How You Break My Heart (Chapter 1)

(Four years old)

I stood on the third stair from the bottom and watched Daddy put things in a bag. Mummy was sitting on the couch, crying, and Daddy seemed very upset. His face was red and he was clutching a glass bottle, sometimes drinking from it.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

Daddy turned to me and put the bottle on the bench. He kneeled in front of me and took my hands, tears appearing in his eyes. He wasn’t wearing a suit like he usually did, but instead he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. His hair was messy and his runners were un-tied.

“I’m sorry Princess,” Daddy smiled and hugged me. “I love you so much, and Rosa too. But I have to go.”

I scrunched up my face. He said that he loved me and Rosa, but he didn’t say Mummy. And he said he had to go. Why did he have to go if he loved us?

“You forgot Mummy,” it must have been a mistake. Of course he loved Mummy. He always said he loved Mummy and Mummy said she loved Daddy. But then why was he going?

Daddy shook his head. “I don’t love Mummy anymore.”

He kissed me on the forehead and left. Mummy burst into tears as the door slammed shut and we heard the car drive off. And just like that, Daddy left.

Rosa came in a little while after Daddy left, the mail in her hands. Mummy was cooking dinner and I was coloring.

“Has he gone?” she asked, dumping the mail on the clean table and sitting down, putting her disc man on. She sat there, sorting through the letters one by one. “Bill, bill, bill. Ah, here’s a good one! A cheque- from Dad.”

Mummy looked up. “Open it.”

Rosa opened the letter and handed the cheque to Mummy, more interested in the letter enclosed. I looked at the envelope. There was no address, the way mummy taught me to put on letters.

“It’s for us, Josie,” Rosa said, sitting up straight and turning her disc man off. “He must have put it in the letter box on his way out. Dear Princesses, I’m sorry I have to. I’m truly sorry. In fact, you have no idea how sorry I am. Sweet little Josie, you’re only four, so I don’t expect you to understand what I’m doing or why. Just know that I love you more than anyone else could, and I would give you the earth and the sky if I could. I hope you forgive me for this- I don’t want to hurt you. Hurting you is the last thing I would ever want to do. Rosa. I don’t know what to say. You’re a stubborn little thing, so I don’t expect you to forgive me for leaving. I wish I didn’t have to do, but you would know that I couldn’t stay at home. You’re 14, please look after your mother and sister for me. I really hope you can forgive me. I love you two more than anything in the world. Your loving father, Dad.”

Rosa threw the letter on the table. She looked angry.

“How could he do that to us?” she exclaimed. “And then write all that crap? He doesn’t care about us at all!”

“Shh, Rosa,” Mummy said kindly. “You’re frightening Jose.”

Mummy put her soft arms around me and stroked my cheek with a comforting finger. I was crying, bawling, in fact. Mummy was upset, but she smiled at me and took the letter away. Rosa shook her head and stood up, walking over to the kitchen and leaning against the bench. I could see that she was holding back tears.

Mummy pulled me onto her lap and stroked my long brown hair, making little plaits in it. I snuggled against her green jumper and closed my eyes.

“Mummy, where did Daddy go?” I asked. “Why did he write us a letter?”

Mummy shook her head and patted my olive-skinned hand. “It doesn’t matter Josie.”

Rosa turned around. She looked scary, her teeth gritted and eyes bulging.

“What do you mean, it doesn’t matter?” she shouted. “Don’t cover up the truth for her. Josie, Dad doesn’t love us anymore. He’s going to be with the slut! And he’s never coming back. You might as well just forget about him.”

Mummy tightened her grip on me and glared at Rosa.

“It’s not true Josie. Daddy loves you, but we’ve been fighting a lot. He’ll come back soon. Don’t put thoughts like that into her head, Rosa.”

My older sister snatched the letter from mum and stormed up the stairs. Mummy waited until her door had slammed shut, then burst into howling tears. Her grip on me loosened, and I slipped out of her arms and walked up the stairs. I stood in front of Rosa’s door for a long time, to scared to knock. I could hear her screaming, and crying and throwing things all around. When she finally stopped and I heard the bed sink a little, I worked up the courage to knock.

Rosa swung open the door and hugged me tightly. We stood there for minutes, just crying into each others shoulders. Finally, Rosa pulled away and wiped tears away from my face with her thumb, pushing her dark brown hair behind her ear at the same time.

“I’m sorry I said those things before,” she whispered softly. “Of course Daddy loves us. Especially you Josie, he really loves you.”

I nodded slowly. “So why did you say those things? When’s Daddy getting back?”

Rosa sunk to her knees and shook her head slowly.

“Jose, Daddy’s not coming back. Not ever.”

I opened my mouth, confused. Mummy said he was going to come back. Why would Mummy lie to me? Rosa put her index finger up to my lips and shushed me. I nodded and walked down the stairs again. Mummy was getting up and cooking again.

“How’s Rosa, darling?” she asked me.

“I’m fine.” We turned around. Rosa was walking down the stairs. She gave mummy a small smile. “Sorry about what I said before. It was out of order.”

Mummy sighed and brought the bowls out of the table. We all ate, trying to avoid looking at Daddy’s old seat. I still didn’t understand what was going on, but I didn’t think Daddy was going to come back.

Okay I saw one error constantly niggling you forgot a capital in Daddy so much.

(Four years)

I stood on the third stair from the bottom and watched daddy put things in a bag. Mummy was sitting on the couch, crying, and daddy seemed very upset. His face was red and he was clutching a glass bottle, sometimes drinking from it.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

Daddy turned to me and put the bottle on the bench. He kneeled in front of me and took my hands, tears appearing in his eyes. He wasn’t wearing a suit like he usually did, but instead he was wearing jeans and a t-shirt. His hair was messy and his runners were un-tied.

“I’m sorry Princess,” daddy smiled and hugged me. “I love you so much, and Rosa too. But I have to go.”

I scrunched up my face. He said that he loved me and Rosa, but he didn’t say mummy. And he said he had to go. Why did he have to go if he loved us?

“You forgot mummy,” it must have been a mistake. Of course he loved mummy. He always said he loved mummy and mummy said she loved daddy. But then why was he going?

Daddy shook his head. “I don’t love mummy anymore.”

He kissed me on the forehead and left. Mummy burst into tears as the door slammed shut and we heard the car drove off. And just like that, daddy left.

You know if affect you're trying to get here was trasition then it was done badly, I was like one minute he's left next he's sending letters from god knows where. Come on it's not clear enough.

I'm sorry I'm so harsh but trasition thing really bothered me. Just work on that and rememeber since Daddy a name give it a capital hope this helps =).

I agree with Sigfried about the transition. The first half of the story interested me, the second half didn't. At all. Try again?

Thanks for the crits. I made some changes.

Hehe brings back memories...
I like it, although the first half was better.
And how did they get a letter if he only left like ten minutes ago? that bit confused me.

I liked your idea of the father leaving and the way that Rosa reacted.

First off, general stuff:

(Four years)

This isn't really clear enough. Try taking out the brackets and just writing 'Four Years Old'.

He kissed me on the forehead and left. Mummy burst into tears as the door slammed shut and we heard the car drove off. And just like that, Raddy left.

Should be drive instead drove and Daddy instead of Raddy.

"It's for us Josie,"

Comma after us.

Dear princess

The letter is addressed to both Rosa and Josie. Try to start it off differently then. For example: To my dear princesses.

I snuggled against her green jumper and closed my green eyes.

Repetition of green.

"I'm fine Mum," we turned.

Should be: "I'm fine." We turned around.

Comments:
I can see that you're trying to write from the perspective of a four year old, but it's not allowing your writing to flow as well as it should. It's a hard thing to do and I think you're better off writing from an older perspective, just remembering what happened. Especially if later on in the story you move away from being four years old.

Keep up your writing Choc and I look forward to reading more.

Alainna
xxxx

I don't care. I'm pretty drunk right now, but that's not of relevance. Look: Whenever people write characters that are little kids, five years old, four years old, they always narrate like they're retards. "It didn't have an address on it, like mommy told me to put." I mean, look, kids think their parents are Gods and that everything they say must be true, but that doesn't mean that they look at every little detail around them, and then wonder if that's how their mommy told them it would look like. And when your father says he loves you and your sister, that doesn't mean he forgot mommy. It means it's overstated, or at least, that's what a kid thinks. And don't tell me: hey, this is my story, man! I remember this! Because you don't. But whatever. It's written OK, I guess, but the plot doesn't really interest me, and it should, yeah, because it's heartbreaking when parents split, but you don't make me care.

I'm drunk.

Ignore this. Keep writing!

I agree that the characterizations of Rosa and Josie don't seem realistic. The only thing that is convincing the reader that they're little children is that they address their parents as "Mummy" and "Daddy." I suggest that you should read Frank McCourt's "Angela's Ashes." This is McCourt's Pulitzer Prize-winning memoir about him when he was a kid, and you can borrow some of his techniques. In fact, everyone who hasn't read it, should.

Hey! Thanks for submitting this chapter!

I found it really interesting. It was. It kept my interest all the way through until the end. I really liked it.

Like the others up there have said, the transaction was just a little jerky. Maybe you should put a

______________

Through the two lines, so we know that it happened later?

I don't know.

Know, there are a couple things that I'd like to compliment you on and complain about today!

Compliments:

Your storyline is very cool, I have to admit. I have always liked stories where parents leave. It is interesting to see it through children's eyes.

Your family was very origanal, I think. Especially the daughters. I really want to find out what is going to happen between this poor family.

Complaints

Jose seems much too old to be 4. I would suggest that you make her feel a little more innocent. I dont' know how to explain it... Make it seem like we are four years old. We need to read the book in the eyes of a little girl. We wouldn't understand what is going on. We wouldn't realize that the letter didn't have an adress on it. Four year olds aren't very observant.

All in all, this was really good, and I'm off to read the next chapter!

Keep writing!

BBB

So, I liked the idea of the story but i think it should be in third person point of view not first, or leave it in first just change it so that Josie is a little older. Like make it in flashback form, so she is just looking back on it. This was my first post so, I hope I helped Even if it was only a little bit. I like the names too! Very unique!

Hey.

He kissed me on the forehead and left. Mummy burst into tears as the door slammed shut and we heard the car drive off. And just like that, Daddy left.

I think you should say something like this instead:
He kissed me on the forehead and left. Mummy burst into tears as the door slammed shut and we heard the car drive off. And just like that, Daddy was gone.
You mentioned Daddy left already so you should switch it up a bit.

Mummy pulled me onto her lap and stroked my long brown hair,

You already mentioned that she was stroking her cheek, maybe you could switch the words up a bit try looking it up in the thesaurus... Maybe, caressed or patted.

just crying into each others shoulders.

trying to avoid looking at Daddy’s old seat.

Maybe you could describe this?


I really like this, its very interesting. I like how you write in the perspective of a four year old. I would say add some more description, but that might be hard because even know when you are describing the small things to us it seems as is Josie is a supper smart kid.
I look forwards to reading more

Keep Going,
Gwen
How would a four year old be able to reach a 14 year olds shoulders? Maybe you could mention Rosa bending down or picking Josie up.

I have to agree with Gwenevire about switching up the way you use words describing an event. However, the story line was good. Also, I kinda got confused with the timing between when the father leaves to the oldest daughter walking in with the mail and the mother is cooking. Because I kinda thought that it was night time and the dad was leaving and the little four year old was coming from her bedroom or something listening in on her parents conversation. But what I'm trying to say is make that transition more clear. But all and all this is a really good story line. I enjoyed reading and hope to see more of your work.

*waves* Hey Choco! ¿Que pasa? =D

Yay! You have five chapters of this up. First place in the Instructors Critique Contest, here I come. =P

I stood on the third stair from the bottom and watched daddy put things in a bag.

Daddy would be a proper noun, thereby meriting a capital D.

You forget that again a bit later on.

I wish I didn’t have to do,

The "do" doesn't seem necessary.

“You’re frightening Jose.”

Typo! Josie*

*reads on* Oh, I get it. Not a typo. Nickname. xD

Hmm. This may or may not end up being cliched, depending on where you go from here. I shall suspend my final verdict until further notice. ^^

*scurries off to read other chapters*

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

Hmmmm i thought this was pretty boaring. I don't think you really need to drag on and on. After ahwile i kinda lost interest. Whats up with the Mummy thing? Does this take place in england or something? Overall the topic was something many people could relate to, but kinda chezzy, does the world really need more of these sappy stories?

Choco, I thought this was great! It was very interesting, and it left me wanting to know what happens to the family next. Yes, there are a few things that need a bit of a tweak, but everyone else has already covered all of that. I will definitely read on, and you should definitely keep writing!

WG94