Rough Drafts

So, I took another stab at ultra short poetry. I think I did better with this one, than with my last. All comments are appreciated greatly!

Rough Drafts

Crinkled pages fold together like
corpses after a gassing—
the realization is frightening.

I think there is much to be said about small spoken work. Lyrical, it moves soft across the palate. Sombre, subverting the bucolic agrarian imagery of the field with the allusion to the holocaust. That's very clever, it disarms both the cliché of the former and the melodrama of the latter. The last line I'm uncertain of. It is not without strength but merely pales in comparison with its miraculous brethren, just the rhythm of it, something catches. The title is perfect it gives it a far reaching scope.
Be proud, you supernaturally perfect miscreant, you.

Love this. So very simple and yet fully developed. Muchas well done (not tha' tha likes o' you needsa compliments from tha likesa moie) but yes. very nice. I especially like the last line; it brings the poem to a full close, and the stark difference in the tone and feeling is wonderful.

I am honoured to have read it


*hearts* Le Penguin.

Ooooo....*shivers*

Creepy. Good. Nice. Wonderful. Loved it.

Can I speak in anything but monosyllables?

Hey, great job! Loved it, and I didn't get the hidden meaning of the Holocaust until the second read.

It was worth perusing again!!!

Wiggy

Unfortunately, this poem is too true.

*stabs 43*

With that said, I think the second line is a little wordy and I would probably trim it a little. I think I'm not liking the contrast of "fields" with the other words surrounding it.

Though I may be slightly nitpicky...

Edit.

Thanks everyone!

I love the first two lines, but I agree with Kit about the third, it felt like a little bit of a let down. I'm seriously impressed by how much power you managed to channel into such a small space. I love your use of language.

Who's speaking Latin? Anyway, great job. I like it. Maybe you could add another verse?

Since I've gotten several out cries for the last line, can I ask: what should I do? Is it a matter of word choice, topic, description. Should I add imagery, maybe a metaphor, try to add a larger "oomph" so to speak?

I really don't want to make it longer than three lines, and the brevity (in my opinion) ads to the "punch" of it. But would could I/should I do to improve that last line? If all three lines were beautiful, it would be that much of a better poem.

In any case, thanks to everyone! I appreciate it to no end. ^_~

ooh nice one, Clau! <3

Hey there Clau!

I love the imagery behind 'crinkled pages,' there's so much that can be deciphered from just those two words. The rest of the first line is good too; a nice introduction and already very interesting.

The second line works well and I love the whole holocaust theme you have going (Still got your head stuck on your NaNoWriMo?) and the dash was a good choice of punctuation.

The third line though needs some revision. There's something that's not quite right. I think that realization and frightening have too many syllables to roll smoothly off of the tongue like the other words seem to. Perhaps you could change frightening to something like alarming or daunting or something. I'm sure your vocabulary list stretches further than my own. As for realization, I have very few suggestions. I mean, it's hard to change it without changing the meaning behind your poem but perhaps knowledge, truth or reality would work?

Overall, it's short but you're right, that adds to the impact and I can only guess at where the title comes in. I do have a few hunches I suppose but why not give me an explanation so that I don't embarrass myself with some completely lurid, out there connections that my imagination has thought up.

Anyway, I shall leave my comments in your capable hands and I hope I've helped a little.