Baa Baa Black Sheep

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I wrote this for English for my personal response I'm quite proud of it. I kinda feel the ending may be too anti-climatic. Anyway it's a horror enjoy.


The dark crimson curtains parted slowly promoting an ovation of clamouring hands applauding. This lasted for a few seconds then the clapping subsided and the audience just stared.

The face of Claire Burton stared back suspended in the air by a long rope wound tightly around her neck, making her skull almost vomit her eyes out, her face tinted a pale watery colour blue. Her expression vacant and dead. A slight breeze blowing her violet dress around her ankles. A high heel hanging loosely from her left foot. Her beautiful volcanic-magma-waterfall of hair untidy and covering most of her face.

The silence was dreadful no one uttered a word no child spoke and no baby cried. All just gawped with a mixture of confusion, terror, morbid fascination. To many it felt like time had stopped that if they moved at all it would break the spell of this horrible stricken calmness.

Over a thousand people were saying nothing and just staring some with tears appearing in their eyes others with expression like they’d just been slapped.

Behind the stage the Manager was now deciding to act, he was a middle-aged man very lean, glasses propped on his nose, dazzling sea blue eyes and a mat of brown hair combed over a bald spot in the middle of his head. He crept up the long ladders. His treads falling heavily on the metal with a loud terrible “Clunk, Clunk…”

He creased his brow in concentration and clambered up the rungs gingerly. No one was speaking still. The only sounds were him climbing up.

When he reached the top of his ascent at last, he saw the rope holding her snaked around one of the wooden beams. Bending down until he was on knees, he slowly tugged Claire frail waif-like form up. Her shoe fell creating a loud thud on the stage drawing the silence away.

A cry of terror rang out through the auditorium and through these cries of panic could be heard,
“What happened?”
“Who did it?”
“Did she do it?”
“Why did she do it?”
“What’s going on?”
“Where is the person responsible?”

The manager tried to ignore them all as these questions flitted from mouth to mouth in a matter of seconds.

The question he heard continually was, “Who could hurt the golden angel of the West End?”

Hair like a fiery cascading waterfall. A voice like a thousand harmonious angels. This would have been her first night performing live to a TV audience. She had been already big in her home town of Hitchin a Hertfordshire Market town. Now she’d never get the chance of being bigger.

The Manager once he’d pulled her up he drew out his walkie-talkie and rang up the Janitor,

“Hello…Keith, we’ve got a problem… call the police, Claire Burton was found hanging.”
The Janitor gasped in surprise, “Sir… I will… who could do this?”
“I’ve no idea Keith, but problem is over a thousand people saw her hanging.”
Keith gasped again, “Sir, is there a chance of theatre being closed for this?”
The Manager was struck dumb; if the theatre closed, over seven hundred people would be unemployed. All the coming shows would be cancelled and it’s possible the theatre would be taken to court. After a long silence Keith spoke,
“Sir… you still there?”
“Yes… and I’m afraid I don’t know; I just don’t know Keith…”
The manager replaced the walkie-talkie back on to his belt.

Keith had spoken the truth and the manager just hadn’t even began to think of threat of the theatre being closed.

He picked her body up slowly, when a note falling from her dress caught his eye, a small ragged sheet of paper, handwritten. It was a post-it note. The manager picked up the note and read,

Baa, baa dead sheep have you any skills?
Yes sir, yes sir three bodies full
One for the manager,
And one for the theatre
And one for the singing of a dead angel.

The manager read a few times when his ears caught the haunting melody he looked around to see all the people had left. The music was familiar and reminded him of his child hood.

As the music continued to play, he realized it was “Baa, Baa Black Sheep” Though as he listened it was reminding him less of his child hood he was beginning to feel a sinister sensation coming from it.

The music halted as soon as it began and the manager was left breathing laboriously feeling as if he had run a marathon. His heart pounding against his rib cage. He was sure that this wasn’t the last he’d hear of this situation.

From what he knew of Claire, she wouldn’t have advertised her death in such a way. He’s positive she wouldn’t have hung herself. The girl suffered from such low self-esteem, yes, but she’d chosen a less obvious, in your face death.
Whatever happened it all came back to the theatre, this theatre had a reputation. It was one of the finest establishments in the West End. It had already begun a prosperous year collecting an estimated £99,000. Was all this for nothing?

If it looked like a suicide and no one else had seen the note. Was one accident worth closing the theatre and missing the biggest year yet for money? The outtake estimated for this year alone would be the largest ever. That would really help this theatre repairs wise etc… Many people would keep there jobs was one person so worth it closing the theatre for?

Ha growled angrily, muttering, “One person” ripping the note to tiny shreds and throwing them away.


The police came next day to find another body; it was the old manager with a money clip
stuffed halfway through his mouth and a tape recording repeating same term in the same angry tone, “Money! Money! Money! Always comes down to money don’t it!”

********

He was found in the auditorium and cause of death was a broken neck, his glasses lay smashed by him. The police spoke to the manager next of kin and the decision was made to close the theatre. Claire Burton parents took the theatre to court suing for over £70,000, bankrupting the theatre. All over the news, the manager was held responsible and people theorized that he’d off’ed himself because of guilt. As he couldn’t defend himself the manager was held responsible for Claire death. Three weeks after the theatre was demolished and the crew who were commissioned the demolition noticed one man continually through the preceding smiling as the building fell. After they’d demolished the building the man walked away whistling “Baa, Baa Black sheep.”
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]




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Grammatical errors abound. Broken sentences, run on sentences, and so on. I can't be very helpful, because you didn't hold my attention long enough for me to finish it. It started off promisingly enough, but then you got into dull things like conversations and names.

if you wrote it for English, your teacher will tell you how to change the grammar.

It's funny, because ths is very disturbing, in theory, and that is what I like. But somewhere, you fell short, and didn't satisfy. Focus more on the girl than the politics. Your reader has seen this before so even though the beautiful element of potential disturbance is there, you're going to have to do it better. We get bored too easily. Give me a reason to care--I want to care. And please let me know if you revise this, I'll look at it again.


Misty
Last edited by Misty on Tue Sep 04, 2007 1:27 am, edited 1 time in total.




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This was a really good idea, however some of the errors weighed it down and I read it with less excitement than when I started.

*My suggestions are in bold.

The dark crimson curtains parted slowly promoting an ovation of clamouring hands, all of them applauding. This lasted for a few seconds then the clapping subsided and the audience just stared.


The face of Claire Burton stared back, suspended in the air by a long rope wound tightly around her neck, making her skull almost vomit her eyes out, her face tinted a pale watery colour blue. Her expression vacant [s]and dead[/s](I think we can gather that she's dead- we don't need to be told.) . A slight breeze [s]blowing[/s] blew her violet dress around her ankles. A high heel hanging loosely from her left foot. [s]Her beautiful volcanic-magma-waterfall of hair untidy and covering most of her face[/s]. (To much info. I think it's more creepy if it's left with the high heel.)


The silence was dreadful; no one uttered a word ,no child spoke and no baby cried. All just gawped with a mixture of confusion, terror[s],[/s] and morbid fascination. To many it felt like time had stopped and that if they moved at all it would break the spell of this horrible stricken calmness.


Behind the stage the Manager was now deciding to act. He was a middle-aged man, very lean, glasses propped on his nose, dazzling sea blue eyes and a mat of brown hair combed over a bald spot in the middle of his head. He crept up the long ladders. His treads falling heavily on the metal with a loud terrible "Clunk, Clunk"


Bending down until he was on knees, he slowly tugged Claire's frail waif-like form up.


The manager read it a few times when his ears caught the haunting melody he looked around to see all the people had left. The music was familiar and reminded him of his child hood.


Though as he listened it was reminding him less of his child hood and more of a horror film (or something to that affect...) He was beginning to feel a sinister sensation coming from it.


His heart [s]pounding[/s] pounded against his rib cage


If it looked like a suicide and no one else had seen the note.
Doesn't make sense...

The police came next day to find another body; it was the old manager with a money clip stuffed halfway through his mouth and a tape recording repeating the same term in the same angry tone, “Money! Money! Money! Always comes down to money don’t it!”
Sentence is running on!

He was found in the auditorium and the cause of death was a broken neck, his glasses lay smashed by him.
Too much info in one sentence. maybe put the glasses bit in the beginning of the sentence?

was held responsible for Claire's death.


A good idea and story. Just try not to info dump and maybe shorten your sentences. Especially since it's a horror. It needs that suspense that short sentences create.
This piece would even work well without any dialouge.

All the best,
Alainna
xxx
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The dark crimson curtains parted slowly promoting an ovation of clamouring hands applauding.


maybe something more like “slowly prompting a clamouring ovation of applauding”

volcanic-magma-waterfall


“volcanic” and “magma” makes me think redhead – but then “waterfall” makes me think blue. Maybe rephrasing it so its more like “a waterfall of valcanic, magma coloured hair”

The silence was dreadful no one uttered a word no child spoke and no baby cried.


Add full stops where appropriate. Or at least commas.

All just gawped with a mixture of confusion, terror, morbid fascination


“confusion, terror AND morbid fascination” would be better.

To many it felt like time had stopped that if they moved at all it would break the spell of this horrible stricken calmness


see, this is what I don’t like about your writing. I hate to be so blunt like this but writing had rules! Sure, you can be quite free depending on how clever you are. But full stops and commas exist! Please acknowledge this! And USE then!!! “To many it felt like time had stopped(FULL STOP) that if they moved at all it would break the spell of this horrible stricken calmness”

Over a thousand people were saying nothing and just staring some with tears appearing in their eyes others with expression like they’d just been slapped.


by this time, I’d expect people to be screaming.

Behind the stage the Manager was now deciding to act,


there’s only so long shock can last! Let’s say a few seconds. Maybe about ten even! But no more. After then, I’d imagine complete panic! This is going very slow for something as horrific as this.

I’m far too tired to complete such a momentous editing task at the moment. If you have any questions, PM me or catch me on MSN.
if at 1st you don't succeed, eat the leaf of a sicamore tree and stand naked in a barrel of newt eyes with a frog in your mouth!




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Your imagery is good however your grammatical and punctuation errors really weigh your piece down. It may help for you to read your piece out loud to yourself to be able to pinpoint what needs changing.
Also I feel this piece ends too quickly. You're building up to a big climax with the note, but then all of a sudden the piece ends and we're not quite sure what's happened. You need to give the ending more justice - work on it more, give it some more details. An identity of the killer may also help by establishing motive etc.
But love the idea - this piece has a lot of potential!




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As I've said this is for english I couldn't write more, I had to rush it to an ending. The problem was the idea had too much potential and I wasn't allowed to write a novel lmao. I've ran out of time with it now, all I'm allowed to do is edit mistakes. So thanks everyone I'll work on grammar and puncuation.
We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]




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The start of this piece had got my attention. However, about half way through, you lost the purpose of the piece and it fell from there. Firstly, you info dumped consistantly which bored me and greatly weakens the suspense of the piece. Secondly, you focused so much on the actual crime that was commited that you lacked emotion and personality of your main character, the person we should be caring about. Thirdly, grammatical and syntax errors had plagued the piece making it hard to read at times.

However, you are very good in your descriptions and the style of writing worked quite well for this piece.

To summarize, this piece does not command the attention of the reader, it is not memorable because the piece lacked emotion itself. Show what happens in the story, don't tell. It will make the story more suspenseful.
"To the edge of the universe and back. Endure and survive."




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I have to agree with what everyone above said. The story itself is promising especially the beginning but the grammatical errors ruined it. Also, I think that somewhere in the story, the pacing became too fast in the sense that it feels as if you're jumping scenes. I also didn't find the middle to last part horrifying, it just left me hanging. I understand you stand though.. I also have to force my stories into 3 pages with the font arial 12, the whole text double spaced. It's really hard to fit the essence of the story in such a limited space. I think you have great potential when it comes to descriptions! Good luck with your works! I hope that I can read more! ;D




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Heehee I might sound very redundant with almost the same comments, but still I'd like to say that your story really sounds promising and I like your concept. Your title also is very interesting and when you said horror, I immediately started reading but as the story progressed, I feel like you weren't able to continue the initial excitement. I felt it a bit dragging especially after the receiving the letter with the notes Baa baa dead sheep. Your story sounds rushed and the ending didn't do it justice. But I really liked your beginning part. Hahha this also made me smile: volcanic-magma-waterfall, I've never heard anyone describe something like that before! hehe. Well I think that you have potential so keep on writing! =) Improve a bit on plot and ending =)
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