Canoe

I canoe along the ocean-like lake,
Not a care in the world, not the sound of a motor.

My paddle, caressing the water with every stroke,
The canoe, walking on water, careful not to capsize,
Just my paddle and I, skimming the water.

Gazing upon the forest edge that meets the shore,
Noting the fire-burdened trees to our right,
Twigs and trunks, burnt and charred,
Victim to a decade of fires, vulnerable.

The forest, isolated and lacking inhabitants,
Centuries old, nearly forgotten,
Greets the world, "Hello", with its gift of oxygen,
No reply, no appreciation, no thanks.

The island just up ahead, holding a deserted house,
The crimson paint, chipped, the windows, broken,
The rocky shore of the island, barricades the house,
Years of memories, hidden behind its doors.

Remnants of its garage, hanging over the water below,
The foundation, crumbling and eroding away,
Days away from calling the rocky lake bottom "home",
The lake's castle, in its final resting place.

An old beat-up fishing boat, anchored at the house's dock,
The boat, natural, matching the landscape,
In its rightful home and place,
The ancient boat, swaying to and fro, in its own harbor.

Pondering creation's great accomplishments,
Reminiscing the beauty that surrounds me,
The serene setting, unknown to most,
Away from bustling cities and at peace.

I continue on my journey to nowhere, enjoying nature,
Bird calls surround me, the quiet splash of the water below,
The many throngs of mosquitoes, decorating the air above,
I make my way along the silent waves.

Home, sweet, home...

It's a good poem, and descriptive, but there's some things I think could be improved.

I don't quite understand this line:

Just my paddle and I, the giggling wake behind us.

The last part doesn't make a lot of sense to me, maybe you could phrase it differently?

Also:

Careful not to capsize, we stroll along the water,

It's kind of hard to picture someone strolling across water; a verb like glide or skim would go well here.

I continue on my journey to nowhere, enjoying nature,
Bird calls surround me, the quiet splash of the water below,
The many throngs of mosquitoes, decorating the air above,
I make my way along the silent waves.

Home, sweet, home...

I like the imagery here, and how you made the mood quiet and calm.

Keep writing!

I really like this poem, it's great.

I continue on my journey to nowhere, enjoying nature,
Bird calls surround me, the quiet splash of the water below,
The many throngs of mosquitoes, decorating the air above,
I make my way along the silent waves.

This last bit is my favorite bit, it's just...nice

You are very descriptive which is super.


The only thing i would say is that, this bit didn't really make sence to me;

Just my paddle and I, the giggling wake behind us.

It's already been mentioned but i thought i'd put it, because the giggling bit doesn't really make sence and i don't understand what you're trying to say there.

All in all, good poem

that was rather like a dream, almost impossible to beleive for me, city bred dolt as i am. it was like a perfact place to be living in........
i dont have to tell you but this is what is called pure poetry. your not trying to convince anyone and its as if you didnt even need this to be read to be satisfied with it.
i guess giggling wake is to do with the ripples. the way the cheeks ripple when giggling? nice touch. and thanks for the read.

Thank You all for your comments and critiques, they are much appreciated.

I think I'm going to stick to writing poems about nature...

I just changed the the line, "Just my paddle and I, the giggling wake behind us.", to "Just my paddle and I, not a care in the world."

And, "Careful not to capsize, we stroll along the water", to "The canoe, walking on water, careful not to capsize".

What do you think?

Not a care in the world, not the sound of a motor,
Just my paddle and I, not a care in the world.

I think the edit right there was for the worse; your line repetition just makes me go "uck, what?" ><

What really got to me about this is that I wasn't sure what you wanted me to feel. To me, every poem should make me feel something. I can only guess that, in this case, you wanted me to feel your happiness about being surrounded by nature, but I couldn't. You did a whole lot of telling, and you have some imagery in places (you can do a lot more with the water and the trees, and the house) it didn't stand out strongly. Try using more poetic language to write it, maybe add in some metaphors, and mention more sensory image. Add things to bring the reader into it more.

You might want to think about what you want the reader to feel. I think you could really play up with sounds, and the way water feels, and movements and things. I've never been canoing, but being out in nature with water and trees--there is a whole lot you could do.

Best of luck!

Yeah, the line repeat was terrible. I liked it, the imagery was good, but it didn't seem to flow. It was thick and clanky.

I like the general feel it has, serenity, joy. It projects the message well.

Shoot, I didn't realize that it was a repeat. :S Thanks for telling me; I just changed it.

I'm going to try to add some more details to it right now.

There, what do you think of the re-write?

Ooh, definetly improved

Your really good at description and imagery and all that jazz.




x

sarahcrosbeh wrote:Ooh, definetly improved

Your really good at description and imagery and all that jazz.




x

Oh, thank you so much. (I hope the re-writes get better.)

-Mariah-
The Anemoi Mistress