Torchwood

Shattered Rainbows
No one noticed when he slipped out from behind the visiting American soldiers and started cautiously up the stairs. They had spent the evening trying to get him to lighten up and go talk to the girl who was making eyes at him from across the room. But the person he wanted was up here.
He slid onto the sofa beside them. His heart was racing, he couldn’t contain it any longer but he had to. The good honest folk wouldn’t appreciate it. He couldn’t back out now. His palms were sweaty and clammy as he placed his hand on his companion’s shoulder. They turned sharply, a look of shock slowly turned to one of comprehension and understanding. Suddenly a couple tumbled through the door, giggling and kissing. He stood up and, with a look of horror and guilt, hurried downstairs.
«««««
He stood across the dance hall watching all the couples enjoying the music. A lovely young woman in a tight red dress sang one of the latest Glenn Miller’s while a swing band played in the background. Couples whiled away the night, forgetting, just for a moment, the bombs being dropped only a few miles away and just enjoyed being together. It was torturing him. He had to do it and he couldn’t wait. He walked slowly towards his new partner; they drifted towards the couples gliding across the glossy parquet floor and joined the dancers. The whispers started, people turned to watch with wide eyes. Someone dropped a glass. It shattered, sending a thousand tiny rainbows dancing across the floor. Slowly they turned, round and round, they could feel each other’s hearts beating in their chests. They held each other tightly, clinging on to the only thing in this world that made sense. He brought his head back and they gazed deeply into each other’s eyes, they both saw something they needed shining back at them: love. When they kissed the muttering stopped, the room fell silent, but for them the whole world froze. Nothing mattered, no one else existed. For them time stood still. It was slow, full of passion, when they parted it was like ripping out their hearts and when they came back together it was like a candle in a dark room. Anyone could see that these two needed each other. They couldn’t breathe, they couldn’t live, they couldn’t spend another second on this earth without each other. But this was 1941; even love that strong wouldn’t face up to the pressure.

Not when you were both men.

Hey, Emma! Welcome to YWS.

Just a couple things. Before you post your own literary works, you should try and review at least two of other people's. If you post two things in a row, you won't get as many critiques, and if you put a rating on your pieces (use the "edit" button in the top corner,) they'll show up on the front page so people can see them.

Anyway, on to your story!

Suddenly a couple tumbled through the door, giggling and kissing. He stood up and, with a look of horror and guilt, hurried downstairs.

I like this. It seems like something that could really happen, and you've relayed his shame in a great way.

A lovely young woman in a tight red dress sang one of the latest Glenn Miller’s while a swing band played in the background.

Words like lovely aren't very descriptive. The tight red dress is good, but instead of saying she's lovely, you could talk about her shiny blonde curls and soft curves: whatever makes her lovely.

Slowly they turned, round and round, they could feel each other’s hearts beating in their chests.

In the sentence before this, the they you were talking about was the crowd. It's confusing when you switch theys without using the noun.

Adding more paragraphs would make this easier to read, and separate your thoughts nicely. If you double space the paragraphs you already have it would look better online.

The last line didn't do anything for me. I sort of guessed the main character might be gay, and it didn't have much for shock value. Maybe you could phrase it differently, or add one final, concluding sentence?

I don't really feel it when they're together. You use a lot of similes, which are great, but it seems a little watered down and cliché. I'd love it if you added some more description of the hall they're in.

The title made me smile. It's very well thought out. The rainbow thing is clever.

Thanks a lot for posting this! It's a really great piece of flash fiction, and with a bit of editing I'm sure it will be even better. If you haven't yet, you should introduce yourself in the welcome forum.

Jenna

I think this is great and i don't think it's cliche (well the first time i read it i didn't guess the end).

Your descriptions are great and the idea is good too.


The title is very clever too.

Not when you were both men.

The last line really hits you, i think.

Great, keep writing.

Emma, I liked this piece of writing and it was okay, but as you know, I'm not a fan of Torchwood and actually, didn't understand much, is it even about Torchwood?.

I agree with the person who posted first.. Uhm... Jennafina, you need to review some poepl's work on here before you post your own 'cause then you sort of get better known and have more chance of getting critiques on your work.

Review then write mate, then you get lots of critiques.

I don't remeber this episode very well but your version doesn't seem to be different from the episode.

You could have added your own conclusion, the kissing scence sounds cliché--the whole world freezing, I do know this is what happened with the two Jacks.

If you make changes, your own way of intepreting the story then I think really can improve this piece.

Good luck.

OMG, that was twisted!! The description was totally shattered by the last line: "Not when they were both men."

Scary I don't know; what is this based on?