A Moment With-in-Sight

This was going to be called a moment without sight but then I had one of those brief moments of inspiration and changed it. Perhaps you'll understand why if you read the following story...

A Moment With-in-Sight

The story that I'm about to tell takes place some time after my tenth birthday but certainly before my sixteenth. If I were to estimate a more exact time, I'd say that it was during the summer of the year 2004 at which point our main character, myself, was fourteen years old. I think we were on holiday at the time, in some far off exotic place like Spain. Or perhaps it was just another family day out. Either way, the country is irrelevant as is most often the case. We were visiting one of those huge houses that have been converted into museums. You know, the old, dusty type.

We explored the grounds first, walking past pleasant green lawns with lush, thick blades that wavered back and forth in the gentle breeze. Scattered between these in neat, little flower beds were many flowers of different shape and size. To ask me to name specific types would really be testing my memory. There was a water feature though: the usual fountain that poured waves of liquid into the awaiting pool of H2O where it would form ripples and the two substances would merge. Of course, watching water react with water isn't too interesting and this story's event happened inside the manor house.

It was a large building, as they often are, complete with great architecture. The rooms were spacious and filled with ornate, old fashioned furniture. I'm not sure what time it was but part way through our tour, I began to feel ill. At first it was just a slight headache but then my ears started to hurt and I could barely hear the words that trickled from the guide's mouth. 'It's okay,' I told myself, 'It's nothing. It's just the heat.' And I'm a sensible person so I accepted my sensible explanation and decided to rest against the wall. A few minutes later I felt fine. The headache subsided and the guide's voice was audible again.

'Now, if you'll just follow me to the cellar,' The guide led the way down some old, stone steps and into a dim, cramped, dusty room. There were very few interesting items there but the guide insisted on explaining what used to be in this cellar. Suddenly, I began to feel dizzy and I lost my hearing completely. I tugged gently on my mother's arm, trying to remain calm.

'I'm not feeling too well,' I whispered but I could not hear my own words so I repeated them a little louder and moved my lips carefully, exaggerating each vowel as if to reassure myself that I could still speak. Still no sound reached my ears but then, 'if I can't hear others, it makes sense that I wont hear myself.' Calmed by this thought, I looked to my mother to see if she had understood but the harder I tried to concentrate on her face, the more blurred it became until I could see nothing. 'I'm going blind!' I panicked. 'Oh no, please don't let me go blind. Please don't let me lose my sight,' and in that moment, just before I fainted, I received my tiny insight into the life of a blind girl. I have never been so scared in my life and neither have I fainted since, or before, this incident.

I will never forget what I experienced that day and I am forever grateful for the wonders of sight and sound.

I began to [s]fill[/s] feel ill.

'It's okay,' I told myself, 'It's nothing. It's just the heat.'

“I'm not feeling too well,”

I don't like the use of double quotes. XD I see now you are using single for thought, double for speech, but it still bothers me. Knowing you're from England I expected the single quotes, then to find a double just made me cringe a little--it doesn't work, you know? I think you could use all the same types of quotes, and the reader would understand the difference.

'Oh no, please don't let me go blind. Please don't let me lose my sight,' and in that moment, just before I fainted

I really liked this, because it shows you have a great ability to describe settings and really put the reader into them--you've been hiding your talent, haven't you? But some things I really disliked. I don't like how, at the beginning, you spoke of the story within the story--stepping out of it and speaking right to the reader. This works in some cases, but for something like this where you would benefit to place the reader into the story and leave it as that, it just doesn't work.

'I'm going blind!' I panicked. 'Oh no, please don't let me go blind. Please don't let me lose my sight' and in that moment, just before I fainted, I received my tiny insight into the life of a blind girl.

I almost hate to say it because I know the rest of your story was good, but this was very melodramatic. The dialog doesn't seem real--and it very well might have been real but it doesn't seem it so as a reader I can't think much of it.

I have never been so scared in my life and neither have I fainted since, or before, this incident.

I will never forget what I experienced that day and I am forever grateful for the wonders of sight and sound.

I don't like the telling in this section. Again you are stepping out of the story, so it seems like an essay rather than a story--with introduction and closing. Now, perhaps it is an essay...? But you have writing skills, don't crush the beauty of the story for an essay. =) Write it like you would a story, cut out the telling and the wrap ups. I kind of hate comparing something I've done to other peoples because then I feel vain or something, but when I wrote Don't Panic (I think you've read that?) I had no wrap up or intro, I just wrote it like you would a story, but even so it was a true story, but for the lack of intro/exit, the reader felt more apart of it and it succeeded in making them feel with me/the narrator.


Really, you are a good writer and I'm surprised I didn't know so before. I would like to see more by you. The only other thing I can complain about is how the writing feels distant, character-wise, and that because of it's length your narrator isn't real developed, so when she gets scared, I can't be real scared with her. When you describe what she is feeling, I can feel with her of course, but then when you say, "I was so scared..." I cannot relate to that, not only because of the telling but because of the character. Though, I've basically already noted that. I thought I would just point it out from another direction.

Grand job, Heather!

Thanks so much Claudette! I've fixed the typos and I'm looking into doing a re-write without the 'story within the story' technique. I'm not even sure why I wrote it like that but looking back, I can see that you're right, it really doesn't work. And you think I'm a good writer? That means a lot to me =)

This was an interesting piece, and, as always, your description was great. I loved the dialogue, it really brought the piece to life. Paragraphs four and five were great.
I'm not sure about the last line, I'm not sure why, maybe because it made me think of a piece which would be written for school.
I think I'd like to see a little more description of teh moment in which you thought you were going blind.
Overall, this was well-written as usual, and a pleasure to read.

I know how this person feels. One time when i woke up i could'nt see anything. I started to panic as i thought of all the things i would miss seeing, and well i started to cry and as i reached to whipe my tears i felt my blind fold thingy. I remembered that i put it on cause it was too bright for me to sleep. This was a dumb blond momment.
Well what i have to say about your story. I liked it. You never really see how much you love something except when you're about to loose it.
I give it a 4/5! Nice job

I enjoyed this piece; I think you did a fantastic job of bringing out that scary feeling described here.

Flow. I think your main problem is that the writing is a little stiff. It doesn't flow well, if you know what I mean. The sentences seem to be self-contained and very flat. My suggestion would be to read it aloud and try to make it seem more like natural speech, which flows much better. This will help your piece a lot; not only will it flow better, the narrator will be much more appealing to your reader.

Diction.

You know, the old, dusty type.

I think the preceding sentence makes this a little redundant.

We explored the grounds first, walking past pleasant green lawns with lush, thick blades that wavered back and forth in the gentle breeze.

Pleasant, lush, and gentle are all words that are overused when describing lawns, grass, and wind. You'd be better off without them.

There was a water feature though: the usual fountain that poured waves of liquid into the awaiting pool of H2O where it would form ripples and the two substances would merge.

H2O seems dreadfully out of place. I think it's okay to say "water" twice in the same sentence here, or maybe just rephrase:
"There was a fountain that proued waves of liquid into the awaiting pool of H2O..."

The guide led the way down some old, stone steps and into a dim, cramped, dusty room.

Too many adjectives! Five, in fact. Cut it down to one or two.

Moral.

I will never forget what I experienced that day and I am forever grateful for the wonders of sight and sound.

This made me twitch a bit. It's generally a bad idea to put the "moral of the story" at the end in this sentence all by itself. Urghums. Your story would benefit from its removal.

-Colly

Thank you Maki-Chan, that's vry encouraging.

And thank you very much Colly, I'm very grateful that you took the time to look at this and I haven't done the re-write yet so I'll consider your comments closely when I do. Remember, I still owe you a critique for answering those unanswered posts.