Shavout

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I sit at a table, can’t wait till it’s all over. Cheeses of all kinds are scattered on gleaming plates all across the eight-seat table, fat and luscious watermelon slices piled in a thick bowl, carrots and broccolis mixed on a slim platter, and various chips served in basins basking with good grace and like a ghost on the flowery map.

I bite a chip and stare into space, soft, bittersweet music slithering in the scent of cheese. They make me crash into memories, like a blind bicycle collapsing on a brick wall. Ambulance, police, they all come to check me up, what happened. It’s too long a story, I don’t even open my mouth.

It’s the kind of music the music teacher made my third grade class listen to, sing. The kind of music my father put on during holidays in Israel. In Hebrew. About Jerusalem, and harvest, children holding hands, very gentle.

I pick at the watermelon on my plate. Next to me, someone is grabbing food from all over, making jokes, laughing, and they don’t find this event even remotely unique, no significance, no memories, not even… it’s just another dinner at family friends. But I can still feel my foot twisting. It was only—only? I am not that young—eight years before: dad tossing me on the couch, breaks, head on his lap, car ride, hospital, months in the kindergarten rolling on the floor, my butt like a broom sweeping up the marble. And then tears bond in my eyelids, but no stone emerges in my throat, and I bite the watermelon viciously. The tears go away.

I am old, too old, thirteen years; it seems like my entire life all went too fast, was all another yesterday. I am not dying, but still I am good as dead, no more childhood, now it was only coffee in the morning, college, and then wife and children and all those things, all those things I am scared of. Eight years! Eight years since I broke my foot, and yet it’s clean in my mind, fresh and beautiful.

No. It’s a dream of a memory. So far away but it all happened yesterday.
The music is still dancing in the air. Noami Shemer, Givatron, a girl skipping in the hills. I was born for the peace that is supposed to come, that’s what I hear darting in the sound, and now the stone reaches up my mouth. I know this song, it was a memory, a dream, both, something that is invisible, on a n abandoned dessert next to Egypt. No, no, no, no, my mind says, no! Please, come back to me. Please…

I ask to be excused, finish the math homework, read a book. The music stops when I want to go to sleep. School tomorrow. But it would play in mind for the entire night, I know, like a car radio turned on dimly in the dark. A part of me wants it to stop, another wants it to live in my head forevermore.
my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away




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Points 5890
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Hm, I did like this although I found it....strange. In a good way. It was certainly unique!

I sit at a table, can't wait till it's all over.


Reads better as : I sit at the table; can't wait 'till it's all over.

and various chips served in basins basking with good grace, [s]and[/s] like a ghost on [s]the[/s] flowery map.


Instead of the flowery map. A flowery map.

I really liked that whole sentence though, very compelling.

on a n abandoned dessert next to Egypt.


Should be: on an abandoned...

But it would play in mind for the entire night


Reads better as: But it would play in my mind for the entire night.

like a car radio turned on dimly in the dark.


Very nice simile.

Overall this was a very good piece. It grew on me as I read it and when you revealed that the memory was about breaking your foot I think it worked better than I expected it to.

Keep it up,
Alainna
xx
Sanity is for the unimaginative.

Got YWS?




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I don't know it was incredibly strange. It reminded me of poetry with a completely off, in some parts rhythm and that wasn't in a good way.
I think you had good description though and captured the atmosphere well.

I liked this peice at the beginning but it was beginning to grow off by the end. I guess the opposite of Alainna's view on it.

A good job I would say though.

~Ferris AKA Tara~
“Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.”




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I read it. Then I took the time to chew on it. Then I read it again, so as to attempt to grasp it better. Unsuccessfully.

I'm usually fond of abstruse texts, but maybe this one is too intricate for me ^^ However, I guess your first intention was to create a deep and intriguing atmosphere, and you achieved it brilliantly. I had a great time reading it, though I'd love to understand it a little more. I daresay my brain is currently striking. Or something.

Anyway, keep it up.




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Well, I don't understand what's so difficult to get. He's eating and remembering things. It's not nonsensical. Doesn't mean it isn't kind of a bore. When you do things like ths, you have to make the narration more agile, fun to read, or else it seems forced and pretentious. Like you want to sound nonsensical when it's actually a pretty straighforward text.

Got one problem though: why are you having cheese and watermelons for lunch? Fugly.
there are many problems in our times
but none of them are mine




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Points 1990
Reviews 14
Well, I don't understand what's so difficult to get. He's eating and remembering things. It's not nonsensical.


Oh, so there was no need to go and look further, eventually. I always get confused when I read texts like that, fearfully wondering if I'm missing something important or if there is actually nothing to miss.

I'm glad to see I didn't miss anything then. Or perhaps we both did ? ^^



The best speculative fiction peels your mind and shows you the familiar from a direction you have not looked in before
— Neil Gaiman