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I wrote this during the absence of YWS. I wrote a lot actually...

*The title has nothing to do with the story, but I really want to use that as a title, don't know why.*

There's a bit of language


"Shelby! Shelby, you loser, get up! Shelby?" Aaron was shaking Shelby, trying to get her to wake up. She had tripped over a rock or something and fell onto the concrete. Now she wasn't moving. Aaron was starting to freak out. A tear fell down his cheek and he sat next to the still un-moving Shelby, stroking her face with his hand.
"I'm sorry." He squeaked. He felt a hand clamp down on his arm and he screamed. He ripped the hand off of him and jumped up. Hysterical laughter followed. Shelby was rolling on the floor. She stood up with difficulty, still laughing.
"Aw man! I got you good!" She said. Aaron was panting and his eyes were wide.
"You-you bitch!" He shrieked. Shelby had just stopped laughing. "I seriously thought you were dead!"
"Awww! Sorry, Aaron Baby. I didn't mean to scare you." She said pinching his cheek. He smacked her.
"Aaron! What the hell? I was only joking around. Have a sense of humor." Shelby said, her hand to her cheek.
"Death isn't funny, Shelby."
"Ok, I got carried away, I'm sorry."
"Really?"
"If I was lying, I'd throw my iPod into the river."
"Oh alright. I believe you." He said. "But I'm still pissed off at you." She smiled and hugged him.
"Come on, I'm hungry. Let's go get something to eat."
"Ok, but you're paying."
"I guess I deserve that." They walked out of the park and down to the nearest cafe'.

That night Aaron had a horrible nightmare. Shelby was running around in a white dress, barefoot. Her long brown hair was blowing with the wind and she was laughing. Then, a truck horn went off in the distance. Shelby was now in jeans and a green shirt on a dark road, still barefoot. A big truck came racing out from the dark and hit Shelby. Aaron was on the side of the road. He was trying to scream but nothing came out of his throat. He watched as the truck stopped and a man climbed out. The man was him! He hit Shelby!

He woke up covered in sweat and breathing hard.
"Aaron? You ok?" His mother asked.
"Yeah. Just-just a nightmare." he said.
"Oh, alright. Well, Shelby stopped by. She wanted you to meet her at Candice's house tonight, at nine."
"Thanks mom."
"No problem, baby." she patted his arm and walked out.

Shelby was standing on the corner of the road, leaned against the lamp post, waiting for Aaron. His old blue mustang pulled up about ten minutes later.
"Finally!"
"Sorry, I was trying to pick out what to wear."
"A guy caring about his looks? I don't believe it!"
"Mock me all you want. I'm not the one in..." He gaped at her. She was wearing a green shirt and tight jeans with white flip-flops.
"I look hot, huh?" She winked. He pulled himself back.
"No way! I just thought you could look a bit better for this party." He smiled and she punched him playfully.

The party lasted until about three in morning. Shelby and Aaron got into his car and went to drive home. After what seemed like forever Shelby spoke up.
"Where the heck are we?" She asked. It was dark and no one was on the road. Just then, the car broke down.
"Oh Brilliant! That's just fucking brilliant!" He shouted, getting out of the car.
"Aaron, calm down, it's no big deal."
"Sorry. I'm gonna go get help. You stay here."
"Sure, ok."

Aaron walked down the road for a bit when he saw a truck slow to a stop by him.
"Need any help?" The man asked. He was old, big, and sweaty, but he seemed nice enough.
"Yeah, me and my friend are stuck back there. Do you think you can give us a lift?"
"Sure thing. Hop in." Aaron climbed in next to the man. "My name is Larry, by the way."
"I'm Aaron."
"I had a cousin named-" Aaron heard choking noises and looked over to Larry. He was bent over the wheel and blood was coming out of his mouth.
"Shit!" Aaron pushed Larry over, making his body lean against the horn. Aaron swerved and Shelby was caught in the headlights. He couldn't reach the brakes from his position and he screamed as she screamed. He was screaming cause his dream was coming true, while she was screaming from the impact of the truck. He opened the door and threw Larry out. Aaron slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the truck. He ran to his friend who was now a mangled body on the road and started to cry. He held her hand, now wishing she would grab his arm back.

Very powerful piece, particularly considering its length. Very well written, although perhaps a little sensory/emotional description in some places could strengthen your piece. The end is also a little confusing, its hard to know what's happening and its very quick - you could elaborate a little further, particularly about what's happening to Larry. But excellent work!

Hi there. K, I was reading through this the other day when it was on the home page and it caught my interest. SO. Let me make a shifty attempt at being helpful. (I'm horrible at this ) I'll warn you that I'm writing it not as a proper critique but more as a friend giving you a read over and telling you initial reactions and so on.


"Shelby! Shelby, you loser, get up! Shelby?" Aaron was shaking Shelby, trying to get her to wake up. She had tripped over a rock or something

[b]cut the "or something." If it was a first person narrative, it'd be fine, but this is The Omnipotent Narrator Who Knows All, and the "or something" is too tell-tale of a First Person. Doesn't work. Anyway, if <i>you</i> don't know what happened to your characters, why should <i>I</i> care?</b>


and fell onto the concrete. Now she wasn't moving. Aaron was starting to freak out. A tear fell down his cheek and he sat next to the still un-moving Shelby, stroking her face with his hand.

<b>K, my idea of a "freak out" is him running around screaming, panicking. and why would he sit next to her and have a little tear? Why wouldn't he go for help? Why would he stroke her? Is he a creep? This is creepy to me. ALSO--<i>Aaron was starting to freak out</i> is AGAIN suggesting a First Person narrative. If you're going to write like that, then just write in first person. But if you're doing the third person, you have to be more concise.</b>

"I'm sorry." He squeaked.

<b>Sweet, but why would he be sorry? Squeaked is a very good descriptive term, though. </b>

He felt a hand clamp down on his arm and he screamed.

<b>Do boys scream? How bout yelled? Shouted. I find it hard to imagine him screaming.</b>

He ripped the hand off of him and jumped up. Hysterical laughter followed. Shelby was rolling on the floor. She stood up with difficulty, still laughing.

<b>So now she's on the floor? A few minutes ago she was on the sidewalk.</b>


"Aw man! I got you good!" She said. Aaron was panting and his eyes were wide.


"You-you bitch!" He shrieked. Shelby had just stopped laughing. "I seriously thought you were dead!"


<b>She tripped, she's not bleeding, she's breathing, and he thought she was...*sighs* Oh, I question the competence of this boy. I do suggest you brighten him a bit.</b>

"Awww! Sorry, Aaron Baby. I didn't mean to scare you." She said pinching his cheek. He smacked her.

<b>Smacked her, huh? You need to be specific. "He slapped her cheeck" would be better, if in fact that's what he did.</b>


"Aaron! What the hell? I was only joking around. Have a sense of humor." Shelby said, her hand to her cheek.

<b>So she's not indignant? She's not freaking out? Her eyes aren't watering from being slapped? She's not threatening to rip his balls off and scrape out his eyeballs for slapping her? What kind of human being is she?</b>

"Death isn't funny, Shelby."
"Ok, I got carried away, I'm sorry."
"Really?"
"If I was lying, I'd throw my iPod into the river."
"Oh alright. I believe you." He said. "But I'm still pissed off at you." She smiled and hugged him.

<b>He, the dumbass, is pissed at HER. Oh lord...K, I'm not trying to sound mean but I'm trying to give you an honest critique of what I, as a reader, feel. So please don't be offended by my lack of tact.</b>

"Come on, I'm hungry. Let's go get something to eat."
"Ok, but you're paying."
"I guess I deserve that." They walked out of the park and down to the nearest cafe'.

<b>I'm seriously, as a reader, starting to think that your Shelby is into the Dom/Sub culture. I also don't understand the point of the exchange up there. Why did she fake trip anyway? That really isn't a funny joke.</b>

That night Aaron had a horrible nightmare. Shelby was running around in a white dress, barefoot. Her long brown hair was blowing with the wind and she was laughing. Then, a truck horn went off in the distance. Shelby was now in jeans and a green shirt on a dark road, still barefoot. A big truck came racing out from the dark and hit Shelby. Aaron was on the side of the road. He was trying to scream but nothing came out of his throat. He watched as the truck stopped and a man climbed out. The man was him! He hit Shelby!

<b>THANK YOU! YES! IN FACT HE DID HIT SHELBY! Is this a flashback for his past evils? Anyway, I understand how it's tempting to put your characters in pretty dresses and make them run. But---*smiles* supress the urge. I also LOVE the image of Shelby laughing. I don't think you need the "big" in front of "truck" as a descriptive. Say semi-truck if that's what it is, or just "truck." But nice work. </b>

He woke up covered in sweat and breathing hard.
"Aaron? You ok?" His mother asked.

<b>What the hell? Where'd his mom come from?</b>

"Yeah. Just-just a nightmare." he said.
"Oh, alright. Well, Shelby stopped by. She wanted you to meet her at Candice's house tonight, at nine."
"Thanks mom."
"No problem, baby." she patted his arm and walked out.

<b>So what time is it? What is the room like? Why didn't Shelby just come upstairs? Why isn't his mother more upset about him having a nightmare--trying to soothe him? This isn't a believable exchange.</b>

Shelby was standing on the corner of the road, leaned against the lamp post, waiting for Aaron. His old blue mustang pulled up about ten minutes later.


<br>So why'd you start the scene ten minutes before the action? Start it at the action. Have her say "Finally." We get it. She's been waiting.</b>

"Finally!"
"Sorry, I was trying to pick out what to wear."

<b>Right. Yeah. K.</b>

"A guy caring about his looks? I don't believe it!"
"Mock me all you want. I'm not the one in..." He gaped at her. She was wearing a green shirt and tight jeans with white flip-flops.
"I look hot, huh?" She winked. He pulled himself back.
"No way! I just thought you could look a bit better for this party." He smiled and she punched him playfully.

<b>:) I like Shelby.</b>

The party lasted until about three in morning. Shelby and Aaron got into his car and went to drive home. After what seemed like forever Shelby spoke up.

<b>You're diong a lot of telling and not much showing.</b>

"Where the heck are we?" She asked. It was dark and no one was on the road. Just then, the car broke down.

<br>Just then the car broke down huh? Well I don't believe it. This is too much like a horror whatsit. Vair cheesy.<br>

"Oh Brilliant! That's just fucking brilliant!" He shouted, getting out of the car.

<b>Aaron is just a manic depressive, isn't he?</b>

"Aaron, calm down, it's no big deal."

<b>She's very chill, this Shelby.</b>

"Sorry. I'm gonna go get help. You stay here."
"Sure, ok."

<b>Wtf. Why would he leave her? That's effed up.</b>

Aaron walked down the road for a bit when he saw a truck slow to a stop by him.
"Need any help?" The man asked. He was old, big, and sweaty, but he seemed nice enough.
"Yeah, me and my friend are stuck back there. Do you think you can give us a lift?"
"Sure thing. Hop in." Aaron climbed in next to the man. "My name is Larry, by the way."
"I'm Aaron."

<b>And he just had a nightmare...and the clothes are the same...why is Aaron so dim</b>

"I had a cousin named-" Aaron heard choking noises and looked over to Larry. He was bent over the wheel and blood was coming out of his mouth.

<b>I still don't believe it. You need more of an exchange between them. It's too sudden.</b>

"Shit!" Aaron pushed Larry over, making his body lean against the horn. Aaron swerved and Shelby was caught in the headlights. He couldn't reach the brakes from his position and he screamed as she screamed. He was screaming cause his dream was coming true, while she was screaming from the impact of the truck.

<b>Cut that last sentence. We do not need it. Your readers are not daft.</b>

He opened the door and threw Larry out. Aaron slammed on the brakes and jumped out of the truck. He ran to his friend who was now a mangled body on the road and started to cry. He held her hand, now wishing she would grab his arm back.

<b>Good final sentence. Maybe more description though. Nice work. Believable characters. But I don't think I understand the point of your story.</b>

crap. loogadat. Myspace html doesn't transfer to yws html. oh well. cheers and good luck! if you do a second draft let me know.

She had tripped over a rock [s]or something[/s] and fell onto the concrete.

"or something" is just too vague. She tripped over a rock--end. ^_~

Aaron was starting to freak out. A tear fell down his cheek and he sat next to the still un-moving Shelby, stroking her face with his hand.

The first sentence is all telling--what does "freaking out" mean? He started screaming and cry? He threw up? He thought he saw leprechauns? You see my point. ^^ As for the second sentence, I just don't like it. A tear falls down his cheek... ho hum. It's just kind of bland, and almost melodramatic because, well, should he be crying so quickly? It just didn't work for me. And "un-moving" isn't a word.

He woke up covered in sweat and breathing hard.

*gasp* Cliché!

Eep--that's shocking. I think this is really powerful, but it's kind of...I want to use the word childish, but it isn't. Simple? That works. I think you could add more feeling and emotion to it, you know? Just give it more impact. You do a lot of telling, and we also don't know your characters a lot yet. I don't think you need to tell your reader, "it was just like the dream, OHNOES!" because we can already tell it's just like that dream--and that is the point.

Some scenes, like the one between your MC and his mom, are just so bare. They're only there to kind of forward the story but they're very empty. Try to fill your story, make them real, you know? And you're smart, go read something by your favorite author and look at it for a bit. Is it full, or empty? What do they have they you don't? Fill out your empty spaces. Some things you're really lacking are setting, descriptions (they're really just floating heads...) and character development. Characters are hard to develop in short pieces, but you can still do it enough so that it works. I think if you beefed this up, and got rid of the redundancies and the telling, this could be very chilling.


Keep up the good work, Lindsey! If you have any Qs, you know where to find me.