Elena Maionsa - Trois

I stood beneath the shower head and let the hot water wash away the stresses of the past two hours, condensing it into a steam that slowly rose, uplifting my spirits.

Adel was downstairs, leaving me to shower in peace and - by the sounds of it - making some sort of food. My stomach growled angrily, taking that moment to let me know that I hadn't had food since breakfast and it was now late.

I sighed and ran my hands through my soapy hair, easing the worried tangles from it and rinsing away the suds. The soft aroma of lilac and cinnamon filled the bathroom and my nostrils, reminding me that he always kept a bottle in the cupboard of my favorite shampoo.

I turned the taps off and sighed, feeling fresher and lighter in myself, drawing back the shower curtain and stepping from the tub, wrapping a soft and warm towel around my waist.

Wiping the mist from the mirror, I peered at my flushed cheeks and dim eyes, my hair now wrapped up in a towel releasing small drips to run down my cheeks.

I turned away from the mirror and reached for the blue bathrobe hanging on the back of the door, slipping it over my shoulders and wrapping it around myself, snuggling against the gentle fabric. It wasn't mine - he didn't keep that much of me here - but he didn't mind me using it.

I stifled a yawn and walked from the bathroom, padding down the stairs in bare feet and walking to the kitchen, leaning against the door frame. Adel was mixing something in a pan and smiled at me a little, head tilted slightly.

"Wanna eat?"

"Mm.. Yes. I'm hungrier than a hungry hippo, and if I'm honest; that smells delicious."

I smiled at him and walked into the living room, nestling into a large armchair set in the corner. Sitting quietly, I looked around the small room and sighed softly, watching the amber glow flicker in the small fireplace, making shadows dance and leap across the walls like small children.

Minutes later, Adel walked in carrying a tray that held a steaming bowl. I tilted my head, curious to the contents and he smiled a little at me, eyes bright and welcoming, but somewhat alert.

"Chicken soup. It'll keep you warm..."

He set the tray on my lap gently and I took the first step, slipping the spoon into my mouth and tasting the sensation of his homemade broth. I smiled warmly up at him, remembering the first time I tried his famous recipe.

"It's even yummier than the first time."

He smiled and set a cup of honey and lemon tea on the table before me, walking across and sitting in another, large armchair, his shadow weaving between those of the flame children.

I ate quietly, trying to enjoy the soup more than I was, waiting for that time when he'd ask what happened. When I'd finished the soup, I set it down on the table and sipped my tea, looking over at him now.

"So, what happened?"

"Banished." No point in lying. "Until further notification they said. Something about trouble making and such, I don't know. Don't worry, I'll be out of your hair by tomorrow."

Shaking his head, he looked at me with those alive blue eyes.

"No, I want you to stay here. You seemed to have made yourself comfortable anyway..."

He smiled lightly at me and gestured to the bathrobe wrapped around me snugly. I blushed a little, embarrassed, and snuggled deeper into the material.

"So, you can sleep in my room tonight, I'll take the sofa. Then in the morning, we'll get you to work somehow... and I'll speak to the Coven."

I began to protest and he held up a hand, rising to his feet and walking over, taking my hand and pulling me out of the chair. Those blue eyes finally broke wuth emotion as he looked at me worriedly.

"You know how much you worried me, when I saw you out there? The storm was worse enough, you shouldn't have left until tomorrow, you could've been hurt or caught hypothermia, or something."

His voice was worried and he looked at me pleadingly, asking me to let him know I was okay.

"Adel..."

I smiled a little now and shook my head.

"You know that wouldn't have happened. I know my way around here, know what to do in these kinds of storms and I was nearly here anyway. Stop worrying so much."

He began to protest now and I held up a hand, hushing him and poking his nose softly.

"Shh... I'm going to sleep now. Tomorrow I'll be gone, so you'll have your own bed back."

I nodded and let go of his hand, walking to the hallway and the stairs. Pausing a moment, I looked over my shoulder.

"Adel?"

"Yes?"

"Thanks. It... You mean a lot, to me."

I smiled softly back at him and walked out, up the stairs and to his room, where I slept contentedly buried under the blankets that reminded me of him and made me feel safe.

First off, punctuation and spelling:

I stood beneath the shower head and let the hot water wash away the stresses of the past two hours, condensing it into a steam that slowly rose, uplifting my spirits.

I love how you described that part of your story. I'm guessing the part that you posted is only the chapter one.

Minutes later, Adel walked in carrying a tray that held a steaming bowl. I tiled* my head, curious to the contents and he smiled a little at me, eyes bright and welcoming, but somewhat alert.

*Tiled should be tilted

I began to protest and he held up a hand, rising to his feet and walking over, taking my hand and pulling my* out of the chair. Those blue eyes finally broke and he looked at me, worriedly.

*My should be me

Second off, I loved this story. I loved how you described everything in detail and used metaphors, etc. All together, nice job. Just fix the little mistakes and you'll have a good start to a good story. I can't wait to read the rest.

Stephanie

Methinketh I need to read the rest of this first... Overall, this was very good! Everything is very well told and believable. The only thing that leapt out and bit my nose was your use of semi-colons. I have this trouble as well - I scatter them all over the place even where they don't belong. And a few other thingies as well. ^_^

So, here,

He smiled and set a cup of honey and lemon tea on the table before me, walking across and sitting in another, large armchair; his shadow weaving between those of the flame children.

It doesn't need to be a semi-colon. A comma will do fine.

I ate quietly, trying to enjoy the soup more than I was; waiting for that time when he'd ask what happened.

And again...

"Until further notification they said. Something about trouble making and such, I don't know. Don't worry, I'll be out your hair by tomorrow."

Out =out of?

Shaking his head, he looked at me with those pale and alive blue eyes.

Pale or alive - don't have both as it clogs it up.

He smiled lightly at me and gestured to the bathrobe wrapped around me snugly.

Snugly is a bit off... maybe put it in a different place?

I blushed a little, embarrassed, and snuggled deeper into the material.

Comma after embarrassed.

Those blue eyes finally broke and he looked at me, worriedly.

They broke? Ouch, nasty. And you don't need that comma after me.

His voice was worried and he looked at me, pleadingly; asking me to let him know I was okay.

Nix that comma, and change the semi-colon to a comma.

I know my way around here; know what to do in these kinds of storms and I was nearly here anyway.

Change the semi-colon either to a comma, or add in I to make it, ... I know my way around here - I know what to do in these kind of storms...


-

That little nitpicky thingies aside, 'tis very good.

This is very good With the puncuation and stuff, well, the people above have already mentioned it

All in all i am very much enjoying this story.

*Useless post coming up......*

All grammar etc fixed therefore my job is easy...

I must praise you for how well this is going. Your writing has grown and improved as I've read on and so has your sentence structure. Well done.

Characters

I think the story needs a little background knowledge on the characters. Some thoughts from the main character would be helpful or maybe flashbacks. At the moment we know very little about who Adel is and that is what we want answered.

Plot

Although it's going well it would be nice to have longer chapters with a bit more in them. Always remember conflict- which you do have but I have a suspicion that it's getting less and less. (I don't know if that made any sense..)

Overall, a good piece again and I'm off for more!

Alainna
xxxxx

I didn't know the setting was so modern. The first chapter gave me a feel of maybe early England.

Anywho, it's good. I like the description. Keep writing.

Although this is a very good chapter, I'm still afriad Adel is a blank canvas to me. If not the previous chapter, this one would have been a good place in which to paint a picture of him. I can see that the two characters have background history, maybe you could reveal some in the form of memories or flashbacks whiel she's in the shower?

Enjoting reading this.

*Fan*