MS Unity: Trowa

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He was a character, Trowa Barton. He kept his nerve in any situation, and often had his expression hidden behind long brown hair. I think he does it on purpose.

Anyway, I asked him what he thought of the war. He gave me an in-depth answer. "People are tired of it," he said, "but it's become a bad habit. They don't know what to do with themselves."

"I guess that makes sense. I'm tired of war. I wish I'd never heard the words 'Mobile Suit' or 'Gundam.'"

"Yes," he said softly, and that was all.

I mulled over his comments as I checked Unity's systems. "Sora, you're unusually quiet," she noted.

"I was thinking. Do you have an opinion on the war?"

"Sora, I was created for war. I have no 'opinion' about anything. I can sense anger, fatigue, and even shame, but I have no feelings."

That made sense. No machine was perfect, because no person was. I went back to work, wishing she was just another robot. Then maybe, just maybe, we could be friends.

"This is Duo. We need you outside, Sora. Come quickly."

I throttled up Unity and went for the open hatch. Executing a perfect liftoff, we were in harmony. An emotion, I told myself.

The colony's familiar wheel shape came into focus. Thousands of yellow lights told of the colonists whose only concern was lasting out the war.

"Hey, they want us to patrol the perimeter. You go left, Sora, and I'll go right. If anything happens, call me." He gave me the frequency, and I filed it away.

The first and second circuit went fine. Then I began picking up on thermal energy spikes. That could only mean one thing: Gundam.

It was Trowa, practicing with a beam saber. I could almost see his half-covered face and the frown under that long hair.

"How's it going?"

He spun, and the beam saber clipped Unity's right shoulder. "What are you doing here?"

"We're patrolling, Trowa. How come they didn't tell you?"

"I wasn't listening," he admitted. "Come on, would you like to spar?"

"Sure thing! Unity, can you disable your auto-guidance? I want a fair fight."

She gave the closest to a nod I'd ever seen in any robot. "Will do."

We took our stances: mine wide, with saber and shield, and Towa's a compact fencer's stance.

Saber connected with saber. The sound was only possible on our speakers, giving it a detached quality.

I parried and slashed at his left arm. He blocked and followed through with a stab to Unity's chest. "Game over," he declared flatly.

"The party just started! Enemy Suits approaching!" Duo warned.

"What is that?" I asked, pointing at red Suit.

"Gads, it's Epyon!" Duo gasped.

We watched as she joined our little formation. All crimson, she had a dangerous look about her. A flail of awesome length flickered like a scorpion's tail.

"This is Pilot Milo Hessan, of Epyon. Come and fight."

I gulped. "Milo, it's Sora!"

"Sora, I remember you. Shall we dance?"

I nodded, knowing he could see it on screen.

We turned and attacked as one. I rather think Unity helped out. We faced the oncoming Suits, giving them a "full broadside."

They were closing fast. "Let's do this!"

They broke on us in a wave. I couldn't see the end of them! I panicked.

"Breathe!" She lowered an oxygen mask to me. Where it came from, I'll never know. I took a gulp and exhaled.

"Thanks."

"None needed," she replied.
Last edited by Stori on Wed Mar 03, 2010 4:56 pm, edited 3 times in total.




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Hmm. This is confusing seenas I'm not aquainted with 'MS Unity' but even a fan-fiction should be able to stand alone. You need to explain things better and in more detail so the reader can understand what's going on and some more character description and setting description wouldn't hurt. Also, your dialogue could be more interesting but you have a rather smooth style of writing and I didn't find many mistakes. Here are a few suggestions -

I think he does it on purpose. [You changed tense here. Should be 'I think he did it on purpose.']

Executing a perfect liftoff [Should be lift-off.], we were in harmony.

"What is that?" I asked, pointing at a red Suit.

A [s]fail[/s] flail of awesome length flickered like a scorpion's tail.

Overall, it needs some work but it has potential.
Writing Gooder

~Previously KittyKatSparklesExplosion15~

The light shines brightest in the darkest places.




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Hmm... Yayness! A Gundam Fanfic! ^.^

Well, this was well done. Not quite very well done, no offense. Aside form what K1Five said, (do you mind if i call you that, Kitty?,) there was only one thing i found. In " "How's it going?"

He spun, and the beam saber clipped Unity's right shoulder. "What are you doing here?"

"We're patrolling, Trowa. How come they didn't tell you?"

"I wasn't listening," he admitted. "Come on, would you like to spar?"", the "Spun around" part sounds like Heero, while the rest of it sounds like Quatre.

Again, well done!



Thou call'dst me a dog before thou hadst cause. But, since I am a dog, beware my fangs.
— Shylock, The Merchant of Venice