You'll Forget

Unsure as to whether this is in the right place. I apologise if it is not. If that is the case I'll delete and repost where it's suppost to go or something. (hopefully it isn't too terrible, it's about a year old or so -is no excuse I know- hehe) Emjoi all the same =D

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You’ll forget, you’ll forget
the wind through the willow trees,
the magic in a smile from a friend,
the tremor in a touch from a familiar hand,

a mellow little tune from
a pretty little violin, playing
the same tune from when
we first met that day.

You’ll forget, you’ll forget
the pelting wetness of storming rain,
the searing heat of a bright new sun,
the welcome blue of a cloudless sky,

the rocking back and forth
of that rickety carriage rolling
down that cobbled street,
sitting together that night.

You’ll forget, you’ll forget
the world both in and out,
and the love we had together
just like it never happened.

You’ll forget.

Well, it's not the worst I've seen, but it's not the best, either. The words were pretty, but the rhythm seemed a little off. The last line of the first stanza was the worst. You were trying to pack too many syllables in and it didn't work.

the rocking back and forth
of that rickety carriage rolling
down that cobbled street,
sitting together that night.

This was my favorite stanza. Good imagery.

Overall, this wasn't too bad. I think you pulled off the repetition well. It does seem to be missing something, but I'm not sure what.

Ah, as a note, if you need something moved, just PM a mod and they can move it! (Like me!) ^_^

The repetition kind of shot and killed it. Repetition should be used to enhance the poem and here it seemed to weigh it down, and be the only form of structure. You told everything, and telling never makes good poetry. I'm not sure which direction to lead you in. Emotional poems need to be written in a way that the reader can feel along with you, or understand your feelings, but with this you are talking right to the person who will forget, so it's kind of restricted. Er, do I make sense? I don't think so. I think I'll end my rambling. ^_^

Maybe this will help! Emotional Poetry.

PenguinAttack--


This was on life support until I got to "pelting wetness of storming rain," at which point I pulled the plug.

This is overmodified fluff with no redeeming poetic qualities. I read this a couple of times looking for anything worth saving, and I didn't find a single line that qualified.

Throw this away. Try something else.


Best,
Brad

ahahahah. I have this vague feeling, Brad, that I should be somewhat offended by the way you chose to shoot this down, but I just keep laughing, I'm not entirely sure why.

That said, I completely understand all of the issues with this particular piece, it has never been my favourite. This is regretfully (or maybe thankfully) not my best work, by far.

To be honest I was attempting to touch base, you know?, like put a little bit of nothing out there and see how it was recieved before I tried anything I thought was even vaguely acceptable. This may not have been the "right" thing to do, but I'm a little more touchy about poetry (and how much I suck at it) than I am about my fiction.

I do, however, completely appreciate all of your commentation. It it most helpfull in both the area of expanding and learning as well as the encouragement thing. You're all legends with hearts ahah and I hope this silliness of a poem won't deter you completely from anything else I'm posting.

Muchas Gracias

*hearts* Le Penguin.

Will I forget now?
Huh? I kind of got left thinking why did you write this. You are going to think, she is so stupid after I have said this but...it didn't really make any sense.

the rocking back and forth
of that rickety carriage rolling
down that cobbled street,
sitting together that night.

That was the only part of the poem that made any sense and that I liked because it could have been in a story or a poem meaning that I could just set it aside from the rest of the poem and think hang on there is something decent in here.
Strip this whole poem back down to its original idea and rewrite.

Keep working at it (:

~Ferris AKA Tara~

Hey, Ferris AKA Tara ( lol) I don't think you're stupid at all. and you make much sense.

Truth be told, I doubt I will be going back and attempting to fix this. It cannot be done, sure, I could - maybe - turn it into a good poem by ripping its guts out and re writing it but then it would no longer be the little piece of history it is. Now, I know, that sounds silly, but eheh. I have other poems to worry about, ones that I dont have to stress so seriously after, as they are no where near this terrible. (I hope o.0 )


Thankyou all the same, you made good points and I love to be criticised (sounds silly, no?) it gives me an idea of public opinion.

Muchas Gracias

*hearts* Le Penguin.

Oh Penguin, sweetie, please just ignore Brad. He has only one review setting: "This is horrible, toss it." I actually remember one hilarious post of his on a poem, "What is this? Go away. Best, Brad." XD You'll learn to love him.

Your poem is beautiful. I really don't believe in critiquing poems (only enjoying them, if I can), but I do have one nitpick. You say "tune" twice in the second stanza. I wouldn't.

This poem is nostalgic. For some reason, the references brought Little Women to my mind. Cobblestones and carriages. It's quite nice.

I have a question or two, though, which makes this poem less-than-satisfying (lyrical and sweet, but still, not satisfying). Who is forgetting this? And what? I would understand if they were simply forgetting love, but this person seems to be forgetting everything? Perhaps it's an old way of life? An shed state of being?

Penguin, you're absolutely darling. Don't be scared to post your poems here. We won't entirely butcher it. I get how it is to be scared when you're posting something (I was scared before I posted the piece you so kindly critiqued). It's okay. It's normal. You can only progress from here.

Post some more poetry, I'd like to read it.

I promise I won't tell you to bin it. XD