Centering Gravity

Lovely. I have a few minor suggestions;
I'd omit "to" from the second line as it's not needed. I don't like "dirt-dirty", but I loved "not a nothing in sight". The fourth line offered a great change of pace. I didn't like "hurling". I'm actually not sure about this whole line, but especially not "hurling" as it sounded foced, and kind of broke the whole spinning thing.
I enjoyed the last two lines, but did you mean "soul" instead of "sole"? If not, I'd try "soles."
Hope this helps.

Hehe. I have a hard time with lyric poetry because I desperately want to make it dramatic poetry--in which it is not--so my advice can be disregarded if you so choose

I, as well, stumbled over "dirt-dirty" in L3, but with "not a nothing" right after it, I wouldn't want to change the idea around because I get where you are going with it. If you could find a way to keep the same idea of the line and make it more "fluent" then go for it, but I have no suggestions on how to do that. I do love how the words flow wonderfully, it really is an 'I feel like I'm dancing' thing and that's a great accomplishment. I wonder in the last line if you actually meant 'sole' or if you meant 'soul', either way it's a play on words and is great for a double meaning.

Good job!

Like the others, I'm a fan.

Alliteration and sound. Almost everyone else has mentioned this, but "dirt-dirty" and "not a nothing" are pretty sweet--. I had expected more to come after that; I was actually a little disappointed that the rest of the lines didn't share L3's beautiful sound. L3 shows that you have the ability to do this with sound, so follow up on that in the rest of the poem.

Syntax and structure. I agree with Clau; the first sentence is a little difficult to get through at first. Remember that the way you open can immediately make a reader fall in love or gag.
"Dance me along" sounds awkward to me. Perhaps "Pull me along" or "Spin me along" or something or along those lines.

Diction. I agree with gummy; the long line of verbs in L7 is awkward. It seemed a little childish and amateur compared to the rest of the poem. You can do better describing the sensation of dancing.

Ending in general. This seemed like the worst part of the poem to me. The rhythm slows down and ends sort of on the wrong note, if you will. It clashes with the rest of the poem, which is faster, dance-like. It also doesn't make much sense...I think of the "sole" as being part of the inner lining of the shoe--so how could it be smudged? Overall, the ending was a bit of a letdown following an excellent poem.

-Colleen

I've been wondering what to say about this, because you asked me to critique this and everything, but I am slightly speechless. The word choice is excellent and the whole poem has its own life, so you can see it dancing with the words and everything else. It's quite awesome. ^_^

Dear Ameliorating Amelia,

I actually like your changes quite a bit here, I think it refines it, in it's state now there's an elegance to it, without taking away from the grit and precariousness of it. It flows better this way, which highlights this almost stilted, childish word play that I'm completely smitten with.

"Lite-shuttled light from above couldn't even"

I like the contrast here even of the first compound word there. 'Lite' being a word contrived by commerce, and in that, is somehow neon, gaudy, ephemeral, corrupted, a word of cheap temptation. And then shuttled which is almost a paradox in itself, for it's usage within traditional handicraft, the shuttle on a loom, for example, and the shuttle in space, of course. And that's really such an apt entrée to this poem, really, in that it occupies this limbo, it's between everything, this spiders web trembling between the stump and the spring shoot. Likewise you continue to have this distance and yet intimacy, the tactile and the visionary, necessity and ritual. Truly your glimpses of humanity are a religion in themselves. Thinking of the shuttle, in both senses, it is at once a necessity and a frivolity, for we humans need to be both, we need shelter and exploration but yet to do it in our own way. So the dance, it's inherent to us, it's courting, it's sex, it's the instinct of continuation of the species. But yet why make it beautiful? Why the intracities of us only to survive.

"penetrate the darkness of our palms"

Again this strong tactile sense, This was one of my favourite images here. Thinking of holding a torch in your palm, the plum-flesh lightning veins plummeting about that space in you, and yet it remains unseen, yet the darkness of the palms remains. But as it is "our palms" the idea is strengthened, for light rarely penetrates the two together. That closeness, that oneness, the simple possession, it's deftly sensuous. Your attention to the sounds of it helps a lot to, this casual, passing alliteration and assonance, it's subtle and clean.

"at that dirt-dirty crossing with not a nothing in sight."

Dirt-dirty. I like that little specific there, that word play, and then recapitulated in a way, with the 'not a nothing'. There's a clumsiness to this, a stumbling a scuffling of feet, but it works well for it. It grounds it. The crossing as transition aids it too. I like this element of orientation, that you blend your surroundings into your characters, shared shadows somehow.

"We'd skipped the change and closed the frame:"

Now this is part of the shuttle too, in a way, of hand weaving and structured dance. Vaguely Amish. I liked that you chose these particular expressions not only for the assonance, but also there's a poignancy to the them, of skipping the change, of isolation, of what it is to brush against another human being. Perhaps too, of infidelity, of the slipping of one life into another.

"no longer would his feet slide under mine
to dance me along in that pseudo-waltz way"

Again that's kind of bitter-sweet, and there's that juxtaposition of the almost archaic "walz" with the modern "pseudo", and the lost things imitated, the pretence of what was once spontaneous. There's such a weight in your use of past tense here, flighty exposition. Your possessives and prepositions intrigue me. There's something rare in them. Something not entirely comfortable but right. Erudite, somehow. Flickering.

"ever since we drug each other through the dust
to smudge our salsa dancing soles. "

Okay, "drug" is one of my favourite words in this piece. Lovely, lovely word play there. The dust and the smudging and the shoes is all perfect, reminds me of pastels, which is a medium quite echoing your mood sometimes. Your style reminds me of butterfly wings. Okay, that sounds so superficial and stupid, but you know how they are scaled, and when you're a kid, you're told not to touch them because their so fragile, the scales come off on your fingertips like smudged, coloured pastel, and the butterflies can't fly properly, so delicately liberated are they. But this poem reminds me also of Degas, which is as it should be, no one should write of dancing without winking at Degas.

Your captive, (until I get through another two crits, then you're on your own, she-wench, mwahaha...)
Kit

I particularly like "drug" as well. Though there is the sense of smudging, as in pastels, I also intended smudging, as in incense.

But as it is "our palms" the idea is strengthened, for light rarely penetrates the two together. That closeness, that oneness, the simple possession, it's deftly sensuous.

Think: Romeo and Juliet (I, v): "Palm to palm, is holy palmers' kiss". Though I'm sure I've terribly misquoted.

Perhaps too, of infidelity, of the slipping of one life into another.

Infidelity, I'm not sure, but slipping two lives together, certainly.

and the butterflies can't fly properly, so delicately liberated are they

Interesting ^^

Thank you, Kit; your comments have not only help me think around this poem, but have helped sparked new ideas as well. 'Couldn't hope for anything better!

Lite-shuttled light from above couldn't even - ... HUH?
penetrate the darkness of our palms
at that dirt-dirty crossing with not a nothing in sight. - dirt-dirty? Not a nothing?
We'd skipped the change and closed the frame:
no longer would his feet slide under mine
to dance me along in that pseudo-waltz way
ever since we drug each other through the dust
to smudge our salsa dancing soles.

... I see. I wasn't to fond of the first three lines. Not that they're bad.. maybe I'm not just smart enough to understand them The rest was great though. Everything flows great. Again, the first three lines.. I don't get them. What do they have to do with the rest of the poem?



KEEP WRITING!

[quote="Amelia"][s]Lite-shuttled light from above couldn't
even penetrate the darkness of our palms
at this dirt-dirty crossing with not a nothing in sight.
Skip the change and close the frame:
no longer do his feet slide under mine
to dance me along in that pseudo-waltz way
while we swirl each other through the dust
in which I smudge my salsa dancing sole.
[alt. last two lines: while we swirl each other in the dust
to drug our salsa dancing souls][/s]



Lite-shuttled light from above couldn't even
penetrate the darkness of our palms
at that dirt-dirty crossing with not a nothing in sight.
We'd skipped the change and closed the frame:
no longer would his feet slide under mine
to dance me along in that pseudo-waltz way
ever since we drug each other through the dust
to smudge our salsa dancing soles.[/quote]


I don't think you need dirt when you said' "dirt-dirty." It just sounds awkward if you know what i mean. The rest i think is pretty well written i must say. Happy writing

Gothgirl01

at that dirt-dirty crossing with not a nothing in sight.

I love this line. In fact, I love this poem. I love you! I love life.

^_^

See how happy your poem made me? What a relief after all the dull sludge thrown up against the forum walls by the more inexperienced writers! Thank you, Melja, thank you!

This is a great poem. It is vague and mysterious, and yet you can still tell what the poem is about, you can still tell what the poem is about. It also conveys a lot of emotion just with the words that you choose and the way that you phrase the poems.

I would have liked to see a bit more line breakage and rhythm to the way that this was put together -- after all, you are writing about dancing, the entire feel of it should have rhythm and musical touch.

Overall, it's amazing. Very weird, but in a good way!! totally in <'3 with it.

--KK

When I read over this poem the second time a weird feeling was in my stomach. I didn't find anything wrong with it.

Anyway!... It was a very good poem!

Um... I read this a couple of months ago, but apparently I didn't comment. So I will!

I liked this poem. It was pretty.