TIGWS: Rise of the Rebellion

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Ok. I fixed it up so it's a LOT better! NOTE: This galaxy has had contact with the Star Wars one.

Chapter 1

“These clones are perfect.”

“Yes. They will do well if it comes to war.”

Lira Thell-Ellis and Kwest Omarrin walked alongside the training clone army with pride and pleasure.

“As you can see, our clones are trained to endure the toughest of battle,” Kwest Mangú, who liked to be called Kue, proudly explained.

The three strode side by side on the ground level in the gigantic assembly room. Lira and Kwest had watched the masked troops in the training fields, in the growth stations, and other facilities on the moon of Shepard 2.

Lira took a hair tie out of her belt pocket and tied her dark brown hair, which reached down to her mid-back, into a pony-tail. Kwest, like always, had his hands in his space suit trousers and was looking around as if he had no idea what was going on. Kue, however, rubbed his hands together, waiting for the opinion of his bosses, also his best friends. Lira and Kwest could see the anticipation in his green eyes. All of them were around twenty to twenty-five standard years old (Lira and Kue being the oldest), but Kue frequently thought of himself as a minor, just because Lira and Kwest were his employers.

“You did well, cousin,” Kwest Omarrin praised, spinning on his boot heels to face Kue.

“Thank you.”

Suddenly something buzzed on Lira’s belt.

“Oh, it’s Cere,” Lira announced pulling out her holopad, a green, hand-sized computer. The large black screen shimmered as it came to life, displaying an image of a handsome, dark-haired young man the same age as the three.

“Lira. Kwest. Hello. We need you back here on Zorrac. To discuss some things, you know. Business,” Cereien Gilm explained.

“We’re on our way, Cere,” Lira replied, shutting off her holopad and clipping it back onto the belt of her plum colored tunic.

“Well looks like we have to go, Kue,” Lira told him.

“Okay. The battalion of troops you’re taking is in Hangar 34. Should I have them follow you out?” Kue asked.

“Yes, thanks,” Kwest answered.

“See ya, Kue. Keep up the good work,” Lira approved, walking with Kwest toward the hangar where their ship was.

“I’ll see you both later!” Kue called, taking out his comlink.

~--~
The S-15 Skycruiser, the Dagger, flew from the rugged moon of Shepard 2 with Eclipse-class Troop Carriers and Lonar Starships carrying a battalion of troops behind. Inside the Dagger Lira Thell-Ellis and Kwest Omarrin received the coordinates of the planet Zorrac from the navcomputer.

“Get ready for the jump to hyperspace,” Kwest reported over the comm to the following starships.

“Roger that,” the other pilots checked in at once.

Heading out into the black void, all six starships jumped into hyperspace.

~--~

The headquarters of Zatship Drive Yards were located on the planet of Zorrac, in the Omega Solar System. The Dagger, along with the five other battle starships, came out of hyperspace with a soundless screech.

“We’re approaching Zorrac,” Lira said.

Kwest gazed at his home planet. The blue twinkle of the massive ocean was reflected into the Zorraci’s eyes. The closer they got, the more he could distinguish the vast islands that had fallen as meteors to Zorrac thousands of years ago.

As the ships approached Zorrac, a red, flashing light on the control panel alerted Kwest and Lira that a transmission was being sent. “This is Zorrac Security, please identify yourselves.”

“This is Zatship presidents Kwest Omarrin and Lira Thell-Ellis. We have just brought some newly built ships with us,” Kwest answered.

“Okay, welcome back Presidents Omarrin and Thell-Ellis,” the communications officer said after a pause.

~--~

The Zatship Drive Yards Headquarters were stationed on the East side of the planet, upon an island named Galaptillos. This flat, enormous area was the design station, factory, and base and training station for the clones.

A variety of buildings were scattered along Galaptillos. They included design, living quarters, factories, bases, stations, garrisons, and warehouses. The main building, which housed the meeting rooms, had the Presidents’ living quarters.


Lira and Kwest had docked and made sure the clones they had brought knew where they were going. After washing up, both of them had met in one of the grand meeting rooms. Sitting down, Kwest admired the artistic side of this room. It was just a gray and white room at first sight, but after coming here many times, Kwest felt at home. Paintings from famous Zorraci artists graced the walls, making the room dance with vivid color.

Before long, the large door slid open and Cereien Gilm and other important Zatship leaders strode in.

“Welcome back, old friends,” Cereien greeted, as he walked towards them. Kwest and Lira rose and walked over to shake Cereien’s hand.

“I trust your business went well with Kue and the army,” Cere said cheerfully.

“Indeed it did,” Lira affirmed.

“We even brought back more clones and security,” Kwest added.

“So I’ve heard.” Cere waited for his employers to take their seats.

After they had, Cere and the others took their seats as well. Two security guards stood on either side of the door. Even though the Dark Empire didn’t know about a rebellion, “security would be nice,” Cere had commented.

“So you said that we need to come back for business,” Kwest started.

“Well I only said ‘business’ because the Imperials could be listening in. What I actually called you back for is to talk about what some of our spies have heard,” Cere explained.

“Okay, shoot,” Lira prompted casually.

“Well, actually that’s why I have brought with me my trusted companion, Elbea-Jorak. You asked me to concoct a spy organization, and she is at the head of it,” Cere explained further, pressing a button on the pad in front of him.
The door slid open and a tall, furry alien stepped in. Elbea-Jorak was a Diocyed. They originate from the planet Darcyed, close to Shepard 2.

“Greetings, Presidents,” Elbea-Jorak addressed. Kwest and Lira were startled to hear that she could speak Basic, because most Diocyeds never learned; only growled in their native tongue. Both concealed their surprise, however.

“Well hello, Elbea-Jorak,” Lira managed.

“Please sit,” Kwest put in.

“Thank you.”

“Elbea-Jorak and her spies have found information vital to us,” Cere said, trying to move the conversation forward.

“Yes. My organization has discovered that in the next few days, the Dark Empire is planning to deploy their droid army to more planets outside the Core. That means Zorrac,” Elbea-Jorak disclosed, tapped a long, sharp claw on the table in front of her, then quickly retracting it.

“I see, so they will detect us,” Kwest deciphered.

“Yes, but they still don’t know about the army and everything. That secret is still kept,” Lira added, putting her elbows on the cold, metal table.

“We thought of that too,” Cere said, “but we have come to the conclusion that they will find out eventually.”

“So what are you saying?” Lira asked.

“We are saying that even though our organization is large we can’t fight them on every planet.” Elbea-Jorak spread one furry paw out wide, as if motioning a great distance.

“We have allies, but they aren’t really anyone we trust,” Lira back up.

“Yes, we need more allies, too,” Kwest agreed.

“We do need more, but the more we get, the easier it is for someone to betray us,” Cere stated.

Lira nodded and looked at Elbea-Jorak, “Did you find anything else?”

“Not much,” Elbea-Jorak conceded, “We do know that the Emperors’ have very heavily guarded Galeon and Asmacore, but that is obvious. If you want to get more allies, you would have to go to the capital, where the politicians and leaders are,”

“That’s quite true,” Kwest said. “We should go.”

“It’s too dangerous and risky!” Cere proclaimed.

“Risk is a part of everyone’s life now. And danger,” Lira pointed out. “Kwest and I should go.”

“Well if you want to,” Cere said, giving up. “I’ll stay here and keep things looking normal.”

“Good. Thank you for the information, Elbea-Jorak,” Kwest continued.

The Diocyed bowed and left. “Anything else?” Lira asked.

“No,” Cere muttered. He looked thoughtful. “But I do have one thing to say.”

“Yes?”

“This isn’t just the rise of a rebellion. It’s the rise of the freedom alliance.”
Last edited by PsychicNinja on Fri Oct 19, 2007 10:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
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PsychicNinja wrote:Especially Kwest, whom the clones were created after.

I found this sentence to be a bit too "to the point". I'd spread it out and make it a little interesting, like "Kwest looked out at the clones, all of whom shared his pointy nose" (assuming of course his nose is pointy). Doing something like that also provides an opportunity to describe Kwest's appearance.

PsychicNinja wrote:Kwest Mangú, who liked to be called Kue

It might not be a good idea having two characters share the same name, even with the nickname (of course, if it comes up later as a major thing, disregard this), as I found it a little confusing reading it through the first time. Even so, I'd recommend introducing this one's nickname in another way, like having one of his friends call him Kue and then explain to the reader that they were using his nick.

PsychicNinja wrote:just because the Lira and Kwest were his bosses.

A typo, I assume? :D

PsychicNinja wrote:The battalion of troops you’re taking is in Hanger 34.

A common mistake, but the place in which planes and such are kept is actually spelled "hangar" as opposed to "hanger". ^^

PsychicNinja wrote:Diocyeds are tall, furry aliens, with long, sharp (and retractable) claws and fangs.

I'd describe the character herself rather than the species, since saying "this species is this and that" makes it seem like an encyclopedia or something.
Just describe her own appearance and the name of her species, people will realise they share a similar appearance.

PsychicNinja wrote:“We do know that the Emperors have very heavily guarded Galeon and Asmacore, but that is obvious. If you want to get more allies, you would have to go to the capital, where the politicians and leaders are,

Just here, "Emperors" doesn't need the apostrophe and the end of the second sentence should have a fullstop. ^^

PsychicNinja wrote:“It’s too dangerous and risky!” Cere proclaimed.

Just my opinion, but dangerous and risky... they're pretty much the same thing, right?


Please remember, everything I've said here (aside from the spelling/grammar stuff) is my own opinion, so if you disagree... no worries! :D

Overall, I liked this. I've only just realised from looking for the original Chapter 1 that this is a fanfic, and it's a very well done one: you've developed your own characters and locations instead of relying on those already present. Thumbs up! ^^

- Mattster

PS: I know I said I'd do the rest today as well... but, how about I do one each night until I've gotten through them all? ^^;
the user formerly known as chibibo




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I think this is good, but what's it based on? And the sentence, "Get ready for hyperspace," would work better with "he adivsed" or something. That's me, but "reported" isn't the right word.

All in all, it has potential.It smacks of Star Wars, but again, I can't place it.
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oh, I forgot to add on the repost.

NOTE: This galaxy has had contact with the Star Wars one.

Oopies... :oops:
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman




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I liked it too.... but really what was it about? Clones?

-Max
We're meant to be one
I know we are...
If I am the Sky
Then you are my star... ™




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well, kristina, youll see....anyway, tim, good ol sis(literally), you did well, overall. good improvement. everyone stay tuned, weve gotten great ideas so far on this series(yes, we)and its great!! :backtotopic: go Almega galaxy! go tim! heheh....til nextime,
Z_



My one true aspiration in life is to make it into the quote gen.
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