The Well

2 posts
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 142
Kitty stared down into the murky, cavernous well. It was the only feature she really liked about this new house. Compared to the ready-to-cave-any-second roof, her cracked bedroom window, the creaky screen doors, and the rats-oh the RATS!- the well was a plus; even if it was old and smelly.

“Ya betta watch yaself kid!” The rickety old voice of the rickety old man startled Kitty, nearly causing her to jump right into the well.

“Umm… excuse me?” said Kitty, who was not used to the idea of strange old men appearing out of nowhere in her backyard.

“Watch yaself,” he repeated. “That well’s dangerous. I reckon it’s haunted too.”

“Haunted?”

“Mhmm. Ya see,” said the old man, “A few years ago, a little girl about your age fell down that very same well.” Now he whispered, “Sometimes at night, when its reeeeal quiet, I think I hear her crying out for help.”

There was a long pause. The birds chirped. The smell of the well water drifted through the yard. A rat scurried across the patio.

Finally, Kitty said, “Well, I’d better go inside now.” She sprinted inside, and into her tiny, dim bedroom. She watched from the cracked window until she saw the old man leave.

What a creepy old man, she thought to herself. She quickly dismissed the thought. After all, what was one crazy old man anyways? He was probably just confused, as many elderly folks are. She let out a long yawn. Time for bed, she thought. Moving sure is hard work.

Kitty woke up in the middle of the night, hearing a rather loud thumping noise outside. It sounded almost like a hammer striking stone. She considered getting up to check out the source of the noise, but soon it stopped, and so there was no need. She fell back asleep within minutes.

***
The next morning, Kitty awoke to sunshine streaming through her broken window and the sound of rats stirring from a deep sleep. Her parents had already gone off to work, she discovered, leaving her alone.

After two hours of television, Kitty got bored and decided to go outside. She was immediately drawn to her favorite part of the yard- the well. It almost looked like it was in even worse shape today than it was yesterday. It almost looked as if it was cracked…by a hammer. But, she reminded herself, it was crazy to think this was connected with the noise last night. She put the thought out of her mind and sat down on the wall of the well.

Within seconds, Kitty found herself tumbling down into the blackness of the well. She cried out for help, but nobody answered her calls. And then she knew no more.


***
Angela found herself staring into the bottom of a mysterious, shadowy well. It was her favorite part about the new house, considering the entire place was falling apart, and the rats were everywhere. In a moment of silence, she thought she heard someone calling out for help. But there was nobody around but an old man…
I think you're crazy, maybe.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5577
Reviews 672
Kitty stared down into the murky, cavernous well.


Auk...not a very good way to grab your reader's attention. I mean in a Simpsons episode where Marge is writing a novel called "The Harpooned Heart", the word "stared" was mentioned and the way it was used, it sounded cliche. I think a better hook could be used than just that.

It was the only feature she really liked about this new house. Compared to the ready-to-cave-any-second roof, her cracked bedroom window, the creaky screen doors, and the rats-oh the RATS!- the well was a plus; even if it was old and smelly.


Info dumping. Doesn't really engage me into the story. Showing the house would be more effective.

“Mhmm. Ya see,” said the old man, “A few years ago, a little girl about your age fell down that very same well.” Now he whispered, “Sometimes at night, when its reeeeal quiet, I think I hear her crying out for help.”


God so cliche. I've heard dialogue similar to that many times on television and when I was young.

The next morning, Kitty awoke to sunshine streaming through her broken window and the sound of rats stirring from a deep sleep. Her parents had already gone off to work, she discovered, leaving her alone.

After two hours of television, Kitty got bored and decided to go outside. She was immediately drawn to her favorite part of the yard- the well. It almost looked like it was in even worse shape today than it was yesterday. It almost looked as if it was cracked…by a hammer. But, she reminded herself, it was crazy to think this was connected with the noise last night. She put the thought out of her mind and sat down on the wall of the well.

Within seconds, Kitty found herself tumbling down into the blackness of the well. She cried out for help, but nobody answered her calls. And then she knew no more.


This can be expanded more. It felt like it just randomly happen without adding realism.

Review:

One word to describe this story: Rushed. It felt as though it was written in about fifteen minutes. There was hardly any emotion of characters, no character development, lack of details and you just basically slammed the plot into my face.

The story itself was cliche too. I mean some old man warns your main character that something bad dwells beneath the well. It's been done to death and the theme of something bad in a well is overused. Period.

I advise you to come up with a more original plot, avoiding the cliches. Show us what happens, don't tell and add more personality and emotion into your characters. Kitty is flat as pancakes at the moment so give her some depth.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."



My existence is political. And love is my statement.
— Kevin Abstract