Fields of Innocence

Love blooms on fields of innocence,
Childlike affection divine.
A glory shared by two of one,
Travels beyond strands of time.
Blaze with me across sunset sky,
Sweet bird eternal, never undone.
We are like the fiery phoenix,
Forever alive, and forever one.

EDIT: Update 9/13/07. Removed "For" Added "Fiery."

I thought this was a beautiful piece and particulary enjoyed your first two opening lines, which had good imagary, flow and had my gripped from the very second I read them. Throughout the poem, you use some wonderful phrases to show the inocence and this creates good imagary, but as we get to the last three lines, this fades and dampens the poem a little. Maybe it's just me?

Good work though.

I really liked this. For one thing, I have just read two poems which had no capital letters, rhyming or punctuation. And I'm not complaining about that at all, but reading yours after those two is somewhat refreshing. This flowed really well, sounded gorgeous in my head, and very well written. I liked the bird imagery also - the only thing I would say is that the seventh line is rather short so doesn't keep up with the flow quite so much. However, the last line ties it all up nicely. Very well done.

It's nice, but I think that some of your rhythm is out in places.Maybe change line four to "across the strands of time.", and "never undone" to "not undone", and I'd omit the last "and." You have some lovely imagery here, but I'd suggest reading it aloud so you can get a sense of the beat and the flow.

I added and subtracted some things on the seventh line in attempt to improve the rhythm. Hopefully it sounds better now.