This was nice- if rather short. A tad predictable but it worked well.
Grandma whispers, loudly, trying not to be heard.
It just doesn't make sense. If this is an attempt at an oxymoron I understand why it's there but it still doesn't work. Just get rid of loudly.
Mama and Dad don't like that idea.
They don't like the idea of a purple coat? Could you maybe expand on this? Even if this does entail a bit of rambling that's OK as most eleven-year-old's love a good, long story!
Overall a good piece. It could probably be better if it was longer and had some more description and detail in it. Such as the bit with the window because that worked well.
I think this was too predictable. From the first sentence, when she was waiting for her parents to come back, I knew what was going to happen. Maybe you could focus on the fun (or lack there of) she's having at grandma's, so it will be more of a surprise when suddenly her parents die.
Also, the purple coat in the trunk bit was predictable as well. I'm not even sure on how to fix that. Just be aware of it if you ever decide to do a rewrite.
Overall, it was fairly well written. Work on a few things that will develop they story better, and it could be really good.
=)
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
-Michael Pritchard
I wondered why we put villains in our stories when we have plenty of them in real life; then I realized that maybe we wanted stories where the good guy wins. — nogutsnoglory
