A New Me

Please critique! It's very much needed! Oh, but be nice!

A New Me

Is this what
I really want?
A new life?
A new me?
If that’s what I want,
What I would choose,
Would I be happy in someone else’s shoes?
No!
That’s not who I am!
That’s not me!
I don’t think
I’d be happy
Being anyone else
But me

Where do I begin. Over all I like the idea, but it needs work on it is expressed. I see no picture nor point to the poem. Also, what you have is also very vague. Maybe explain who you once were, who you want to be, then how you won't change. Then I would add a picture of foundation to the poem. Maybe a person who is bullied or something.

Next would be punctuation. It just didn't work the way you molded it. Try reading the poem like it was normal and see how you *Feel* the poem should break up.

Then there's the rhyming you tried to do. Didn't work out here at all. Don't worry about it though, I can't rhyme in poetry either, so we're both in the same boat there.

Fix it up a bit and I'll be back to read it. Like i said the idea was good, but you didn't bring it across as well as you could. Keep working, we've all been there.

I like the general idea, but the poem just didn't seem to work at all. Please, if you want to rhyme, do it in a structured and rhythmic or at least appreciable way. Everything in this poem came across too simply and seemed too straight forward, childish even. Take a look at some other poetry. Give your lines structure and rhythm. Don't tell the reader everything, allow them to envision it. Redesign the thing entirely and see what you come up with.

crewgurl93 wrote:A New Me

Is this what
I really want?
A new life?
A new me?
If that’s what I want,
What I would choose,
Would I be happy in someone else’s shoes?
No!
That’s not who I am!
That’s not me!
I don’t think
I’d be happy
Being anyone else
But me

it really depends how you ,emphasis on the you, want it to be but i think the two lines in bold should be one line and maybe the last four lines could be two

Yikes. This is kind-of a train wreck. This poem, I'm sad to say, is really going nowhere. Hear me out, though. First, I'd like to point you in the direction of this very handy thread. I think it will help your poetry rather a lot.

I understand the theme of the poem, and I can understand why you would write it. I've been having a similar debate with myself about who I want to be. It's a pretty common feeling, which is why you need to do something to make your poem stand out. There are probably lots of poems out there on the subject of finding oneself, so you've got to show us a different take on it. I think this is where the imagery can come in. Give us something that makes it unique to you. Is it the style of shoes all of the other girls are wearing that you think are uncomfortable? (I'm a big fa of shoe metaphors, but you don't have to use them.) Maybe you think your favorite t-shirt is childish, but you want to wear it, anyway. Think of these examples from your own life and don't just use them in your poem: make the poem about them.

I really did like the line "would I be happy in someone else's shoes?" but maybe substituting "comfy" for "happy" would make the line a little more powerful. (Comfy, shoes, comfy shoes - get it?) Admittedly, it would also make the overall poem feel more casual. "Comfy" is not the most professional sounding word ever.

It was an alright poem.
For some reason it reminded me of WHAT IS THIS??? from A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS....

I didn't think it was too choppy, but at the same time... There were some parts that I found cut off... I generally don't like reading poems with 3 words per line, but then again I can't say anything because I used to write like that.

Good job, all in all.

I have to agree with what everyone else has said. It is a good idea but the way you have written it could apply to absoutlutely anybody. In some ways that is good, having a poem that people feel they could relate to, on the the other hand it really isn't. Make it about you, or whoever the narrator is.
Make it more personal and your own. Strip this poem back down to pehaps the linesh ighlighted in bold:

Is this what
I really want?
A new life?
A new me?
If that’s what I want,
What I would choose,
Would I be happy in someone else’s shoes?
No!
That’s not who I am!
That’s not me!
I don’t think
I’d be happy
Being anyone else
But me

Keep working at it xD

A New Me

Is this what,
I really want?
A new life? (why is it a new life? Are you moving?)
A new me? (what whould change)
If that’s what I want,
What I would choose,
would I be happy in someone else’s shoes?
No!
That’s not who I am! (what are you then?)
That’s not me!
I don’t think
I’d be happy
being anyone else, (why?)
but me.

The idea is very good but the poem is a bit bare. I have so many questions unanswered! What sort of new life? Why are you changing? I need to know what your personality is before I can relate to you. Show don't tell.
(Sorry to be so harsh)
Good idea!
Charlotte

its the first poetry on yws i've read and it looks good. jared told me bout you; said you wrote good stuff. i agree a little about what he wrote though

If I were in your shoes, I would choose a nice chocolate bar. That would be good.

As it is, it is a little vague. For instance, you say that you don't want to live the life you're thinking about. Okay. Unfortunately, we are not mind readers, so our reaction is somewhat close to someone overhearing someone babble about something and, when they ask, the babbler tells that person that, "Oh, don't worry, I was just talking to myself."

You must give us at least an inkling of what's happening. Pure emotion or thought makes the reader confused... it's better to tell them what's happening and then let them decide what the emotion should be.

Cheers!