The Otherworld Chronicles

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Hey there! I hope you enjoy my story, Prodigy. I'm working on it hard and I'll be posting chapters soon enough. Have fun!
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Book One: Prodigy

Prologue: Things That Are But Were Never Thought To Be

The ticking of the metronome and the scratching of the quill on the parchment were the only sounds in the room. They resonated through the small space, echoing in the head of the man who sat at the desk, writing with the quill. He was dressed in red and black finery, was balding and had a gaunt, pale face that was almost permanently fixed in an analysing expression. His grey eyes followed the quill as he wrote in neat handwriting.

Hassildor glanced up at the only door in the room. It was made of grey stone, which was the only building material in the room. It was box-shaped, the walls and floors without a flaw or blemish. Dust or stain were alien to this space. Despite this, it had very little features. No paintings hung on the walls, nor did any rugs or even a carpet vacate the floor. If it had not been for the desk, and the things that were placed on it, and the chair that Hassildor sat on, which were made of the same stone as the walls and floors themselves, then the room would be entirely empty.

As Hassildor projected his gaze at the entrance, it slowly opened, allowing a bright light to shine in (the only other light was a burning candle on the desk). “Do you not knock anymore, Derich?” enquired Hassildor. Anyone would think he would look angry or smirk, but his face showed no change.

“I apologise, sir,” replied a scrawny boy dressed in servant’s attire who entered the room, “Lord Solomon requests your company.”

“If he did, why did he not summon me?” Mild surprise was in Hassildor’s voice, but, once again, his expression did not change.

“He told me that he expected you would not be here. He perceived you would be fleeing Apocrypha, what with the Grey Alliance’s assault.”

“Did he now? Perhaps He should think more of my loyalty.” Sarcasm edged his voice. Long minutes passed. The messenger twisted embarrassingly in the awkward silence. “Well, sir, are you going to see him?” he asked nervously.

“Of course. I was just waiting to see if you has anything else to say.” Hassildor hastily finished the letter, slid it into an envelope and stoppered it. “Since you are here, could you deliver this to the House of Nostro. It appears Lord Nostro has something of interest to Lord Solomon and he would like to inform the House that he will be visiting soon.”

“Of course, sir.” The messenger took the envelope from Hassildor’s hand. “No mistakes this time, Derich.” Derich nodded and hurried out of the room. When the door was closed, Hassildor walked back to his desk, cleaned the nib of the quill on a cloth that received no stain from the ink, merely making it vanish, and placed the quill and the spare sheets of parchment back in the drawer of the desk. Hassildor then took out a small, silver key and locked it.

Then, he vanished into nothing, leaving the room silent except for the ticking of the metronome. He reappeared in a hall before a man sat on a throne. “Ah, Hassildor, you have come,” cried the man joyfully. The man stood and descended the steps that led to the throne, walking with a wooden staff in his long fingers.

“You thought I would leave, Your Majesty?” enquired Hassildor, keeping his voice cautiously neutral.

Solomon looked grave. “I am truly sorry for that misinterpretation, Hassildor. I perceived you would have left.”

“I do not fear the Grey Alliance, My Lord.” The statement did not seem to affect Solomon in any way.
“Nevertheless, we cannot be too careful. Sometimes they have greater powers than our own. The creation of the Emulations have been a severe blow to our great land. Yet, do we cower under them? No! We stand tall and fight back!” Solomon’s face twisted in anger.

“Forgive me, My Lord, but may I ask as to why I am here?” Hassildor asked tentatively.

“Hmm? Oh yes, sorry, Hassidlor, I forgot you were here. My rants have been increasing these days, which, of course, will be an annoyance to all of those in my presence. Luckily for you, I did not go on. Sometimes I can drone on for hours at a time.” Solomon’s mouth turned into a smile and his face lit up. Hassildor was one of the few who did not feel elation at the sight.

“Anyway, I am still delaying. Yes, I called you here to learn about something I have wanted for a long time now, but have been unaware of its existence in Apocrypha.”

“How can that be possible, My Lord?”

Solomon seated himself at his throne again. “Indeed, how can it be? You see, Hassildor, it is something of legend, something many have sought for centuries now, but have not found it. I had come to believe that it did not exist, naturally. As you know, I do not believe in anything unless it can be proved or I see it with my own eyes.

“Recently there have been a number of deaths in the Forgotten Hills. Few go there and even fewer go there intentionally. I have seen their corpses, found by the Scouting Guard, and I have reason to believe that their wounds were caused by arcane means. I mean magic, of course.”

“What does this have to do with anything, My Lord?” enquired Hassildor impatiently.

“These wounds were caused by Elemental magic I had thought was lost to myth. Only I have been able to truly wield this power. For, you see, these people were killed with a single spell that used fire, but with no blemish to their physical body. However, the fire struck their minds! Their minds! I have not seen such power before, unless it is b my hand. Truly, the killer of these people must be either divine or of the Ancient Times.”

“This truly fascinates me, My Lord. But what does this have to do with me?”

“I want you to gather together a group of warriors and mages and get them to find this… thing that is killing these people. I would much like to find out what it is.”

“Yes, My Lord. It shall be done.”

Hassildor turned from his master and walked from the room, out into the Palace Courtyard. As Chamberlain of Deilstar Palace, he always answered to Solomon’s whim. Centuries of hard work had drilled discipline into every inch of his body. He had perfected his physique, showing barely any emotion nor anything that may be happening in his mind. He was almost like one of the Undead, except he was much more intelligent and clean.

When he had crossed the Courtyard, he was at the door of the Barracks. He knocked casually but firmly. The door opened to reveal a man clad in a cuirass, greaves, boots and gauntlets with a helmet upon his head. The cuirass had the crest of Solomon emblazoned across its front; a white hand, palm facing to you, surrounded by purple fire. “Yes, sir?” said the soldier, saluting Hassildor.

“Lord Solomon requests that a battalion of ten to twenty soldiers and, if possible, battlemages be assembled immediately in the courtyard. Will that be possible, Captain?”

“Yes, sir. I’ll see to it right away.”

“Very good.”

With that, the Captain turned away and rushed into the inner parts of the Barracks. Hassildor turned smoothly on his heel and, hands clasped behind his back, strode back to the Palace to inform Solomon of his success. If there were no battlemages, it would be no problem to ride to the Arcane Academy and squeeze them for a few of their finest mages.

Hassildor halted at the statue of Solomon. His eyes passed over the statue for what must have been the ten hundredth time. He sighed deeply, showing one of his rare bursts of emotion, and continued on his way to the Palace.


___________

I will take all crits, if you please. Thanks! :)
Last edited by Slayer on Sun Sep 16, 2007 8:29 am, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello!

Please copy and paste your story here. It'll be much easier, and you'll get more reviews. I look forward to seeing it!

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Oh, I'm very sorry.
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There is a series of books called the Underland Chronicles so you might want to change your title. But otherwise awesome!




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Hello there! First I'd like to say, welcome to YWS! You're new, yes? ;-)

He was dressed in red and black finery, was balding and had a gaunt, pale face that was almost permanently fixed in an analysing expression. His grey eyes followed the quill as he wrote in neat handwriting.
You're going to want to cut a lot of this out. You're info dumping the physical description of this man. When you do that, it stops the action of the story, and can be annoying. When you describe physical description, do it with an action. Or, at least, don't give us so many things (clothes, balding, pale face, analyzing expression, gray eyes) at one time. One or two is OK, but beyond that, it gets a little tiring to read.

As Hassildor projected his gaze at the entrance, it slowly opened, allowing a bright light to shine in (the only other light was a burning candle on the desk).
First off, in this part of the sentence, "it slowly opened" it sounds like you are saying the entrance opened, which is strange. Rather, the door is opening. So you'll want to change that. And the aside at the end about the candle..? I'd cut that out, it's not needed and just makes the sentences clogged.

I was just waiting to see if you [s]has[/s] have anything else to say.


Hassildor hastily finished the letter, slid it into an envelope and stoppered it.
I'm not sure what you mean by stoppered?

When the door was closed, Hassildor walked back to his desk, cleaned the nib of the quill on a cloth that received no stain from the ink, merely making it vanish, and placed the quill and the spare sheets of parchment back in the drawer of the desk.
This sentence is too full. I underlined the section that is just... too much. If you really want that, try splitting this up into more than one sentence.

He reappeared in a hall before a man [s]sat[/s] who sat, or sitting on a throne.


[s]enquired[/s] inquired Hassildor


I have not seen such power before, unless it is by my hand.


CHARACTERS

An issue with your story is you have two characters, Hassildor and Solomon. As it is, though, they seem exactly the same. There aren't any distinctive features in them, they don't stand apart. They talk the same, they seem the same. There are different in physical features, but that doesn't stand out strongly. They're kind of flat, 2D, they're aren't very real. This is a big issue because if your characters are flat, they're not interesting. You'll want to develop them more, bring them out stronger, make them realer.

THE BACK STORY

You've kind of plunged us into the story, right in the middle of tons of things we don't know about. It makes it very boring and confusing. I don't know anything about anything, and though you're telling me about it, I also don't care very much because I have no reason to care. Before you go about explaining the back story, get us interested in the actual story first. But another problem is that you mention all these groups, and people, and things that are happening and I have no idea who they are at all. It's really like going to a foreign country and trying to have a political discussion with someone who doesn't even speak English. Not only do you not have the same language, you don't have the same politics. Don't overload your reader with unknowns.

HOOK US

This is your beginning. Beginnings are very important. They make or break your story, because if you have a bag beginning, no one will continue reading. As I said before, this doesn't make me care. I don't know what the main conflict is (sort of?) and I don't know a whole lot about the characters. What investment do I have in this story? Why should I read more? Either hook your reader with amazing writing (not to say your writing is bad) or with an amazing first scene. You need to catch them quickly, and don't let go. Right now, this is just...it's OK, but not catching enough. Also, you say it is a prologue? Of course, I can't tell how it lines up with the rest of your story, but prologues are weird. As far as I can tell, this is just a chapter one. If you go to writing tips, you should be able to find a section with a bunch of article links, and there are some on prologues that will help you out. (Sorry, I don't have the link on hand.)

Hope all this helps!
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*

If it had not been for the desk, and the things that were placed on it, and the chair that Hassildor sat on, which were made of the same stone as the walls and floors themselves, then the room would be entirely empty.


I really don’t like that last sentence. Obviously it would be empty without the contents and here it seems you’re explaining this when there is no need for it.

“I apologise, sir,” replied a scrawny boy dressed in servant’s attire who entered the room, “Lord Solomon requests your company.”


The comma after ‘room’ should be a period. Also, you might want to consider changing the parts in bold. Suggestion: [...] replied a young servant, entering the room. Up to you but I only say this because it seems you want to give an image of the boy to the reader when you could have a simple introduction and then go on to describe him later in the scene if he stays for long.

“If he did, why did he not summon me?” Mild surprise was in Hassildor’s voice, but, once again, his expression did not change.


I’m not too sure. If your tone is surprise then surely you will show emotion?

“He told me that he expected you would not be here. He perceived you would be fleeing Apocrypha, what with the Grey Alliance’s assault.”


For a servant he sounds very elegant. Not a bad thing unless he isn’t just a servant?

“Did he now? Perhaps He should think more of my loyalty.” Sarcasm edged his voice. Long minutes passed. The messenger twisted embarrassingly in the awkward silence. “Well, sir, are you going to see him?” he asked nervously.


Two characters speaking so they should be in separate paragraphs.

Hassildor hastily finished the letter, slid it into an envelope and stoppered it.


I think you mean: sealed it

*

Welcome to the site. Please make sure you have read the rules as you're supposed to write at leat two reviews before posting you own work.

As a beginning it didn't really interest me. I didn't understand how the king knew the spell used for the attacks was a fire-spell, sorry, I'm pathetic at naming these things? Was he there, as he goes on to mentioin never seeing that done before expect by his own hand?

I'll come back to read the next chapter if you post or if I have something else to add on this part.
Note: enquired is spelt correct, must be the American/British spelling difference.

Myth
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'...'




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Alright,
I agree that your beginning needs to be a little bit more jazzed up (AKA: You need to make it more exciting). Otherwise, I enjoyed this piece. At least, you can start a story (I'm having problems with the first sentence of mine which is not good) Anyway, good job!

The ticking of the metronome and the scratching of the quill on the parchment were the only sounds in the room.


I like this sentence right here, THIS is a good starting sentence.

Hassildor halted at the statue of Solomon. His eyes passed over the statue for what must have been the ten hundredth time. He sighed deeply, showing one of his rare bursts of emotion, and continued on his way to the Palace.


I don't really think this paragraph was necessary. Maybe you could delete it or change it.

Otherwise, I think this story is going to be pretty good. You've got a fan! WHOOHOO! Welcome to the site! It's awesome here! :D
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hey slayer,
14 and new? same here. never matter, a bit of correction-



The cuirass had the crest of Solomon emblazoned across its front; a white hand, palm facing to you, surrounded by purple fire. quoted(sorry dont know how to quote yet)
just mentioning that when you said 'palm facing to you' you should have rather used 'palm facing outwards'.
i have to agree with some of the comments. this should be the first chapter. the prologue could have been the part where the people at Forgotten Hills were murdered. you dont have to reveal the villain at all. it can be from the villains point of veiw itself. or you can drop a few hints as to his identity. do you read the wheel of time series(the slayer is a charectar in the books)? please pm me if you have anything to ask or say.
looking forward to understanding the concepts of the story in the next few chapters. it sound as if it has an excellent story line behind it. thanks for the read.




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Thanks for all the critiques, guys! As for the inquired part, I'm english so I use enquired.
Homework: (Noun) a punishment given to students by evil teachers after the students have already put in 7 hours of hard labor. (See evil, torture, wrong, cruel, unjust, satan)




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An error: "Not even a rug vacated the floor." That's not right; to vacate means to leave. So fix that, and good job.
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