,
She's so brave, she's so bold.
But inside my soul,
There's a terror so old

You need to rely less on lines such as these. They drag this poem down because of them being so overused. Give us some original images and then we'll start caring about what this poem is saying.

I like this. The rhyming is good but it's heard quite alot in Tim Burton-esque poetry books. If that makes sence...


I like how it ends, even though it's sad, it's good.

Good job.

x

I think because of the rhyme scheme, it sounds rather line-line-line to me rather than *poem* I already feel like my head should be bouncing to the rhythm, but you have to be careful about this because if it deviates at all, the reader can be left hanging at the end of a line thinking "are there a few more syllables here?" or "that was a mouthful!" like this stanza:

I'll lie in my bed, The "I'll" seemed like it takes a while to say, especially followed by a third letter L in the following word
Shaking with fear.
Listen to the sounds, I think that the "the" clutters up the line and makes it difficult to flow/say.
Oh, I wish you were here.

and also in the line "Make the monsters scream"

All the words here seem to be meant only for their face value; I think you could have played with them a little more, chosen words that not only tell the same thing as the current poem, but also give insight to something else that maybe is happening. An example would be:

So now, as I lie here,
Broken and blue,
I wish and I hope,
But I still can't see you.

If the rest of the poem had lent itself to such a thought, I would have read the bolded line as if the monster had gotten the person in the poem, but there's no suggestion of such in the rest of the poem, so there'd be no reason to interpret it as such other than for an example. If you did intend it as such, think about how carefully you are choosing your words.

Feel free to PM me if you have any questions!
-Amelia

I really liked this, it wasnt just the layout of the poem, but the feeling you put out there. i could actually feel what you had written. i dont write poetry, but i like to read when the words are real. great job. loved it.

Lizzy, I must tell you this, I really love your poetry. You're very good at it.


I really liked the rhyme scheme here. I had it ringing in my head and it stuck. (Poems usually don't do that with me.) So, I really don't know what to say about this other than it was really good. The "Monsters in the dark" idea is so overused, but here, I love it. And you didn't make it the whole point in your poem, so it worked out nicely.


Overall, this is a very good poem.

Keep up the great work!


Lots O' Luv,
Lindsay

Lizzy--

I liked this... sorta. I loved the idea, and the poem itself was cute, but I think you could have used better words. Describe the monsters. Channel more fear into your words by describing how alone and scared you feel.

Here's my final advice: get a thesaurus. Please, please, PLEASE don't be like my sister, who describes everything with the words darling and cute. *head/desk* (I'm getting her a thesaurus for her birthday )

Keep working on it, you had a good idea here!

--Quippie

this poem really fits my expressions right now... i think you did a fab job and well i can't really think of something to critisize.... i'll get back 2 u on that on
overall you get an awesome :

GINN!

This poem flows nicely. It's a bit childish, but what's wrong with being childish? S4L4 breaks up the rhythm, so that could be changed. Good job!

-Evang.

GingerLizzy wrote:I'm scared of the dark,
You know that right?
All the shadows and shapes,
Fill [s]my body[/s] me with fright.

I'll lie in my bed,
Shaking with fear.
Listen to the sounds,
Oh, how I wish you were here.

People all think,
She's so brave, she's so bold.
But inside my soul,
There's a terror so old.*

I need you beside me,
I admit, I come clean.
You are my night light,
Make the monsters scream.*

So now, as I lie here,
Broken and blue,
I wish and I hope,
But I still can't see you.

*I'm not sure what to do with these lines, but something needs to be changed. It just seems overworked, and the rhymes seem very forced.

This is actually very cute! Even with a simple rhyme scheme, and the simple theme, it's perfect.

You are my night light,
Make the monsters scream.

I agree with Meep, this second line here is odd. You're trying too hard to work with your rhyming, and it ends up not making sense.

If I could suggest anything, I'd say go back and read over it a few times, and see where you could spruce it up and give it better words to enphasis how you feel.