Beginning of the End

Deleted for submission.

Overall it was fairly interesting. You need to expand on George more, he appears as a bit flat. Ike, however, seems far more developed. I dont know if I like the switching from George writing to what he's doing.

The writing is great background for George, but if the story just goes on and on like that it might lose interest and readers.

Descriptions are good in the George sections, but it lacks in George's writing. I understand having a unique writing style for George, but it needs to be desrcptive since the reader doesn't really know much about it.

Try and keep a better focus on George and his conflict. I assume he is your Main Character. As it is we know little of George, and if he is your Main character you must increase his activity.

Best of Luck

Edited for submission!
-Mesh

Thanks. I fixed the grammatical stuff you showed me. I'm not so sure about the rest of it though.

For me, it's not really like george's story. He's writing it and all, and but it's really about Ike.

And plus, the first person thing is kind of necessary, for reasons I'll show later on. Not too long, hopefully. I didn't want this to be longer than three thousand words. It looks like it could be that pretty easily...

But thanks anyway. It was well worth the points. And you've given me something to think about with the characters...

Hi Mat. I noticed as I read through this is that you info dump a bit but the way you did it is well connected to the story and it somehow makes me wanting to know more.

First of all, the style of the story flows very well and I did not need to look things over again to understand what was happening. Good job on that. You used your descriptions well and created quite a vivid picture of the room and of his actions.

However, what let this piece down was the lack of character for George and the info dumping kind of put the reader off a bit. It doesn't give the reader room for him/her to relate with the story and share his/her feelings to the characters. You need to show things a bit more and more importantly, show more on George so that we will be given room to breath.

Overall, a job well done.

Yes, I really liked this. I saw it more as a story about Ike than about George...and you say it's fictional anyway, so 'I' isn't necessarily George. He's just writing it down.

Curiousity: why have George telling the story? Why not just write down Ike's story yourself?

I mean, your way makes it unique, but it also gives us this other character...it makes us wonder if you should be developing George more, or if he's just a narrator...

Your writing style flowed very well, and overall a very good story. I enjoyed reading it, and I feel that it could either end there or continue, depending on your choice. I'd read it if you kept posting, though!

Au revoir...

~Madame Kool

Thanks, to both of you.

Sorry about the info dumping. it seems to be a thing of mine when I'm writing in first person. In third, I tend to assume the reader knows everything. xD

And sokool, for now, my intention is to not say whether George is writing down a real story or not. Although if it was real, there'd be a reason that Ike isn't narrating it himself. You'll see if you read on.

Anyway, I've just posted the next part. It's rated 'R' for some language and... death. xD I hope you both read the next bit. It needs a bit of help.

Edited on request.

Yay! Thanks for that, Bubbles. I think I just done most of the things you suggested. And you'd better not be teasing that name. You did come up with it, remember? I think it's a bit better now. But the second part is a bit shabby. xD So, thanks for your crit on that when it comes, too lol.