Halo: The Rise of T he Covenant

The dropship skimmed over a snowy mountain top. Inside the ship were 30 fully armed and armored killing machines code named, Spartans. The dropship lost altitude as it hit an air pocket but it quickly caught and righted itself.
Alex sat in the uncomfortable seat and looked at his assault rifle. He noticed the ammo counter was at zero on his heads-up-display. He slapped a fresh clip into the reciever and watched the counter go to 60. Perfect, he thought.
"Okay, ladies and gents! These alien scum planned a picnic down there and you're all invited. Now down to business. The Marine Corps 4th Infantry and the 56th Armored division are trying to hold off. They can't," the Sergeant yelled over the roar of the engines. "So that's where you come in. You're going to land just 2 clickes North of the position and get there to reinforce them."
The dropship cleared another mountain and revealed a nightmare. Fire and explosions blanketed the landscape. The once tranquil and desolate snow covered ravine was now a battlefield. A corpse strewn, hot battlefield.
"Any opposition where we land?" A Spartan asked fingering her trigger.
"Of course there is. What? You didn't think we'd let you have some fun?" the Sergeant replied. The sun was setting but the remaining rays illuminated the inside holding area. The light was reflected off of the olive drab panels of armor.
"Okay. I see the LZ. Load up and kill a few of the bastards for me," the pilot said over the communications line. The hatch of the Pelican dropship blew open and glided down to the ground. The Spartans stood up all at once. They looked majestic. Their armor shining. They looked like gods. The orange, faceless visors on their helmets made them even more terrifying.
"3...2...1. Go, go, go!" the Sergeant yelled. One by one the Spartans jumped from the Pelican. They all spread eagled and opened their parachutes. Alex's wouldn't open and neither would his emergency chute. He hit the ground. Hard.

Dude, not bad, but a few thing.

1.) make it more clear as to where your paragraphes are. It was a little hard to get at first. A simple space will do.

2.) After talking to you you seem to write a small intro to see how people will react. If you don't bring the story out into the light, how can we tell if we truly like it. At this point I want to read more so post an actual chapter to get a good review. I could never write Fanfiction, but you seem good at it. Make that chapter and go from there.

PS- Go Spartans!

Have you read the book "Halo: The Fall of Reach?" It really goes into the Spartan's mentality and training. Once you read it, you'll be able to improve this far more in my opinion.

He's read it, but like i said, he needs a real chapter for us to get into it more right?

Then perhaps I'll go into more detail.

1. The Spartans are Elite Warriors.

Almost every Spartan is a veteran and have been training since they were six years old to fight. They are elite and they should display no nervousness about what is coming. This is different from being a killing machine. They are methodical and quite intelligent about who and how they kill.

2. Spartans rarely ask questions. The standard fare is that they sit silently and pay attention. Since they are the best of the best, it shouldn't surprise them that they are heading into a hairy situation. Instead of asking if there is any opposition (which is a silly question in view of their past experiences) at the landing zone, they should be asking how much opposition there is.

3. Parachutes? Honestly, this is the year 2525+, haven't they got something more advanced? Also, why wouldn't a Pelican give them a hot drop?

4. The Sergeant. This is possibly the most annoying character. His behavior wouldn't be out of place if he was trying to motivate a bunch of greenhorns, but these are Spartans. They ought to be treated much differently, for the very reason that they are different from every other unit the UNSC.

Doesn't work for me. As a big fan of the Halo series, I think it's lacking in terms of technology, Spartan mentality, and Timeline.

The writing was decent enough--format it a bit, add some descriptions, etc, and you have a solid action story.

But it isn't Halo.

Research it--if you're going to fanfic, make sure you have everything about it right. Because other fans WILL tear it apart.

I have read and researched the entire series. They do have parachutes. How else would they get to the ground. Just because they are Spartans, doesn't mean that they don't ask questions. Who said that the year was 2552. I'm writing it in the year 2533. Back when there were more Spartans to fight. If you remember right, in the first game, there was a level with a HOT DROP. And if you don't remember, Sergeant Johnson was always trying to motivate the Spartans. Maybe I'm going to make the Sergeant into Johnson.

Hey, you were talking about this, so I thought I'd take a look. It's really a good start. Don't give up!

First, my favorite: Grammar! *waits for applause*

*crickets, coughs*

Tch, whatever...

The dropship skimmed over a snowy mountain top. Inside the ship were 30 fully armed and armored killing machines code named, Spartans. The dropship lost altitude as it hit an air pocket but it quickly caught and righted itself.

First paragraph is a rough start and can use some rewriting. The italics belong together, and the bold was just random. Also, to help you start, you could describe the inside of the Pelican, or the scenery through the window. Let's see if we can make it sound much smoother than it is too.

The snow atop the mountains gilstened in the bright yellow sun, the white puffy clouds gliding across the blue skies. The ground became greener and greener as the dropship carrying the thirty Spartans lowered from the sky and landed on the ground with an annoying, violent jerk. The Spartans toppled atop one another, losing balance from the landing...

Man, I really got into the writing, didn't I? But, it gives you an idea that can help you improve a more interesting introduction, a much better hook to get the reader's attention. ^^

Alex sat in the uncomfortable seat and looked at his assault rifle

Why is it uncomfortable? Is it leather? Or is it a metal bench? Is the seat belt annoying? (Obvoiusly, there won't be a seat belt XD but you get the picture )

Perfect, he thought.

Characters' thoughts are usually in italics to better understand.

"Okay, ladies and gents! These alien scum planned a picnic down there and you're all invited. Now down to business. The Marine Corps 4th Infantry and the 56th Armored division are trying to hold off. They can't," the Sergeant yelled over the roar of the engines.

Is is possible to put that tag earlier in the quote? Probably best to put it right after that first statement, "Okay, ladies and gents!" Otherwise, the reader doesn't know who's talking until nearly the end of his quote. >_<

Also, you could probably put a short, but descriptive description (:lol:) about the Seargant so the reader can picture the speaker.

You're going to land just 2 clickes North of the position and get there to reinforce them."

"2" can probably be written out as "two" since it's pretty easy. Usually the numbers 1-19 can be written out, and the rest can be used as numerals if necessary.

desolate snow covered ravine

Put a hyphon (-) between these two words. In this instance, we kind of force the two words into one, and that's where the hyphon comes in to join the two. Oh, and a comma after "desolate." ^^

"Any opposition where we land?" A Spartan asked fingering her trigger.

A comma after "asked" and before "fingering".

"Of course there is. What? You didn't think we'd let you have some fun?" the Sergeant replied.

Again, the tag can be placed earlier on in the quote.

The sun was setting but the remaining rays illuminated the inside holding area.

Comma between those two. ^^

"Okay. I see the LZ.

This is probably a stupid question, but what does LZ stand for?

They looked majestic. Their armor shining. They looked like gods. The orange, faceless visors on their helmets made them even more terrifying.

This is kind of a random style combined with yours. Just combine these sentences into decent, flowing sentences that make sense. I think you can think of way without me doing all the work.

Well, grammar summary...Commas, sentence structure...and I think that's pretty much it. Oh, and tags. Just make your story flow more, easier to read, and try to get the reader's attention right away.

I really don't have any problem with what you had. I'm not sure about the dates, but I do realize you're taking this before John ever became an official Spartan in 2552.

A little work on your description. I've mentioned this before to others, and you can hear it too. Humans have five sense (unless they're strange and have a sixth sense o_O ): sight, hear, smell, taste, and feel.

Use them. There there for plenty of reasons, and this is one of them. Authors made writing a reason for senses for centuries, and we prove it with our good written stories. What does the seat look like? What does the dropship full of Spartan soldiers smell like? What does the air feel like when they take a breath? How loud is a gunshot? What does the armor feel like on their bare skin?

See what I mean?

That's pretty much it...Oh, and better formet for YWS: put spaces between paragraphs. It makes it easier to read, and it doesn't scare people away. Seeing a big block of text, like here, can be a bit overwhelming. ^^'

That's all! It's a really good start, though. I was kind of disappointed it was so short. I really like Halo, and it's a good idea to do a fanfic on that series, just make sure you stick to the content. ^^ It's difficult (I think) to write fanfics just because I can get carried away. Some people are pretty talented though when it comes to fanfics. ^^

Keep writing! Any questions or comments, PM me or I'm found in the chatroom!

Jabber, the One and Only!

The first thing I noticed is that you need to separate better between paragraph. You also need to put thoughts in italics.

You have a a few spelling and grammar issues, but it doesn't really feel Halo enough. Take the others' advice and read the books. They're okay.

~Timea

this is very unoriginal and incorrect if it follows any of the Halo video games or books, all of the spartans were killed and masterchief wasthe "last Spartan" so really this story didnt make sense to me and frankly if anyone follows the story at all with halo it wont make sense to them either. And when they deployed the parachutes it woudnt really help becuase the spartan"s" weigh so much that the parachutes would not help so everyone would really "hit the ground. Hard."

-Vulcan

this is very unoriginal and incorrect if it follows any of the Halo video games or books, all of the spartans were killed and masterchief wasthe "last Spartan" so really this story didnt make sense to me and frankly if anyone follows the story at all with halo it wont make sense to them either. And when they deployed the parachutes it woudnt really help becuase the spartan"s" weigh so much that the parachutes would not help so everyone would really "hit the ground. Hard."

-Vulcan

Z here. its a pretty good prologue, but I think it should be cleaned up a bit.

i believe snow-covered and corpse-strewn should have a dash(-) between them. also, i don't think magestic describes a spartan. and i dont think they look like gods, in that armor. more like supersoldiers. maybe god-like, or godly, but they don't look like gods.

of course, you can ignore me if you want to, just suggestions. but fix this:

They all spread eagled and opened their parachutes.

wait...whats this? eagled? maybe, rather, they all spread out like wings on an eagle.

anyway, please, right on, write on!!!

-Z