Compared

I know the rhyme is screwed up every other stanza and in the last stanza. I meant to do that!!!!!

Compared

Perfect girl, perfect smile
Everything I could never be
She is who she is
But I’m just me

She is perfect in every way
And I am normal, average, everyday
I hate being compared to her
Because I’m always a loser

She is president of every club
I’ve never been secretary
She gets straight A’s and perfect scores
I struggle to get a B

She is perfect in every way
And I am normal, average, everyday
I hate being compared to her
Because I’m always a loser

I’ve got hopes, I’ve got dreams
She’s got everything
I’ve got a chance
But she’s got the whole world in her hands

She is perfect in every way
And I am normal, average, everyday
I hate being compared to her
Because I’m always a loser

I won’t be compared to her
No more being a loser
Today is my day
I’m living my life my way

The problem with the rhyme isn't a big deal (that lines skip) it's the fact that the rhythm is more or less non existent, and the rhyming is overly simplistic. Rhyming shouldn't determine what your lines are, the meaning of the lines should be more important than your rhyming.

Another problem with this is your lack of punctuation, so you might want to add some punctuation.

For me this was just too simple and plan. You're just comparing yourself to this other girl, and it's real navel gazing-ish. Do I care about you or the girl? Of course, I care of you as a person =) but in reference to the poem, no, I don't. Because I can't relate to you. All you do is tell about you versus this girl. You don't show us anything. We don't know how it makes you feel, or what those feelings make you feel like, and all of that. We cannot relate, and agree, and have sympathy, and feel with you, and poetry needs to have some affect on the reader, or at least, really good poetry has an affect on the reader.

Suggestions? Read more poetry. This article might help you: Emotional Poetry. Snoink has a list of really good first person poems somewhere, which might help you figure out how to write this in a better way.

Keep trying! I know I bash things, and am never happy, but really, poetry is just hard to write! It takes a long time and a lot of work. Best of luck!

I agree on the over simplistic. It's just touching the surface. Find some emotion and delve deeper, eh?

Firstly I'd like to point out that you have this recurring rhyme of "anyway/(just)way" and "day", even out of the chorus. (It would be nice if you put in the chorus markings, BTW, it would stop us from reading the same stanza over again)

Bouncing back to the previous review, your rhythm is...shot to...errr, yeah... and I think that's the base flaw here. As this is a set of lyrics, I think this could be mended by some ". . ."s here and there.
Like this:
"She is who she is
But I’m just. . .me " which would indicate a break for a guitar chord or a drumbeat or something. >_>

(Can you tell I'm a novice at reviewing lyrics?)

Other than that:

The rhyming...is like...how a first-grader goes, "hat rhymes with cat, and cat rhymes with bat, and bat rhymes with rat..." in the sense that your rhymes are controlling the poetry rather than the actual feelings you are releasing and overly-simplified.

Oh, believe me here, we all had this problem. I think it's how a lot of people start out...but since I've started writing free-verse the problem basically dissolved into thin air. X)

And...it's navel-gazing and angst! Two no-nos, especially when writing poetry! :*wags finger*:

To alleviate this I think it would be good if you describe watching her from a lonely corner or something. To at least color in your (maybe biased) image of "popular girls are evil". (I call this biased because my BFF is a popular girl, and she's one of the sweetest people you could ever meet.)

All in all, (I end up saying that a lot >.<)I think you need to read more poetry. Try saying some of the better ones aloud -- you will notice what I call the taste, or the rhythm, of the poem that is pleasing to the ear.

Wow, if I call this navel-gazing, what do I think about songs these days...? :*decides to go look up some Sum41 lyrics*:

..ahem, anyway. I would also like to suggest you try writing a random free-verse poem. Just so you can focus on rhythm more than anything else. (even the subject!)

...argh, I just spent about twenty minutes writing several drafts of a review (which still stinks. Badly.) while Clau summed everything up in about five. XD

..OH! Limericks! You should totally write limericks. They do wonders for rhythm. XD

I end this before I embarrass myself more. :bows:

Sumi

crewgurl93


Unlike Claudette, I don't care about you. What I do care about is the Narrator, who presents a story as compelling as a C-SPAN Special.


Best,
Brad

Sweetie, it's fine, you're young. Writers don't like to read thing like this, they're too easy. I can get feeling jealous, but this isn't even jealousy, this is simple inadequacy. We don't want to see your rhyming skills, rhythm, or lack thereof. What we want you to do is progress as a poet. Which means you need to shed the facade of rhymes, meter, whatever, and write from your heart. Freeverse. Just let it out, whatever it is. You can only get better from there.

Let me know if you do this, I'd like to read it.

I agree that this is simple, and I do think that it coudl be interesting to try this from a new angle, using more imagery and trying ot convey your emotions more powerfully.
As it is, you have a starting point here. Some of your rhythm is out in places. I would suggest:

"Of course, she is who she is,
But I am only me."

"She's perfect in every wasy.
I'm normal, average, every day."

"I struggle just to get a B."
If you read this aloud, you'll get a better sense of the beat, and how you can improove upon it.

I'd rewrite verses five and seven as they are rather weak and cliche. I'd also recommend using punctuation, as Claudette has said. It helps increase the power of the poet's words.
I hope this helps. Good luck.

I liked this, as it flowed well in some place [not all] and the rhyming in some parts was beautiful. What did annoy me though was the repition of that one verse, and it bored me somewhat, making it hard for me to read on. This may be down to personal preference, but it was not for me.

You talked about the girl being perfect too much in your own personal view and it would've been nice to see how others felt about the other girl and then seen her perfection though their eyes.

After some editing, I'm sure this will be great.

God. Why did I write this crap again???

I mean, it really sucks! Dang...