CTRL + S

I have not written in a long time and this was the first writing exercise I sat down to do. This is not a novel. It's not even something I wish to publish one day but I would like some feedback anyways. The prompt was: Write a brief story that begins: "My computer hated me. I knew it must, whether it was sentient or not." Thanks.

[pre] CTRL + S[/pre]My computer hated me. I knew it must, whether it was sentient or not. I knew this to be a fact because of the perfectly awful timing it had. It seemed to anticipate my needs and work to make sure that they went unfulfilled. Like the time I was trying to finish my English paper that was due the next day and I was about a paragraph away from finishing my paper. I was going to finish on time; it was great; I was going to get some sleep after all. And then....nothing. I shook the mouse....nothing. I hit Ctrl, Alt, Delete....nothing.

My pulse quickened, my face flushed; the sweat beaded on my forehead. Frantic, I tapped on the screen, as if there were a magical elf inside that might pop out and ask me what it could do for me. But instead, the unresponsive monitor just stared back at me, as if in a permanent vegetative state. The tears welled up, my throat became uncomfortably constricted. I decided it was time for a break; maybe my computer would recover after a nice nap (or if nothing else, I might get a grip on myself). I even shut off the screen as if this would help it rest.

Back from my chips and soda, I slowly turned the screen on, dreading the frozen picture I would find before me. I let out a soft wail as I realized that the cursor was not blinking. My entire paper was gone! Irretrievably lost!

After mourning my lost paper, I manually re-started my computer, settled myself at the keyboard, cracked my tired knuckles and typed my heading at the top of a blank word document.

I guess I have my computer to thank for one thing - as a result of having to save my paper every five minutes, the shortcut to save a word document is forever burned into my memory and has become a subconscious habit.
_______________________________________________________________________

(This is not exactly a true story but I have had similar events happen, as I'm sure everybody has).

Haha, wow... true story, mate. Word always chooses the most random times to break down. Which is why I set my computer to save documents every five minutes automatically, so I don't lose as much if/when it does.

Anyway, this is a good exercise! Short, sweet, and to the point. A topic everyone, writer or not, can relate to. Plus, I like your title.

Now for a few grammar & style mistakes:

I was going to finish on time; it was great; I was going to get some sleep after all.

Incorrect use of semicolons! I'd say if you get rid of the first one you should be okay.

And then....nothing. I shook the mouse....nothing. I hit Ctrl, Alt, Delete....nothing.

Eurgh... too many ellipses. Also, an ellipse is only three periods, not four. Try turning the first one into a hyphen and the remaining two into separate sentences. Helps build dramatic tension.

My pulse quickened, my face flushed; the sweat beaded on my forehead.

Another incorrect semicolon. Turn it into a comma. Sometimes lower level punctuation is better.

Frantic, I tapped on the screen, as if there were a magical elf inside that might pop out and ask me what it could do for me.

I like this line, with the exception of the end where it says "ask me what it could do for me." Get rid of the first me. Saying it twice is just repetitive.

But instead, the unresponsive monitor just stared back at me, as if in a permanent vegetative state.

Another line I would like more with a small change. Get rid of the second comma.

The tears welled up, my throat became uncomfortably constricted.

Turn the comma into an "and." Makes this flow better.

Back from my chips and soda,

Whoa. Completely random. I think you should say something about going to get the crisps and soda before this line.


Overall, this is good! Serves its purpose as a simple writing exercise. PM me if you have any questions.

All the best!
-St. Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

In addition to what Razorblade_Saint said, I loved your little "story." Computers tend to freeze or completely "die" at the most inconvienient times. Nice job. It was well written.

Stephanie