nostalgia

these memories are haunting me.
some black and white, some color
as menancing as no other
reality in my wake.
voices so much louder than ever before-
repeating those daunting words
that escape me, forever more...

a broken phonograph lies in my head
beneath this skull, heavy as lead
it repeats my days, over and over
with deja vu at every corner
and nostalgia at the foot of my bed.

behind these blood-torn lips
and burning brown eyes
are whispers of thoughts
never to be spoken
spurred by the mistrust-
forever broken.

why did you let go?
how could you sink down that low?

I have to say, this poem made me frown and I dont fully understand the structure and composure to be truly honest. Your rhyming is good, but some of your lines do not fit, such as;

"And nostalgia at the end of my bed"

Now, I think it is supposed to fit in with the first two lines of that verse, but when I was reading through the piece it felt as though that line was misplaced in a way.

I also didn't understand the lines;

"Behind these blood-torn lips
and burning brown eyes"

How can lips be blood-torn? And how can brown be burning? Maybe this is because I am a little stupid, but the imagary didn't work for me there.

Another line I didn't understand was;

"and nostalgia at the end of my bed"

But this may be because of my own mental abillity. But I have to tell you, most of this poem did not work for me.

One line I did like though was;

"with deja vu at every corner"

I loved this line as it seems that you are repeating your life and memories over and over, just like you would see a corner if you were walking around the block, over and over.

After a little look over and work, I'm sure this piece will be great!

I, personally, didn't think the rhyming in this poem was that great and didn't really understand how the poem in its entirety was structured. The rhyming seemed unevenly done and certain words didn't really fit. For instance, "other" and "color" aren't a perfect rhyme, and, well, the rhyming scheme seemed quite random and patchy. Each stanza had a different number of lines, and likewise the lines were not always the same length. However, I did like the general theme and idea of this poem, and I think that you could apply it with some of the same descriptions and ideas if you simply organized the poem and its structure a little bit more.

Oh, I love it simply because I can relate to nestalgia! you have some lovely lines. The first two stanzas were the best, the last two... not so much. How are lips blood-torn? The last stanza made it more personal, but it also made it harder for me to understand it.

I wouldn't worry much about the rhyme scheme I like it as is--it doesn't stand out and attack you.


I think you should work off of the comparison of the second stanza and the beauty of the first stanza and create something else with the next stazas. Show us more, give us more imagery, what are we feeling with you? You could also add more punctuation, it seems like you start to punctuate, then forget.

One thing I've noticed about your poetry is you seem never to capitalize. This could be a style thing, but consider capitalization, if you will, to be another form of style. Sometime you capitalize none of the first lines, sometimes you capitalize to correspond with punctuation, or you capitalize them all. But, when ever you do that, you have to do it with reason. It effects how the poem is read, interpreted, it gives it a silent and quiet feeling. Do you forget to capitalize, or is there a reason? Just something for you to think on.

Thanks for the reviews/crits, everyone. =D
I'll be revising this poem and posting up a new version - but more critiques are welcome =)

Mel