Excerpt from a Journal

Excerpt from the journal of a fifteen-year-old girl.

9-6-07

Tonight I watched the pupils of my eyes.

In the bright bathroom light, they were strangely large and dominated the golden-brown rings around them. Then I switched off the light, waited a moment, and flipped it back on again. Immediately the huge black pupils shrank to less than half their original size. Then, pulsating in and out quickly, the black slowly came forward until once again it covered most of my eye.

It reminded me of a wild animal, just getting comfortable in your presence...until you startle it by changing your position abruptly. It flees, frightened, and will continue fleeing until you change back to your original position. Then the animal stops, and slowly begins to creep back towards you, it's heart still racing, whites of it's eyes showing at it glares at you warily, nose quivering with quick, frightened breaths. At last it's fright subsides and it climbs to your lap again.

I'd like to think that it was a strange phenomenon. What my eyes do, I mean. I've never heard of the pupil of one's eye pulsating in such a manner. But it is, I'm sure, merely another case of my unintelligence raising it's large, far-too-often-seen head and allowing me to pretend that I know something about eye behavior.

I am not the type of person who would have unusual eyes. I am more the kind of person who would believe myself to have unusual eyes, when in fact they are rather small, and quite a bit below average.

My dramatic nature lends itself too easily to my usually-pragmatic train of thought and leads it down the road - or train track, as the case may be - of imagination to the train station of erroneous conclusion.

I am amusing myself with this strange metaphor, but enough is enough. A little goes a very long way, as far as metaphors are concerned. If metaphor is even the correct term. That's what brought my 'A' down to an 'A-' on one of my tests, you know. Unable to keep straight the difference between metaphor, analogy and simile. Perhaps I should put something of the sort on my tombstone.

"Anologies and metaphors were all the same to her."

Hmm. Not very catchy, but unfortunately accurate.

Since tonight I seem to have devoted myself to random musings on unrelated subjects...

I wonder what it's like to be in love. It seems so wonderful, yet a terrible torture at the same time. I wonder if I'll ever be in love. If so, I wonder with whom? Every once in a while my romantic, impractical nature takes control of rational thought and makes me dream of a handsome gentleman, gallant and lighthearted. Usually, on a more modern note, he has a sexy English accent.

Then my old pragmatic self jerks me back down and tells me with cruel, precise accuracy that if I'm lucky enough to have someone fall in love with me, it'll be some guy I've known all my life and don't love back, or a creepy, strange man who's obsessed with fat girls.

I can't figure out whether I'm an optimist or a pessimist. Perhaps my opinions swing on a wide, extreme scale from one to the other, depending on my mood.

I must get some sleep. An early, busy morning lies far too close for comfort. Goodnight!

In the bright bathroom light, they were strangely large and dominated the golden-brown rings around them.

Is the golden-brown her skin or her eyelashes? If it's the latter (which I assume it is) maybe consider saying "golden brown lashes around them" or something to clarify.

But it is, I'm sure, merely another case of my unintelligence raising it's large, far-too-often-seen head and allowing me to pretend that I know something about eye behavior.

Change the end to "pretend that I know something." Because it's not everyday that she pretends to know something about eye behavior, is it? ...Also, it unintelligence really a word? I guess that doesn't matter though, this a journal after all --I definitely don't have spell-check on MY journal entries

Hmm. Not very catchy, but unfortunately accurate.

Just a matter of opinion, I guess, but "Hmm" doesn't exactly seem like the kind of thing you'd write in a journal...
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All in all I thought it was lovely. Seemed like the musings of a 15yearold girl. And to be truthful, I couldn't really find anything negative to say about it--the critiques I have are really nit-picky... especially that last one... sorry!

Though it was rambly and didn't go much of anywhere, that's not the point, is it? Anyway, I like it... I might try doing a journal entry myself sometime... seems like a fun thing to write, not to mention a good excuse to write things that otherwise would not be accepted (ending sentences in prepositions, rambling and not thinking of an ending, etc)... Anyway, a good way to just write and not really worry about anything.

So yeah, good job, good luck, goodbye and good riddance and all that stuff (except the last, perhaps)!

Keep it up!!
~Azila

Hey kool!

All right, I'm going to be completely and bluntly honest with you: I didn't see any point to this piece. At all. To me, it was a ramble of disconnected thoughts that veered off on random subjects...you even mentioned that in the narrative! When you see that, you know there's something wrong. (You already know it cause you wrote it, so, ask yourself, what's the point of the piece?)

First of all, you had the double syndrome--that is, for every noun (at least almost), you described it with two adjectives. Some people have this tendency to do that with adjectives (whether it be in triples, singles, etc.), and if it's noticeable, it could use a second look. Try varying it a little, and in several instances, see if one will suffice. Don't be afraid to be poetic, but not to a flowery, overemphatic extent.

The part about the eyes really bothered me. It dragged out way too long, and frankly, I skimmed through that part the second time I read it because I didn't see any point in all the description. You're story starts when she wonders what love is. Start there, cut out all the extra gunk beforehand (Remember, novelists often cut out the first hundred or so pages of their novels before they even begin to revise!), and add in the eye similes/metaphors later. It'll tie in better together.

Also, the detail about the test seemed pointless. Unless it has something to do with your story, or even just adds to it, you shouldn't include it. I'd cut this one out if I were you.

Lastly, I noticed you changed tenses a lot. At the beginning it was past tense, in the second paragraph present, and so on and so forth.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh--I just think this piece needs some major reworking. If you need some more input, or have any questions, please, tell me! I'd be happy to help.

I did like the first line.

Nice job!