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(people who read the first section--the intro--will note that I changed the name of the main character from Gabby to Manizha)


CHAPTER ONE:
Over the Rainbow


Manizha was halfway aware of the fact that there weren’t often tornados in Washington State. Not even tiny ones. Yet the wind-swirl coming near her mother and grandmother’s house was a tornado, just like she’d seen on TV, and it was picking up speed. The tornado was gray against the dim April sun and looked like Manizha’s twenty-five cent toy top, which was gray and black and made pretty patterns when spun.

Clinging to her cornhusk doll, Sally, Manizha put her front three fingers in her mouth and sucked on them, watching the tornado as it came closer. She thought it was kind of exciting, and wondered what would happen if her house, cow and car were swept away while Grandma was at the grocery store.

Auntie usually took Mommy to the grocery story because Mommy couldn’t go by herself anymore. She got lost and would start crying, or refused to buy anything but sweets, and anyway she had lost her license when Manizha was six after the “episode.” Today Mommy couldn’t go to the store because of her headache. She’d spent the whole morning moping about, whining to Grandma, begging that her head hurt too much and her limbs were disjointed.

Mommy hadn’t changed her clothes in a couple of days and she had that wild look in her eyes, so finally, flustered, Grandma had gone to the store, promising Manizha a beautiful birthday cake and a special present if she watched Mommy for forty-five minutes.

It was Manizha's seventh birthday.

Now Manizha was standing on the porch, her homemade dress flapping in the wind, moccasins on her feet, dark brown hair blowing and tangling in front of her wide, brown eyes. She clutched her doll. The tornado was coming such a lot closer to their home. Manizha was beginning to panic.

She dropped Sally on the porch and ran into the house.
The house smelled of frybread, of sweet grass and beeswax, of cigarette smoke and Muffin, their dog. The carpets were brown and the coach was big and soft. Mommy was laying on it with a washcloth on her head and a gingham thrown over her body. The Price is Right was on TV.

Manizha ran up to her.

“Mommy!” she shook her leg. “Mommy come and look! There’s a tornado coming!”

Mommy sat up slowly.

Mommy wasn’t Native American like Manizha and Daddy. Mommy had ash-blonde hair and blue eyes. Her skin was white and she had pale, prominent features. Mommy was Russian, which is not Native American at all. Sometimes people used to whisper about Manizha’s mother, when they went to the reservation for Pow Wows. But then Daddy stopped seeing Manizha, and they didn’t go anymore, so it didn’t matter.

“What’s wrong, Manizha?” Mommy asked, sincerely afraid.

“There is wind coming and it’s storming!”

Mommy grabbed Manizha’s hand and they ran out onto the porch.
The tornado had blown away the fence that kept the cow in. It’d ripped in half the cowshed. It was right in Manizha’s front yard, just off to the side of the porch.

Manizha’s mother started laughing.

“Lookie, Manizha! Lookie! It’s just like the Wizard of Oz! It’s just like Dorothy!”

Her mother started singing, “Follow the yellow brick road, follow the yellow brick road,” and it made Manizha feel panicky and squelched up on the inside. She started crying a little bit and wished Grandma were there.
Manizha’s mother was hysterical with joy. She turned around and faced her little daughter, putting thick hands on tiny shoulders.

“I’m going to go to Oz, Manizha,” Mommy said. “I’m going to go to Oz. Let me just get my shoes!”

Mommy ran into the house and Manizha sat down on the porch, hard. Her body was swelling with the bigness of it all: having a tornado in her yard, Grandma being at the grocery store, mother in the house. The chicken shed had already been ripped from the ground and flung away, chickens sailing through the air and squawking.

Manizha’s eyes grew wide and she scooted herself against the beam on the porch. She picked up Sally and put her in the crook of her arm.
The tornado started to blow the other direction, toward the field. Manizha stuck her fingers in her mouth again and wondered if the whole crop would get sucked up, like chocolate milk a straw.

It had blown just a few feet away when Manizha’s mother ran out onto the porch. She had put on a flowery scarf and a big dress up hat. She was wearing cloggy red shoes over her socks.
Manizha stayed dead still.

Mommy bent down and grabbed Manizha’s hands.

“Are you coming to Oz with me?” she asked, ecstatic.

Mommy had smeared her ruby red lipstick all over her face. She had Manizha’s glitter eye shadow on.
“Mommy…” Manizha said.

Her mother turned around and ran down the porch, stumbling in her silly shoes.

Manizha was both horrified and intrigued. If her mother really went to Oz, Manizha wanted to go to. But Manizha didn’t think her mommy was going to Oz. Manizha had thought Oz was just a made-up thing with a girl in a frock to tell kids to have a good heart and stuff. She didn’t think you could go there actually.

Muffin had come out onto the porch. His body tensed up, tail stuff, front paw lifted, when he saw the tornado. He started barking. Manizha dropped Sally and grabbed onto Muffin’s collar.

“No Muffin, shhh.”

Her mother was running across the yard, through the wreckage of a chicken coop. The tornado was only ten or twelve feet away from her, and she was already being lacerated by swirling, wreckage-clumped air around it.
She turned around and blew Manizha a big, smacking kiss.
Manizha screamed.

Mommy ran into the tornado.

Manizha watched, horrified and electric. The tornado picked Mommy up a few feet. She spun around wildly, arms coming out of the sides. The hat flew off, sailing as wildly as the chickens had.

As quickly as it’d licked her mommy up, it spat her out, and for a moment, Manizha’s mother sailed, a broad, sickly smile on her face. Then she fell with a thump into the wreckage of the cowshed.

Manizha sat very still on the porch, petting Muffin until he got bored and went inside. She watched the tornado as it spun across the field, siphoning up the wheat and blowing it away. Then it died down, and Manizha walked into the house, shutting the door.

She sat down on the couch and wrapped herself in the gingham, turning up the volume on The Price is Right.

Half an hour later Grandma came home with Manizha’s birthday cake. It was vanilla.

Grandma was in a state of frenzy. She’d seen the tornado from the highway but had stayed well away for her own safety. She was practically shrieking.
“Where’s your mother, child? Where’s your mother?”

“Oh,” Manizha said, taking a bit of frosting off the cake with her fingers, “She’s gone off to Oz.”




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Creepy!
Anyway, I really liked this. But.... I found that the descriptions are run on sentences in some parts of this piece, and it also kind of gets meandering and boring, especially in the first paragraph. Also, you mentioned that it is her seventh birthday. I would suggest making her be younger than that, since the style and dialogue of the story already make her seem younger.
And what grandmother in their right mind would leave a seven year old girl in charge of a mentally unhealthy adult? Just something to think about. What is this "incident" you mentioned? it makes for an anoying cliffhanger. :)

I also found it kind of unbeleivable the way she is standing just a few feet from a tornado, and watching it suck up the chickens and her mother. First of all, an actual tornado would have to be bigger than what you are describing to be called a tornado. Also, you would think that she would feel the wind very strongly, and would probably be hit with flying debri.

I think thats it..... oh yes.

tail stuff, front paw lifted

I think you meant stiff.

This was pretty good in total, not many grammar or spelling mistakes, or anything along those lines. I would add more description, which could make this piece really shine.




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I love it!
So is this why she is the way she is when she's older??
I agree with canislupis on everything she said especially that Manizha should be younger --maybe four or five? Also, sometimes you call Manizha's mother "Mommy" and sometimes "her mother." Sometimes that's ok, but you should look that over.

The tornado was gray against the dim April sun and looked like Manizha’s twenty-five cent toy top, which was gray and black and made pretty patterns when spun.

Take out "pretty" it weakens the whole sentence.


She’d spent the whole morning moping about, whining to Grandma, begging that her head hurt too much and her limbs were disjointed.

I don't think "begging" is the right word here. Maybe try "complaining" "moaning" "griping" "whining"...


Mommy hadn’t changed her clothes in a couple of days and she had that wild look in her eyes, so finally, flustered, Grandma had gone to the store, promising Manizha a beautiful birthday cake and a special present if she watched Mommy for forty-five minutes.

Since you haven't already explained "that wild look" I think you should just say "a wild look"
And think about it, flustered means confused... is Grandma really confused? Aggravated, maybe annoyed or perhaps jaded might work better.


She clutched her doll. The tornado was coming such a lot closer to their home. Manizha was beginning to panic.

I think this needs a reword. Try "Clutching her doll, she began to panic; the tornado was coming closer and closer to their home." Or you can reword it differently, just as long as it gets reworded :D


Mommy wasn’t Native American like Manizha and Daddy.

Maybe just say "like Daddy" because if her Mommy's not Native American, the Manizha has to be only half Native American.


But then Daddy stopped seeing Manizha, and they didn’t go anymore, so it didn’t matter.

What do you mean by this? Clarification!


Manizha stuck her fingers in her mouth again and wondered if the whole crop would get sucked up, like chocolate milk a straw.

I know what you're trying to say, but in this contexts say "like chocolate milk through a straw" it sounds better.


If her mother really went to Oz, Manizha wanted to go to. But Manizha didn’t think her mommy was going to Oz.

First sentence: You mean "Go too."
Both of the sentences are places you might want to say "Mommy" rather than "her mother" and "her mommy."


Manizha watched, horrified and electric. The tornado picked Mommy up a few feet.

Maybe change it to "Manizha watched, horrified and electric as the tornado picked Mommy up a few feet."


As quickly as it’d licked her mommy up, it spat her out, and for a moment, Manizha’s mother sailed, a broad, sickly smile on her face. Then she fell with a thump into the wreckage of the cowshed.

I like that :D


Manizha sat very still on the porch, petting Muffin until he got bored and went inside.

I don't have a dog, but from what I've read and heard, dogs wouldn't just "get bored and go inside" while their master is in danger...

Love the ending! More coming soon????

I hope this helped!
~Azila




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Creepy is right! WOW misty! It's great so far!
however; the beginning could have been, more...I dunno. It should drag the reader in more.

Look forward to ch. 2!
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I am, as always it seems, in awe of your talent =D. I cannot, nay! will not, wait for a new chapter.... I lie, I will wait =D


You already knew I liked this, but I figured hardcopy proof is always good. ;) I am enthusistic to read more.

Oh, and I found almost no mistakes, the ones I did, I believe, have been mentioned.


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I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.




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"Manizha was halfway aware of the fact "
At first glance it was rather confusing. Otherise, excellent beginning!

"Clinging to her cornhusk doll, Sally,"
At first I thought you switched from Manizha to Sally, so I think you should write "Clinging to Sally, her cornhusk doll,"

"She got lost and would then start crying"
Weird sentence. "She would get lost and then start crying, or even refusing to buy anything but.." is better.

' the “episode" '
"the episode"

"crying a little bit"
No "bit" necessary.

The girl wouldn't be intrigued if a tornado was in her backyard! Even if she is six.

"wanted to go to"
*too

I like it. It's good, it's intriguing...but not amazing. I didn't see any significance in it, no emotions, it was just really entertaining. Sort of like a real good horror movie on a Saturday night. I don't see any way to change it, really.

Two more things:

Add something more about what happened to the mother. Why did the girl not go see if she was alive? Why didn't the mother scream when she (if) she died? ? ?

Also, you are switching from hurricane to tornado a couple times in the story (I think). They are not the same.

Good job though!
:)
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away




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*

Manizha was halfway aware of the fact that there weren’t often tornados in Washington State.


Makes sense without the ‘often’.

The tornado started to blow in the other direction, toward the field.


^^^ See quote

Manizha stuck her fingers in her mouth again and wondered if the whole crop would get sucked up, like chocolate milk a straw.


Just a suggestion: [...] and wondered if the whole crop would get sucked away, like chocolate milk up a straw.

She had put on a flowery scarf and a big dress up hat.


Perhaps it’d be better to use a dash to connect the words, otherwise it looks like she’s big dress that goes up: dress-up

Manizha was both horrified and intrigued. If her mother really went to Oz, Manizha wanted to go to.


Typo: too

She didn’t think you could actually go there [s]actually[/s].


^^^ See suggestion

His body tensed up, tail stuff, front paw lifted, when he saw the tornado.


‘stiff’ rather than ‘stuff’?

He started barking. Manizha dropped Sally and grabbed [s]onto[/s] Muffin’s collar.


^^^ See suggestion

*

I wasn’t sure which one to critique first as both are titled chapter one and I went for this one.

From what I’ve seen in the news tornados are really strong, if that’s the right word, and I’m surprised the cowshed was torn away but not Manizha and her mother.

Also:

Mommy ran into the tornado.


She’s supposed to be ‘picked up’ rather than running into it. Think of a vacuum cleaner or a sucking machine, everything goes into it by force.

As Manizha is six, would she actually know what a tornado was or if they occurred in Washington? She seems a little older than seven.

Apart from that it was a weird-but-interesting read, and you’ve used a Persian name! =]

Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'



Why do we only rest in peace? Why don't we live in peace too?
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