Tomatoism Spain’s New National Religion
MADRID, SPAIN—After years of dilemmas with the country’s national religion, Catholicism, His Majesty Juan Carlos I has decided to change Spain’s national religion to Tomatoism. All Catholics would be banished, or otherwise converted into Tomatoists, in a reenactment of the Spanish Inquisition.
“He had all the right to change our religion to Tomatoism,” said José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, Prime Minister and Head of Government. “After so many criticisms and attacks at our faith, it’s good that now the only thing the fingers can point at is a tomato.”
Tomatoism is the religion invented all throughout last year by Carlos. It follows three principles: one, that the tomato is the holiest object on the face of the planet; two, that tomato juice could be a substitute for water; and three, that human beings are like tomatoes. The latter is the most disputed. When asked by our reporters, the king answered: “The Tomato’s skin is the outer thoughts of a human beings, his actions and faults, something that could be easily peeled off and easy to swallow. The inside is watery and slimy, like all the deep feeling a human can experience.”
There will be no more Christmas or Easter in Spain: from now on, the most holy holiday will be on the last Wednesday of August. The Tomatina festival, where thousands of tourists flock to each year and run around naked around the streets of Buñol throwing millions of tomatoes at each other, will be the main event that Spaniards will be looking forward to throughout the entire year.
The official house of religion will be called a Tomatiti, where congergants will come together and pray on their knees to the all-mighty god, Mr. Tomato, in Spanish Sr. Tomato, or in the official langauge of Tomatoism, Tomatoish, Papa Pepperoni. The most important prayer of the day is every 11:00 AM, when the Tomatoists articulate the three most important words in the religion: “IT’S NOT TOMAHTO!”
We questioned some of the locals about the new decision. “In my view, Tomatoism is a great way to start a new peace era, especially since more and more people are disgusted by these ancient religions and decide to create an entire clan of Tomatoists”, said Estela Juliano, an ex-Catholic resident in Madrid. “We should have thought this up years ago!”
However, not everyone likes the new religion. Daniel Martin of Barcelona said, “It’s not surprising that the US would choose a new religion…but so disappointing! And outrageous! This is worse than anything that ever happened there. It’s even worse than Bush! I thought there was a freedom of religion in that country.” When reminded by our reporters that the country with the modern Inquisition is Spain, he was dumbfounded. A few hours later he leaped off the Cathedral of Barcelona. The Pope expressed the same anger and shock, but did not go to such measures. Instead of killing himself, he excommunicated the Spanish king and the Spanish people.
Tomatoism will be put into effect throughout the country on January 2, 2008.
