she whispered winter

she whispers winter

in the land across the sea
she whispered winter deep
her roots planted, reaching, touching
bark and skin all mixed within
oil, splinters, the joy of feeling
naked prosperity, dripping leaves
seductively reproducing images of branches—arms,
nymphs of land, draped in white,
her marble hold, the kiss, the bite,
a touch of salted flakes upon my thigh,
foreplay in the deepest sense

inflamed with passion but still cold
the warmest embrace couldn’t shake the chill
and the haughty no-nonsense appeal it instilled

Evangelina,


Cut S2.

I was not a fan of the mispunctuation at the beginning, i.e., "whispered winter deep / her roots planted...," which should have a comma at the end of L2S1. Further, "mixed within / oil" doesn't work--clever, but it doesn't flow properly, and that's a more serious issue than readers realizing you're clever.

"the joy of feeling / naked prosperity" isn't worth its work in breath. Cut it.

"seductively reproducing images of branch" is like a loose tooth in my mouth. Get rid of some syllables.

Otherwise, a pleasant enough experience, though I don't know what it was you were hoping I might take away from having read this.


Best,
Brad

Well thanks for taking a looksie. I was trying to make winter a female thing and my relationship with her somehow sexual...maybe thats just too...I dunno.
Thanks anyhow.

she whispers winter

in the land across the sea
she whispered winter deep,
her roots planted, reaching, touching
bark and skin all mixed within
oil, splinters
dripping leaves
seductive images of branches—arms,
nymphs of land, draped in white,
her marble hold, the kiss, the bite,
a touch of salted flakes upon my thigh,
foreplay in the deepest sense

Just a quick comment--Always work of punctuation before posting a poem. If it works for you in the first draft, to just get the idea out without bothering with those pesky commas, be sure you add them in before you show it to us. it makes your work look, unofficial and juvenile. Good poem, though. Just keep the punctuation and grammar stuff in mind.

Aussie

Please don't bump old threads.

*locked*