500 Words

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Eee! it won hehe. Thanks kids.



Tap…tap…tap…

The rhythmic click of heels on the cold tile floor suited the décor of the hallway. You could expect clicking heels amongst the sterile white walls and the stiff white figures almost marching down the long corridor. Rows of doors lined this corridor; blank white doors, with cold metal handles, small locks hiding beneath. In the centre, near the top of each door, was a number, painted a pale ice blue against the white. Alternating numbers across the hallway, right-one, left-two, right-three, left-four. So it continued along the hallway, each door waiting to be opened, the key inserted and the handle turned.

The end of the corridor, opening onto a large open space, painted white once again. Metal attachments were everywhere, the handles, the locks, the legs of chairs. Such a cold environment, one must wonder, what goes on here? Past the short office table, glass separating the public from the administrator, past the door marked ‘Janitor’. Then on and on once again, passing doors; all the same, numbers blurring. Metal handles now one long rail, almost clear enough to hold.

WAIT
What is that?
A mirror clearly placed in the hallway, a mirror waiting, yearning for someone to look in. Hands sliding over polished metal. No. Not a mirror, not really; new, cold, uninviting, move away. Pale white and framing, glistening dark silver-grey, stark white walls encompassing another cold sign,

‘Do not run’

Run? What is this?
Slow, careful. Pale white once again; no colour, not now, even the cold metal has gone, left behind. Glass up ahead, sigh, metal again; framing the glass, clear colour streams through the cold bars. First blue sky calling to be seen, and then green grass waiting to be stepped upon, those trees so tall, so large; asking to be climbed, see it all.

Clear drops rain down upon the beautiful scene, and the colour runs, the bars melt, what was once beautiful, has now gone. Pass this spot, onto another, pale white once again running through the walls; covering, suffocating, there.

RUN

Run?
Run, past the doors numbers blurring once more, colours running, metal rail just as before. Will it happen again? Only time can tell, but the wait, how long will it be? It doesn’t matter, moving once again. Past doors and walls, painted faces and stern maidens, past strict men and loving ladies, run, don’t stop, run.

LISTEN

Laugher?
Laughter, clear, loudly rings out, the hallways echoing, like they miss this clear joyous sound. Cannot stop now, keep running; legs crying, pain searing, the exercise, never done before, but the laughter, continue towards the laughter.

PAUSE

A corridor; very familiar, pale white, just like all the rest, but wait, where is the laughter? It has gone, left. The doors; such a pale white, handles; cold metal, locks hiding beneath, there are rows of them, door after door; all identical, the same. Numbers, on the doors, familiar numbers, alternating across the hallway; right-one, left-two, right-three, left-four.

STOP
Last edited by PenguinAttack on Thu Oct 11, 2007 10:12 am, edited 3 times in total.
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Wow. That was........spell-binding. I couldn't stop reading. I think the tone of the piece is what made it so good; the writing itself was also great.

Pale white, framing, glistening dark silver-grey, stark white walls encompassing another cold sign,

Is the first comma necessary?

metal a rail just as before.

Is the a supposed to be there?

I really liked this. It had a nightmarish feel to it and it contained some excellent imagery.

Keep it up,

Alainna
xx
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Thankus Muchus for the commentation =D

Tis most welcome. (compliments make me *giggle* )

Umm, to answer your questions, the first comma is necessary I'll show why (if i can)

"Pale white, framing, glistening dark silver-grey, stark white walls encompassing another cold sign,"

Here the two things are seperate ja? It is both pale white and it is framing but it is not pale white framing. Does this make sense? I have no real idea how to explain it except that removing the comma, although completely pliable, would alter the meaning.

Its funny you mention the metal rail thing, because I was thinking about it also, the problem is that to change it (and I've looked) the word count would be altered and I would need to find another place to add a word. Not terribly difficult but still troublesome.

Once again major thankye. You roxxors hehe. (it is more than possible that this is way too long a reply... I get carried away sometimes.)

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The title threw me off actually; I thought someone had gone into my piece and edited my tag. It didn't help that my 500 words are just underneath yours.

Addressing the "a", and simultaneously the "pale white, framing", problem: If you get rid of the "A", you can also replace the comma with "and". It'll keep your word count consistent, and it solves both problems.

I loved this, to be honest. I like the sense of futility at the end, too; how even though you run, whatever you're running from never really leaves (like the room numbers). I could be reading too much into it, but it's something I just couldn't help but notice.




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To tell you the truth, I had no idea what went on in this story.
I mean, I had a clear view of what was happening, and I don't want you to change a thing. But... is this supposed to be a mental hospital or something?
Meh, it doesn't matter. I loved it.
I think you're crazy, maybe.




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I really liked it. And the way you changed your writing style after the first paragraph was interesting. I was drawn in from the "Tap...tap...tap.."

Very good!

(~) Emi (~)
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Llama 2:"That's the sound of people drowning, Carl!"
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Flemzo wrote:The title threw me off actually; I thought someone had gone into my piece and edited my tag. It didn't help that my 500 words are just underneath yours.

Addressing the "a", and simultaneously the "pale white, framing", problem: If you get rid of the "A", you can also replace the comma with "and". It'll keep your word count consistent, and it solves both problems.



Aha! You're a legend. I didn't come anywhere near thinking of that! *goes n edits*

Yeah, sorry about the title, I did think it was a little silly to put it with the same one, but it has no other name. :roll:


Muchas Gracias to all for the commentation. It's actually one of my more loved pieces (personally) umm, mental hospitals have been mentioned, thats not where I invisioned it. To be honest, I was looking at it been in the mind, thats why there's no escape and everything is so completely futile. Gots me some existentialism going. =D Then again, it really can be anywhere you want it to be (within reason) I'm not rigid in interpretations, thats what literature is so very much about.

Once again thanus youus =D

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Hmmm...that was captivating. A very nice piece, indeed.

I notice all the way through you tended to do long sentences, going on and on forever, with a lot of commas, creating the effect, as you can see, of a continuous train of though that, if this sentence is no clear indication, can be a little confusing at times, and shows you that sometimes it is better to create two or three sentences for a long, run-on sentence with a lot of commas.

*big breath*

But you get the picture. In some places I like the way you had looong sentences...it sort of helped the story flow along and made it feel smooth and continuous. But in some places, it just got to be too much.

I would suggest reading through this aloud, and where you think it sounds awkward, divide a long many-comma'd sentence into two or three sentences.

Otherwise, a great piece! Lovely.

Au revoir!

~Madame Kool 8)
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Muchas Gracias Ma'am Kool, as always a kind word is all I need to *giggle* like there is no tomorrow. =D

My long sentances were supposed to be purposeful (there is another word I'm looking for but it just ran away) though there are more than I thought. (I checked lol) Thankyou for pointing it out to me!


Again, Muchas thankyas.


*hearts* Le Penguin.
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Chilling.
But I have no idea what was going on. ;)

The first paragraph was especially good. I didn't think I'd like it to begin with but it grabbed me. The dramatic breaks, the intense directions, the reader's direct involvement as the main character--it could have been so very tacky, but it was excellent.

But I still have no idea what was happening. A person (a woman, we can assume, from the clicking heels) goes down an austure hallways--and runs back? What did I miss? The descriptions--beautiful, surreal, real. But the action? The laughter? The heel-clicking feet that have never run?

Maybe you can PM me with the answers, I'm terribly interested. XD




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Awesome. I love this. Great job!

*applause*

And, see? You WON!

*throws pink and blue confetti*

Wooooo!




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Hehe thanks ^.^
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I appreciate your concern for detail-it's amazing how suspenseful the description you gave was. This is definitely a good beginning, but make sure you give a more distinct sense of setting and some sort of an event in the next paragraphs. :)




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"Slow, careful. Pale white once again; no colour, not now, even the cold metal has gone, left behind. Glass up ahead, sigh, metal again; framing the glass, clear colour streams through the cold bars. First blue sky calling to be seen, and then green grass waiting to be stepped upon, those trees so tall, so large; asking to be climbed, see it all."

Try using a few pronouns to give a sense of the viewpoint. Who is the main character, and where are they? I enjoy the suspense that is lent by the vivid use of detail, but the mystery surrounding the event taking place is confusing. In the next passage, include more about the place's type. Is it an institution? A hospital? A prison? Who is this person? Why is it so quiet? What/who are they running from? Why are they crying?




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I agree with iQuippie this is a great written story, still can't figure out what it means though. But once again superbly written, especially loved the ending. :D
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