Betrayal

The blow goes past the ribs,
Straight to the heart
Grips the stomach, holds tight
The pain turns to sadness
And then it grows to anger
The anger swallows whole
The rage stings as it splits
Bitterness sours your mouth
Defensiveness comes naturally
When the fire leaves you
Alone and hurting
Until you have nothing left
No more energy to sustain you
So the calm comes to fill void
But it does not go away
Not until you have admitted
What it was that brought it there

Woah I really liked that (:

A couple of bits I would work on:

The pain turns to sadness
And then it grows to anger

This good and true, but I don't know, pain turns to sadess? I think you could have used better words. "Turns to" just sounds a little boring.

Defensiveness comes naturally

I found this hard to say, two quite long words after each other, it just didn't seem to fit.

But I absoulutely loved:

So the calm comes to fill void
But it does not go away
Not until you have admitted
What it was that brought it there

That was fantastic.

Good job (:

~Ferris AKA Tara~

This poem could be so good it made my brain explode.

I agree with the girl above me that

kirstybree wrote:The pain turns to sadness
And then it grows to anger

Seems a little awkward. I think it's because that transition from pain to sadness to anger usually takes so long in a person. I think maybe if you elaborated a little bit on that idea it would seem more fitting. I could be wrong though..


I think you contradict yourself at the end there. First you say..

kirstybree wrote:Until you have nothing left

then

kirstybree wrote:But it does not go away

What does not go away?


I also think you could do with more punctuation and some breaks. It reads like a really long sentence. Punctuate it as if it were written out as a paragraph. Then maybe have someone else read it out loud to you so you can see where the natural breaks are hidden. S/he will pause where a break might likely go.

I agree with Rhea -- right now it's really hard to read the poem -- you have given the reader no indication of breaks or pauses in the poem, which has disrupted the flow completely. Punctuate! Add commas and full stops and semi-colons or whatever. You've done it well on line three, and that's perhaps the only line that I could read properly.

Some of your lines were weak -- "But it does not go away" -- these sorts of bland expressions you should avoid. I'd recommend reading over your phrasing and thinking if you can amend them to something more unique. Consider your words carefully.

I liked everything that was violent. Which sounds slightly sadistic, but it's true. When you described love as a beating, then it was just so much more interesting because a beating is something physical that EVERYONE can understand, and that makes it more real than descending into sadness or whatever.

So here is my advice: the violent stuff was by far the best. Get rid of any passive voice in this poem and make the verbs stronger and more brutal. Remove anyhing that talks about the narrator's sadness... instead, make us feel that love is a beating and it will be so much better.

Anyway, good luck.

you could almost feel the wound(not that i know what that feels like, but i've split my knee an inch deep)...(ow...)....anyway, the title helps the reader(well at least me) and its an interesting poem. keep it up!!

Z_