The Four Princesses of Illyria Comments

This is my baby. I know what I want to write, but I'm having trouble getting it out the way I want it to sound.

All help is greatly appreciated!

The story may be found HERE.

Okay, I'm not sure where you want me to critique the story, so i'll write everything up here.

Mostly, i thought it was good. It kept my attention, even though it was long. (Definitely a plus.)

To critique the story, however, I'd particularly suggest developing the characters, either better or sooner. I immediately wondered about the relationship between Ivy and Julian, as well as between Ivy and her father. I'll start with Julian. Are they friends? How long have they been friends? Are they a couple? Does Julian work at the castle? Etc. You mentioned a bit about family in Sophie's piece. Are they distant from their high and mighty parents? Are they close as sisters? Maybe you planned on explaining this all later. Maybe not. These are just my initial thoughts on the story.

"We splattered mud on tapestries as we streaked past..."
This is an... interesting... visual. I think you'd have to be REALLY soaking muddy to splatter mud on a wall as you run past. I don't know what you're going for with this sentence, maybe that's what you're trying to say. Anyway, think it over. See if it can be improved.

It was a kind of story that is easy to visualize and imagine that you're there yourself. Work on characters, and i'm eager to see where the plot leads. Good luck with the next part!

=)

*smiles* Ari, you're cute. You have a Princess infatuation. It's adorable. There's not a lot I can say about this piece. Your writing is crisp and sound, your characters fairly well developed, and quickly. I have one nitpick, "they belonged to someone who has been running so long that his legs have gone numb." It should be "had" gone numb, but even so, I highly doubt that Ivy would know about that. She's not narrating from an omnicient point of view.

Besides that--wouldn't this belong in Fantasy fiction?--if it's supposed to be historical, it's, of course, a far cry from accurate. Most people infatuated by princesses know that being a princess was a far cry from being pleasant, or pleasing. It was all about bartering. Princesses didn't have standing. Which is why, this being not historical (clearly) and not really "other," it should be in fantasy.

Note how I'm trying to sound like I actually know how to do a critique. I've been gone too long.

k, the second nitpickety thingaling that I have is that it's quite standard princess fare. It's a story I've seen before. You said this is your baby: Then don't name it Ashley. There are too many. Make this something beautiful and unique and shining from the very beginning. As it is...it's lacking. I don't quite know where--your writing, as I've said, is solid.

That being said, I don't actually like princess stories. At all. I also don't like Sci-Fi and Fantasy. So the fact that you actually sustained my attention is good. You had a lot of little realistic details that kept me reading.

However, this isn't something I would read, really. It's not something I'd enjoy.

Good luck

nickelodeon - Thank you for taking the time to read and comment! It really does mean a lot to me. I've been having a lot of trouble with this opening, so thanks for bearing with me as I try several different things. This is the third new opening I've done so far, and in the third POV too. So it's been interesting so far, to say the least.

Your comments were very helpful, though, so thanks again for taking the time to post them.

Misty - What? Me? Princess infatuation?

*snorts*

Never.

...Okay, maybe a little.

Thank you for your comments. No matter what you say about being gone too long, this critique was helpful. I get what you're saying, but I'm not sure how to fix it. I'll keep working with it. Hopefully if I can keep you with me and not run you off because it's so boring, you'll decide that it's getting better.

Nice to see you back, by the way! Thanks again.

Ari,

If you keep posting, I'll keep reading it. I'm the worst with fantasy stories though, so I'm technically your "reluctant readers" audience. If you can snare me, you can snare anyone. Good luck. I'll try and help you.