Friday nightMARES

I have some bits of a tune for it, but not enough to class it a full blown song, but here are the lyrics.


I'll hold you 'till the morning,

didnt feel like sleeping anyway.

It was only a bad dream,

wipe away the ran mascara,

even though you still look too beautiful for me,

I'll turn on all the lights,

open all the cupboards and sit watching late night crap,

curled up in your eyeliner stained duvee with you on my lap and your

teddy on my chest and try remember you as nineteen, who can say they

spend their friday like this?

I'll smile as you tug my hand and stroke my hair absentmindly, I'll hold

you closer when you burry into my shirt, I'll wipe away all your tears and

clean the makeup from your cheeks and love every second of it.

I'll give you my favourite t-shirt to replace your tear soaked one and

not care that you'll make boobs in it, I'll smiles as you play with my

necklace amd put your hands in my ass pockets and look up at me with

your red eyes and smudged lip stick smile and think you the cutest thing

in my life, and laugh as you make fun of the people on tv and watch your

monsters get flicked away with the channels, before the five am sun lights

up the aftermath of you and too much vodka and free party food, and

think that this would be one of the things I'll remember when i watch you

running to me with your gleaming hair and shining eyes and my favourite

top and its boobs, looking like its on an angel with a smile that could keep

me up all friday night and saturday morning for nothing but to see you

smile it again and again and again.

Hey there! First off this is really sweet and you have some good lines but your structure disintegrated towards the end and it feels more like poetic prose than lyrics. Perhaps you could add a refrain? That would certainly help and then check your punctuation. I do like the references to make up though and how you've shown how beautiful the girl is, even when she's at her lowest point. A few small suggestions -

wipe away the ran [Perhaps this would be better as 'wipe away the smudged mascara'] mascara,

on my chest and try to remember you as nineteen,

I'll smile as you tug my hand and stroke my hair absentmindly, [Absently is smoother.]

I'll smile[s]s[/s] as you play with my necklace

and think you're the cutest thing in my life

I'll remember when[s] i[/s] I watch you running to me

looking like it's on an angel with a smile

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Overall you have the basics for a good song here but you have to tidy it up a bit. Keep up the good work!

This is very sweet and I wish someone would say something like this to me one day. I got the impression that, even though it probably wasn't, it was an older couple, maybe in their fourties and the man was remmebering when they first began to hang out and it put the impression across that he always sees the girl as she was when she was younger. Maybe not...

Not too sure about the structure and I think it shouldn't really be in the poetry forum, maybe instead the lyics. As you stated before the poem, that you had a tune to go with it, I'd consider that.

I particularly liked the bit when the boy lends her the top, but sort of begrudingly says something about how he'll get it back and it'll be stretched and have the shape of her boobs in it, but he lets her use it anyway.

Altogether, I loved this.

I didn't really feel the tune, but I liked the romance in it.
It was touching, yet it had that...secretive tone to the words.
It makes you wonder.

Aww, this is really cute I can't see anything i don't like in here...i love it

I can't critique lyrics at all, so you will get no real comments. ^^; Since this is a song lyric, like you said, I'm going to move it to the lyrics section. Also, take the text out of bold, and you can get rid of the line breaks (spaces) in between each line--that just makes it harder to read.